I like to think that whenever Tim and Jason patrol together people call them Robin Hood.

Like-

*Tim and Jay waiting for police to arrest some goons*: ...

Police officer: Thanks for this Robin Hood.

And, even better, Tim and Jason don't care.

Jason: no sweat.

Tim: see ya around officer.

I MET MICHAEL SHEEN. 16/03/24, National Theatre

So, if you've read my post about booking tickets to see Michael, you know all about my what-ifs. But the day was finally here.

I arrived at the National Theatre, followed all the Nye signs and here's the Olivier Theatre. I made my sister buy me the show's programme, hoping I would be able to get it signed.

I find my seat, I'm not in the centre but the stage still feels very close and you can see everything (amphitheatres are always the best).

Lights out. The audience is in religious silence. Can't believe I'm actually here, this is happening.

[skip this part in smaller font, if you want to avoid spoilers] In the words of Staged, he really loses himself in his roles. First of all, it's great to hear him speak in a Welsh accent.

But then we also see him turning back into a child, and you can totally believe he's young and innocent again. His stutter feels so real, his struggle and sadness too. The entire ensamble is great during the classroom scene, where they all help Nye against their bullying teacher (using those big canes to make him look scary really works). Hearing young Nye confessing that at times he thinks he 'shouldn't exist' because of who he is was a gut punch; Michael's delivery of that whole part is incredible, in that moment he really becomes a little boy that allows himself to feel vulnerable and says something dark to a friend. The way he jumps while saying "I can visualise and enunciate!" made me wanna jump too, he was ready to give up and then he found the solution through books, it's the joy and relief you feel when you realise that there is another way and your life is not over.

Now, I've watched musicals all my life and let me tell you that man is meant to be in one. He opened his mouth and all I could see was someone that had been waiting a long time for the occasion to show his talent, truly showstopping. He was so free and happy and confident, singing and dancing spectacularly. I couldn't stop smiling and giggling, we all clapped.

It's clear he means every word he says, and when he points and shouts his political arguments at the audience, those who feel called out must be shaking; I thought 'This is how people in Ancient Greece must have felt everytime they went to the theatre'. His Nye is inspiring, passionate, someone you'd want to follow, he stands up for what he believes in and lets nothing get in his way.

We get to watch him flirt, on all fours, waggling his 'tail'; everytime we think we've seen all he's capable of, he does something like this and surprises us.

But most of all, we see him being scared, first of having to do something, and then of not being able to do enough for all of us. At one point everyone has requests for Nye and I was expecting him to shout "Heal yourselves!" like Jesus in JCS, it totally conveyed what it must have been like to be in his role at the time, overwhelmed with daunting responsibilities.

In general, I appreciated the fact that it wasn't a linear biography, they chose life moments that have universal situations everyone can relate too, like they do in bio-musicals. I loved the staging. The colour palette is so recognisable; the curtains and the beds are used in many different ways so everything is explored at its full potential.

He is on stage basically all the time for more than two hours (sometimes twice a day, can you imagine?). Also barefoot and in his pajamas from start to finish, he looks like a teddy bear you just want to hug and protect.

He bows, looks at Nye's achievements, then leaves the stage.

Standing ovation, applause. I go back to the theatre lobby, I was supposed to wait for my sister, but she's late. Meanwhile, a fan asks me how to get to the Stage Door. I start too fear that I'm going to miss my chance if I keep waiting inside, so I decide to go on my own. After no more than 5 minutes, he's outside with us. Forget Nye, I am living my fever dream. He has just finished his second show of the day and yet he's smiling and listening to each and every one, signing and taking pictures. I know many have said this, but he really is an angel.

My sister arrives, and as soon as I'm sure she has the camera ready, I make my way to him. The two girls next to me who were speaking to him needed a pen and I lent them my sharpie, so I got my chance to look generous in front of him.

And suddently it was my turn. This is as much as my scrambled mind allows me to remember: I tell him I'm Francesca and I'm from Italy, he asks me how long I am going to stay, I confess that I had arrived that morning and just to see him, that I would be leaving already the following morning. I can't even focus while he's signing my programme, I just want to find the right words. I manage to say how I enjoyed seeing his passion, all these different sides of him and how watching him sing and dance has been the highlight of my evening. We take a picture together, I feel his hand on my shoulder and I realise my arm is around the waist of this person I love. I had to thank him again, telling him that he only deserves good things and that we are so lucky to have him. He wishes me a safe trip home, and I melt. I leave and I can't stop trembling. On my way back to the hotel I hold on tight to my signed programme and the sharpie that was in his hands just moments earlier. Only later I will realise that he's also written 'Ciao!', 'love' and 'X', without me asking for it or anything! Seeing him act live was a big gift already, but what followed outside was beyond my dreams. I can't look at the photos without blushing, the way he looks at me in the video and then also strokes my arm for a moment, I mean pinch me now.

The more I think about it, the more I can't believe it happened.

I want to thank everyone that under my first post pushed me and encouraged me to see the pros of doing this, I share this beautiful moment of my life with all of you. <3

the best game of 2024 was an hour-long visual novel demo, and i can't tell you how it ends

attack and dethrone god.

okay. oh my god. soul of sovereignty by ggdg (of lady of the shard & deltarune fame) is discounted for only a few more days, so i need to get this one out while the iron's hot.

so: i'm inviting you along on another journey. we're following a polite gentleman of the wizardly inclination (loïc) who is approached by a sickly woman in dire need (ysmé). all she requests, in her plea, is an escort to guide her to the nearby temple. his decision to support her may turn out to be the most important choice he ever makes.

... have you ever enjoyed the kind of narrative that traps two people with heavily contrasting motives and personalities together in an unbreakable contract? do you like stories of absolute devotion?

i could look at this shot forever ngl

... are you compelled by immersive speculative fantasy worlds where the use and study of magic heavily influences the rhythm of people's day-to-day lives?

(really intriguing magical linguistics system going on here)

... do you ever promise too much of yourself to others, sometimes, even when it's a bad idea?

... if it was possible -- if you could -- would you abandon your humanity for the power to change your world forever?

and, whatever you may feel in your heart about the above...

do you want to see behind the eyes of a hot trans girl as she bullshits her way into a truly volatile level of power and influence and gets everything she wants?

(+ her pet dilf lovely assistant)

if even one of these elicited a "yes," i think you'll love this story.

i'll go out of a limb:

i think, if you open up your heart, you'll find yourself falling for both of the leads. It's a game that really wants you to look at it from every angle, take it apart, and ask questions about loïc, ysmé, their stories, and what they believe to be true about the world and one another. subtext -- especially the charged subtext this story throws at you and hopes you'll piece together -- is a beautiful thing.

the number of talksprites in this demo is kind of staggering

the jrpg-inspired world of the mosaic and its surroundings is as vibrant as it is profoundly lonely, color folded into every facet of its character as you move through it. appropriately, it's really invested in a lot of questions that arise not just from high fantasy as a genre, but from the modern fantasy sensibilities of jrpgs and the interrogation of what divinity even means in a world where the gods are forces you can interact with and draw power from, however indirectly.

what can i even say? that gg and toby fox's collab score for the prelude is downright heavenly and made it onto my work playlist right alongside the deltarune ost the day it came out on bandcamp? that gg's art, especially their use of light, conveys every scene with vivid beauty?

i wouldn't be posting so much of it if i didn't want to eat every CG. oh my god. he's so pretty. it's not even fair

beyond all of that, i think the game's main resonance point with people is that gg's writing is genuinely thoughtful. they use art detail and deft character writing to convey everything about the leads, using the limited time you get with it to paint layers and layers of information on who these people are and why they make the decisions they do. soulsov's roughly an-hour-and-change of text, expressive talksprites, and lush CGs is infused with so much heart and so much horror and so much intrigue that it leaves you feeling like you're a part of this world, carried along for the ride right alongside the two leads. gg clearly really adores these two, and that level of passion makes everything loïc and ysmé do shine even brighter. in spite of (or perhaps because of) all their friction and flaws, they're easy to love.

(it's really fun to read aloud as a script, too! ysmé's a hoot.)

i hope you experience it with high expectations and an open heart. i don't think it will disappoint. it is, perhaps, just a little bit magical.

i hope you see it through to the end!

Happy New Year, everyone! I thought it would be fun to do a little retrospective on the game's progress over the last year... Shepherds of Haven has grown so much from the little demo I posted in January 2018, and it continues to steadily build and flourish in so many different and exciting ways! Here's a look at just some of the things we accomplished in 2023!

I added 143,151 words to the game (2.5 main chapters, 8 new character interludes) in 2023: the equivalent of writing the longest Lord of the Rings book in one year! We also broke our huge 1 million word milestone—without including code—meaning Shepherds of Haven is now officially twice as long as War and Peace, and almost as long as the entire 7-book Harry Potter series... and all in a single game!

A lot goes into game creation behind the scenes, including the coordination and creation of visual assets for the game—like character cards, codex entries, maps, portraits, and backgrounds—fun stuff for the fans (like the MC info template we created), and songs for the official soundtrack. As the game creeps slowly and determinedly towards its initial completion, that also means learning new things as a solo developer to prepare for the future, like learning to build an official website, researching business and tax practices, and beginning to think about how to conduct testing, publishing, and marketing down the road. Much of what I enumerate here hasn't been made public yet and will continue to cook in the background for a while, but I'm very proud of the work I've gotten done this year and will be excited to unveil more in the future!

And of course, for even more Shepherds of Haven content, I've added and completed even more stories for our little library on Patreon (which also has sizable word count at this point): The Bridge of Bones (a Trouble and Riel murder mystery), O Happy Dagger (a dark adventure featuring Briony, Chase, and Red), and The Hunt (a wild tale involving Tallys, Halek, Shery, and new kinds of spirits, fey magic, and Elves) were all serial stories completed in 2023, while Some Kind of Virus is a cyberpunk zombie apocalypse AU that will continue to be updated with new chapters monthly.

A full list of the Shepherd short stories and serial novellas (with links) can be viewed here!

I hope you enjoyed this session of Shepherds of Haven Wrapped! Honestly, this doesn't actually cover everything I've been working on, but some things can't be packaged and listed out neatly, or otherwise won't seem very interesting to anyone else but me! 😂 As we inch through Chapter 9 and get more interludes done (only a few more main chapters to go), I'm hopeful that I'll also be able to find time to work on my next novel, but we'll see if the Shepherds schedule ends up ramping up or settling down as we work steadily towards finishing the main story!

One important thing before wrapping up is to acknowledge your guys' role in this wonderful, wild journey. I want to express my heartfelt gratitude to each and every one of you for your invaluable contributions to the development of Shepherds of Haven. Whether you took the time to share links to the game, supported its growth on Discord or Patreon, left encouraging messages or asked interesting questions, reported bugs, or showcased your remarkable works of fanfiction or fanart, I am sincerely thankful for the unwavering support from this amazing community! Your collective efforts have played a pivotal role in shaping the world of the game into what it is today. Words cannot adequately convey my gratitude for your support, and I am truly blessed to have such a passionate community surrounding this project.

As we step into 2024, I am filled with anticipation for the developments awaiting Shepherds of Haven. Big things are on the horizon, and I am so excited to share these experiences with you! Thank you for being an integral part of this journey, and here's to the continued growth of our shared little world. Cheers to 2024—may it be a year filled with creativity, adventure, and joy! 🎊

Simblr Gratitude Day

Ok, ok- I was stuck at work until late today and didn't see this outpouring of awesomeness early enough.

Thank you, @simstrashkingdom, @lynzishell, @thebramblewood, @stargazer-sims and @maxfaiden, for remembering me and tagging me! It was honestly such a sweet surprise to find! It's really special- I hope you know that! And, of course: right back at you! ❤️

It may be a small thing, but I am truly grateful for all the kind support I've found here. "I love my moots" is a tag I use often and honestly. I joined Simblr at the end of March not really knowing what to expect. I appreciate all the friends I've met and the interactions I've had with so many talented people!

I tend to ramble, so I'll try to get to the point: every comment, DM, reblog, and "like" makes my day and makes me so happy. I want to especially show love and appreciation to the following people, who make my Simblr such a good place to hang out in:

@alinelie- My simblr birthday buddy! I love her ocs, her aesthetic, her ability to convey so much through her images! @damseljamsel, who is genuine- I mentioned feeling out of sorts once and she was right there, with kind words, offering an ear, and cheering me up. She also puts up with my completely out-of-control comments about her awesome stories. You're a good person, Damsel! STAY GOLD, PONYBOY! @agena87- an early moot who is super creative and has been learning and growing and sharing so many amazing images! They're also super cool and supportive! And there's @crabbeychick, who is sweet and generous with her comments and goes along with my wackiness (and drives our getaway car and feeds me snacks to keep me happy quiet). I hope that in 2024, you'll feel ready to share more about your OCs- I really enjoyed the little bit you let us glimpse! @akitasimblr is such a treasure- generous, so talented and fun- and Alexander Burns better find a way into Nat's family! 😆 @simarcana hasn't been around as much, but I hope they know how much their encouragement meant to me when I started posting here! They're funny and cool and their edits and ocs are everyone's favorites, with good reason!

I also want to send a virtual hug (or nod- whichever is more comfortable!) to these simblrs- some older friends, some newer- who always, always make me happy when I see them here: @silentsundown, @lynxsimago, @merrymomo, @eljeebee, @izayoichan, @smok3inm1rrors, @aheathen-conceivably, @theosconfessions, @aurorangen, @nata1997, @lilamausmaus @moonfromearth

And because this is about gratitude, I want to let the following super talented, big-league player simblrs know that they are so inspiring and bring so much heart and beauty to this game and community! @rebouks, @cinamun, @pralinesims, @lilis-palace, @strangestorytellersims, @arcanewonder, @panterabsims

...And I will never miss an opportunity to brag and gush about @greighish/@maxfaiden. I don't want to overdo it and bug you again, but I mean it from the heart when I say that you and your friendship are the best, most unexpected gifts I received when I joined Tumblr. I'm looking forward to sharing more books and music and marvelous and whimsical ephemera with you in the year to come! Thank you for always making me feel seen and welcome. *Bows* (*Immediately loses balance and topples to the side*)

Mini Costume Meta

Poker game Eddie!!

I did bucks outfit yesterday and today its the turn of Eddie!!

Again I apologise for the rubbish screenshots, I'll have better ones in my actual costume meta after the episode has aired!!

It's really hard to tell in these screenshots, but Eddie is dressed in a blue tartan suit. When the still dropped and we all went into meltdown, I thought the jacket was blue and a dark green teal, now I've seen it a bit better, I'm pretty sure its actually royal and navy blue - a navy that is almost black!

Ok firstly we have the check theme to contend with and the fact that in 911 verse, check means potential danger and change and that rings true here, I just don't think the check is for physical danger.

We need to look at all the times Eddie has worn a suit to fully appreciate what is going on with the check, so bear with me!

This new suit is the 4th one we've seen Eddie wear. First up is the navy suit (and grey marl tie) we see him wear to his interview and look around Durrand School.

Then we have the black on black suit we see him in when he's suit shopping for Christopher with Ana.

Followed by the blue check suit with black spotty shirt we see him in at Hen and Karens vow renewal.

I hope you can all start to see what is going on here - each suit is connected not only to where Eddie is at mentally, but it is also connected to a person (Shannon, Ana, Eddie himself and then this new one Buck) and a key moment in Eddies story.

I'm not going to really really drill down into all the suits because I don't have the time, but that first navy suit with its white shirt and mismatched tie is very much conveying an Eddie who is both uncomfortable and unsure of who he is - the mismatched nature of the overall outfit is meant to look a bitt off and jarring. The navy of the suit itself is about trust, loyalty and stability - all things very relevant to Eddie in that moment - he is trusting Carla (and by extension Buck), he is trying to provide stability for Chris, and he is still loyal to Shannon.

Its very telling that the only truly odd one out is the black suit - the one connected to Ana! Its also the only suit we know for definite that Eddie didn't pick for himself. The black suit is meant to indicate the concept of the black dog of depression - a black cloud hanging over both Eddie and the relationship with Ana.

The suit Eddie wears to the HenRen vow renewal with its small check pattern and the black shirt with the blue dots is showing us Eddies progress - he's still going through it, the check tells us that - but the fact that we've gone from Eddie having panic attacks in a black suit and we've now got an Eddie in a much brighter blue (still with some black in the shirt as a nod to the previous suit - think of it like the blue overtaking and erasing the black) indicating that he is much calmer and at peace with himself. If you want to read more about this suit, then head over to my pinned post and read the costume meta for 5x18!

Back to the check theme and the new suit jacket - yes this is a darker suit than the previous one, but its still two shades of blue - a combination of the navy of the first suit and a brighter blue which connects to the vow renewal suit. connecting the two suits to this suit is important from a narrative perspective,

for me the use of this tartan check is just the next stage of the very tiny check - its not going to be all smooth sailing for Eddie yet and I think the Pepa meddling is the thing that the check is foreshadowing

White pocket squares - nobility and wealth as well as love and luck - much of these meanings stem from the age of chivalry - ladies pocket squares being given to knights of the joust as a token of luck etc

In modern US parlance, pocket squares are a symbol of anti traditionalist values - by this I mean, you won't find those of a right wing persuasion (Donal Trump and his lot) wearing a pocket square. Pocket squares are and were considered a symbol of sophistication - especially in golden age Hollywood - Cary Grant, Fred Astaire, Clark Gable etc all wore pocket squares in various ways.

The reason I'm giving you all this information is to point out that the fact we have Eddie wearing one here is both interesting and telling. As far as I'm aware this is the first time we've seen one worn on 911 (I don't have any notes of any of the mains wearing one in my costume plots!) so this is tapping into all of the meanings above, Eddie is wearing it as a symbol of wealth (appropriate for a poker game!) but mostly as a nod to old school Hollywood.

The costume department are trying to evoke that era through Eddies costume, the set is also evoking that era and so the two things are working in tandem (Bucks red velvet suit jacket also does the same thing - it mimics a smoking jacket which was a common thing for men to have in their wardrobe and wear to play poker or pool). They're essentially trying to make Eddie look like those leading men because in their films they always got the girl (in Eddies case its indicating he's gonna get the boy!).

Onto the Black turtleneck! Black turtlenecks have such an interesting history, they have very strong links with antiestablishment and activism - often worn as a statement or a symbol of protest. The turtleneck is meant to be non-conformist and set the wearer apart from societal norms. The black panthers wore them as part of their 'protest uniform' in the 50's and 60's making them part of the activist style and cementing them as a garment of protest and dissent.

Steve Jobs very deliberately chose the black turtle neck as part of his uniform - to appear down to earth and casual, but also to set him apart from the shirt and tie wearing Bill Gates - it made Apple seem not only aspirational, but also more user friendly to the everyman over the nerdy suits of the establishment!

We've seen it used for the same purpose in film - think Cary Grant in to catch a thief - wearing both a navy and white striped turtleneck as well as a black one when he's being 'the cat'

Or even Audrey Hepburn in Funny Face - when she's in the jazz club dancing - a scene supposed to show her as different from the traditional models found gracing the pages of 'Quality' the fictional magazine Fred Astaire's Character photographs for.

In the 1920's and 30's, Noel Coward made them popular and as a result they became a symbol of queerness - this is also the origin of the black turtleneck as a piece of clothing representing something non-conformist that all the other iterations stem from.

So Eddie wearing a black turtleneck at this moment in time is such a choice. It is meant to show us an Eddie who is comfortable in his own skin and that that Eddie is non-conformist. This works on a couple of fronts - it is a nod to the fact he has defied his families expectations and choices for him - that he has decided to be better for himself, that he's going to therapy and working on himself. But its also a nod to an Eddie now comfortable enough to break from heteronormativity and embrace his queerness - something which is still considered to be non-conforming!

I've already screamed about Eddies watch (you can see a decent glimpse of it in the still above), so I won't go into it too much here, but I will mention again how important I think it is that this is (likely, as we've not yet seen the episode) the first time we're seeing this new watch. I mentioned previously that the first time we saw the blue faced leather strapped watch was at his coffee date with Ana - a watch very much connected with Christopher and of course that relationship was very much about Eddie following Christophers heart not his own (even though we know Christophers heart will probably be happier with Buck than it ever was with Ana!!!). So this new watch is very much now connected to Buck (and the fact that Buck appears to also be wearing a new and metal watch has me all kinds of feral because if he is it is telling us that Buck and Eddie are both on the same page and that their timing is now in sync - so Buddie cannon here we come!!

There are no words, nothing I could write that hasn't been said to properly convey how emotions and response that I had to the news about what Shubble had to go through.

As someone not on Twitter, and not an avid watcher of Shelby, I didn't hear about her video until several days after it was posted by a friend of mine, who told me that people suspected Wilbur.

And at that time, I did not want to believe it.

My immediate reaction was disbelief, and then I thought people on Twitter were saying things just to say things. I knew Shelby had not named her abuser, because she was not in a position where she could. The internet is rarely benevolent when victims come forward.

But this was someone I had watched during my cancer treatments. This was someone whose music I listened to, to drown out the sounds of my illness. This is someone I cried with and for after the loss of Technoblade. Now, after his passing, I had stopped watching that entire side of mcyt. I moved on to Hermitcraft, Empires, and the Life series, I stopped using Twitter because it's Twitter, and when the various members of the DSMP were caught doing something, It just further solidified my decision.

But this was someone I had supported. The idea that I had allowed myself to be manipulated into that situation was almost unbearable.

But the more I thought about it, the more I remembered things from back during the DSMP ear, the more uncomfortable I got. The more I remembered people he was "close" with describing him as manipulative, the amount of younger people he constantly interacted with, and the dynamics he created around them.

Even without his "apology" I realized that, yes, he was manipulative. And the horrible thing about it is that you never really notice when that manipulation occurs. It's why at least at first, I gave the benefit of the doubt.

Because "surely not".

But this is not about those things. It's not about how I feel in regard to the news, nor is it about how his old friend will respond. It's about the abuse that he did and the power kick he got from keeping his victims silent.

Wilbur Soot is an abuser.

Shelby, and lord knows who else are his victims. The horrible realization that while I was supporting someone they were intentionally hurting people weaker than them like Techno and Shelby feels like a sucker punch.

And the worst part is that, at the end of the day I cannot even say that he is sorry, because he is not. he does not take accountability. He does not apologize. He states that "he changed", which is easy to say without having to prove. Especially, when you cannot even apologize.

Wilbur is not "canceled". He's an abuser.

Shelby is incredibly strong for coming forward, and I hope that she can heal with the support and love that she deserves.

I'm also sorry, Shelby. I waited in the hope of "surely not", and that's not fair or right to Shelby or any victim of abuse. I've seen some posts about how those who supported him had no way of knowing, but this can be ... hard to accept personally. I don't mean to say it's the communities fault, because we really did not have a way to know.

It's important to know, that no matter how well you think you "know" a creator- you don't.

I don't want anyone to come away from this and think that I am in any way still in support of anything that man has created or done over the years. This includes channels, collabs, music, and certain bands with connections to him.

This is firmly a Shelby support account.

For those who still side with him; I am truly sorry that you are unable to see through his manipulation, but I hope that one day you will. I hope that you can gain the ability to see through these horrible actions of cruelty before you find yourself in a situation where you are the victim.

I'm so sorry Shelby.

Well howdy my friends! Happy Sunday to you all <3 I hope everyone had a lovely weekend, and a big thank you as always to the amazingly talented writers who have tagged me this week, @junebugclaremontdiaz , @heybuddy-drabbles , @getmehighonmagic , @nocoastposts , @benwvatt , @tailsbeth-writes , and @hgejfmw-hgejhsf ! Guh, I love seeing everyone's snippets so much, and a few of you have fics posted that I have GOT to go get caught up on!! For now, I'm giving you guys a lil more of The Story of Us. This chapter got a little intense emotionally, but I'm very excited for the direction it's going! Without further ado, here's a small snippet.

The silence between them speaks volumes, is louder than words ever could be, and Alex refuses to break eye contact, hoping to convey how truly and honestly he means everything he just said. Henry surges forward then, pressing a deep, searing kiss to his lips. Alex threads his fingers through Henry’s silky hair, draws him in deeply and wills Henry to understand that he is loved, he is safe, and god, there’s not a lot Alex wouldn’t do for him. It’s too soon, though. Too soon to show all of his cards and give away his hand. Too soon to bring love into the mix when they’re having such a damn good time just exploring what they are.

I'm so sorry if y'all are sick of this au, but right now it's kinda my main focus as I really wanna stick with it and get it done! I'm going to go ahead and tag @zwiazdziarka , @duchessdepolignaca03 , @sparklepocalypse , @forever-fixating , @piratefalls and an open tago for anyone else who wants to join! Obviously as always no pressure at all! Thanks for reading friends!!

You have m o r e ?!?!? Omg they're amazing, I love them already and it's only been like 90 seconds (I've just been staring at them because. Wow.)

Wait but are you actually getting rid of them/ discontinuing their story? I mean, I saw that post about Sisyphus, but I would love it if we got to see more of these guys. I mean, no pressure if you weren't but I just wanted to let you know that I'm a really big fan of your work. I appreciate that, for your nonhuman characters, while their designs are very visually appealing in the artistic sense, you can tell that they're not at all supposed to be attractive in any modern human idealized sort of way (and what does it mean to Objectively Attractive anyway? Popular opinion is so hypocritcally subjective) but instead that each individual drawing, whether it's a character of your own creation or your take on a preexisting one, is crafted to serve their exact purpose on the page (whether it's Humor of Incongruity, expressing frustration, evoking the beauty in the imperfect, etc.), because you can see both the soul of that being and the way the Otherness of their design sets them apart as new and interesting yet accentuates the uniquely human part of their character (however buried and twisted that part may be, in some cases. Looking at you, Valek.)

. . . I was going somewhere further with this but I lost where I was. I'm sorry, it's late and I'm tired, but I just saw this and felt I had to say something (other than "cool monsters go brrr"). I know we're just strangers on the internet, and I'm not any sort of people person. We don't know anything substantial about each other, and we'll probably never meet. But I hope you know that, for whatever it's worth, there are people out there who see what you're doing. And that it's beautiful in all of it's imperfection, and beautiful *because* of it. And that, miniscule though my knowledge of you may be (because who can truly know anyone?), I can *see* the beauty of your soul shining through the crack of your art. And that I get a little bit of joy and inspiration every time I come across your work, so I hope this clumsily, hasty little message can give at least some of that joy back to you.

(P.S. I wrote this as a AtNC reblog, but by the time I finished writing this I figured it'd probably be better to send as an ask, so that you can decide what to do with it. You are in no way obligated to make any sort of response to this. From what I understand, you don't believe in a benevolent higher power, and that's okay, I'm still on the fence about whether I do or not, but I just... felt oddly compelled to write this. Like something was telling me I had to try to convey this to you, because you needed it. It's fine if you don't understand what I'm saying, I'm not sure even I do, but just hope that wherever you are, whatever you are doing, whatever you are going through, you know there's someone out there who cares for you, and that your existence is w o r t h something immeasurable.)

I hope you're okay. You are stronger than you know.

First of all, thank you. It took me a while to reply because I've been very busy with schoolwork, but I've reread this message at least several times a day and it has brought me such joy each time.

To answer your question, no, I'm not discontinuing or getting rid of anything - I assume this has to do with my monster OCs, and there are two major stories of them so far.

One is Walter, which I simply decided not to use for schoolwork after being told its plot is too boring. That's all. I will do what I want with it in my own time. The other is that one with the mutated office workers, which fortunately got the OK from the professor. Both are still very rough works in progress.

I'm very glad that you like the way I draw... er, things, for lack of a better wording. Things I draw for myself may turn out far from "conventionally attractive", but I like it that way. You made me think about an aspect of my art that I never really considered before, but you have a point; in a way, I could be trying to humanize characters not by giving them a more human face but by giving them their own ways to express humanity.

That being said, I don't know what an "AtNC" reblog is supposed to be, but I wouldn't have minded either way. Your kind words are appreciated all the same.

hey dude! What's up :)) been just a little since l've said something

Initially, this is me saying thank you and goodbye

This isn't supposed to be a weird pity story, so l'm so unbelievably sorry if it comes off that way, lol.

When I began reading your work, I was enamoured with fiction because of personal issues (as many usually are, honestly, I know I'm one of god knows how many people trying to run away from life for just a second with fanfics or media in general). I don't know if I will ever be able to communicate this properly, hell, this will even be unbelievable funny or dramatic but I need to get this across because it's coming from a genuine place. Your stories and work thus far has brought me comfort, immense heaps of it, and even still when I deal with things that feel out of reach or too much to actually face head on I find myself wandering back to syg or just your blog in general

I mean this, from my entire heart, thank you and thank Bee. A million times thank you, for making that one silly silly stupid piece of fanfiction, because oh my god it got me through some major stressful hardships within my life for the past 3 years.

I am leaving tumblr, however I’m aware I have submitted asks with my actual accounts before, so you'll likely be able to see they're still gonna be up. I'm just deleting tumblr the app instead of my account, but for other social platforms they will be deleted properly (such as quotev) so I won’t be indulging in much reading anymore when it comes to fanfics and such lol

I don't know if I'll come back, if I do I likely will not be back for long or to be as active as l've been because of the toll social media’s taken. So even as ridiculous as this feels, to tell someone I’m simply a fan of and barely truly know, that their fanfic of murderers and their love story with my self insert kept me pushing through a lot of tough days, I genuinely just had to.

I needed to thank both you and your partner for the work you've both put out. I still have that smiley pin I’d made, and I will cherish what you made quotev have been for me ( I literally found out about the website during early or late 2020 I can barely remember, then later found your fic, I was DEEP DIVING into that shit LMAO )

I hope whatever happens for you and bee in the future is only good, and I only will wish nothing but the best of luck with everything man.

feel free to post this (idk what it’s called but when you publicly reply lol) or not, as long as you read this it’ll mean lots to me !! >:))

your coolest weirdest ticci toby fan whose also named toby, 🐚 annon

I always struggle to convey gratefulness for messages like this and readership- especially repeated readership. My life would be different if it were not for comments and messages egging us on to keep writing from syg to ho1c. While it's easy to say that writing is solely out of passion for the craft there is also the drive to share something with others. Hearing those others loud or quiet as a favorite- does push us forward when we have no motivation or desire to work. That drive has made us closer as a couple, better thinkers, and a halfway decent writing team. I thank you and all the others who send us stuff even if it's shit post asks I never answer because I like having them in my inbox like a personal horde of platonic Valentine's. I like keeping the pieces you give me to myself sometimes. I know it may seem like I'm ignoring you but I find genuine comfort in these messages. That there are so many. That they are so varied. That we have reached beyond our shut-in existence to touch the lives of others.

I find myself wondering where an anon has gone when I do not hear from them in awhile. I wish them well. I wish them better standards than us.

Maybe we'll meet again someday space cowboy. If you're ever back in town feel free to shoot me (a message).

Thank you for reaching out. Thank you for reading. I wish you peace and love and good books.

hi!! tiss i, bringer of the art thingy for '''me and the devil'' (fucking amazing song btw, could be applied to both of the men she has been promised to)

anyhow

she :] so thing is i truly do think that how you've described her clothing, the meaning it holds (the meaning she wasn't tought) is truly sick!! it's sutch a visual to me. though i would of hopped she'd worn it longer, continued to be a green ghost through hallways, houting paul in meetings and dreams. i do get when and why she took it off so easily, how it didn't mean as mutch as it could of if not for her mother, the breeding program.

also please do forgive how fucking compressed it is, mspaint isn't a big fan of deetails.

um. i think i could of done better with her clothing, how it flows and folds around her body, like the branches of a willow tree, growing oppon her like moss. but :/, hm, got too into it without meaning to and now we're here. i though of the light backdrop as when she's first on caladan, seeing pauls green eyes and grinding her teeth, trying not to steam. doubt it reads so, tho. (should of given her longer nails caked with blood, but mmmm, hands are fucking frustrating)

and! i had fun with this :], so i was thinking about a past and a more current present form of her? (the pale horror marking her face as she watches how her parents bodies flinch for the last time, black flames and all that. no veil and sword at her hip, warm greens enveloping her as she watches forward ((side eyes paul?))) dunno dude

hope you're well, sorry for the far too many words

HI!! first off im floored and beyond touched that someone was inspired to make something so beautiful based off of what i wrote???? omg? but i have to say this is absolutely stunning! EXACTLY how I imagine reader's clothing/style/everything. you've done incredible work. so talented.

i completely agree!! the clothing and its meaning is an important theme (hopefully that conveys throughout the next couple chapters as well) for the story and I hope you like where it's headed... no spoilers ofc but the symbolic clothing has not disappeared! You have captured the flowing style of the dress and veil so well and I can't even tell you how perfectly you captured my vision for the veil and headpiece and my god the DETAIL you put into it... i am so so touched. its truly beautiful, I keep coming back to look at it as i write the next few chapters!

I love the touch you put with the backdrop - the first few moments when they see each other for the first time and she's just a green ghost, mysterious and simmering under her veil when she sees his eyes. truly fucking incredible art.

also, the blade - it is so perfect. It's literally exactly what I imagined - in the style of Harkonnen blades, similar to Feyd-Rautha's to honor her nameday and their future marriage. and the way you placed it above her head; protecting her, or haunting her. maybe both.

I wanted to explore the concept of preserving culture with this story but focus on how customs and traditions can get lost in the sands of time and within the fall from power. & how the unusual dynamic (Paul knowing about her culture, and her not) shapes their relationship. I think you've done an incredible job bringing her to life - your attention to detail is incredible.

I am so completely obsessed with this, it's gorgeous. If you do feel inspired or would like to create more (the past and present ideas are amazing!! yes!!!), I would love nothing more than to see them and talk about it!! If you don't mind, can I link this post on my next chapter so readers can see it???

I love this so much, and if you choose to make more, i cant wait to see it all :) i could talk about this art forever. thank you!!! you're so talented!!!

Going off of this!!

I’d like to share my own take on Craig Tucker in regards to how I view him, + his asd. He’s my little meowmeow and I chose how to write him. >:) Oh my god this is a mess of thoughts. Some headcanons, some just straight up analysis. While I do enjoy a lot of fanon portrayals of Craig (and Tweek) as they are all valid and fun in their own ways and I love seeing everyone’s takes on them, I definitely do have my own favorites. There is no one way to interpret a character after all! That being said, Craig Tucker is a LOSER (affectionate). He’s a cringefail loser nerd and I hope he knows it. This man is a nerdy hyperfixated disaster who on the surface level only has three moods: bitchy, neutral, and adoration. He’s a sarcastic little bitch who always complains about the fucking bizarreness of everything that's going on around him. He does not want any part of it. He will flip it off. He will flip his family off. He will flip you off. He will flip off god. However, in some instances, family, friends and those special people (or guinea pigs) he doesn’t know how to express his emotions, and so he will fall back on the gesture as a means of affection. (i.e. when you insult your best friends as a sign of knowing each other for a long time sorta thing.) Most of the time, I think he’s just. Neutral. He’s going through life as boringly as he can and he likes it that way. He even brings this up: “Boring, just the way I like it.” And I hate to reach here, but as someone with autism myself, and I know others with this condition, a lot of the time we HATE change. Routines, schedules, boringness, its just the way to be, it’s not scary or weird, it’s just normality in a world of bizarreness. I don’t want to go on a spontaneous adventure, I need time and preparation to do things outside of normalcy, even if it is fun and a good change, I will need time to adjust. I could see Craig 100% being the same way.  Even in ‘Tweek x Craig’ he’s especially upset about the towns attention on him, as being in a ‘relationship’ with Tweek is a big change and is the first out of him and Tweek to go out of the way to try and solve the issue via the fake breakup. Another point here is his ‘problem-solving’ attitude. In ‘Put It Down’ he tries to ‘solve’ Tweek’s anxiety by distracting him, when what he needed to do was just talk to Tweek about his feelings. I’ve actually seen other autistic people say that this episode taught them how to better empathise with others, and truly it’s a guiding point for me as well! It’s a genuine good reminder to me that when my friends are upset maybe the best thing to do is just listen and affirm feelings. Thanks Craig :) Once again, he always has a neutral expression, he doesn't smile often and we don’t even see him smile much in tfbw when your character takes a selfie with him. I like to hc that he just has a resting bitch face lmao. But a lot of autistic people genuinely struggle to convey or even feel emotions in the same neurotypical way. This can often be called masking, and because I don’t want to ramble for forever, I definitely recommend looking up autistic masking for yourself. His voice is even neutral and monotone, which can be an autism thing! Some asd individuals have trouble putting emotion into their voices and can seem un-caring, when thats not true, and it’s just more natural to be monotone. I definitely don’t think Craig is without emotions, he’s just not going at expressing his feelings (which I’d love to talk about in contrast for his relationship with Tweek but that’s for another day as this post is long enough). For example, he does seem worried about Tweek’s anxiety in ‘Put It Down’ and even asks how Tweek is when they’re broken up in tfbw. He’s worried about how others see him being gay in ‘Tweek x Craig’ and he’s infamously known for his love for his guinea pig, who he’s upset at the notion of someone insulting the love for his pet in ‘Tweek vs Craig’. Anyway, why do I think he’s a loser? Well as @craigrights put it in our dm’s, Craig:

- gets NO bitches except one meth addict

- needs braces

Which. Yeah. Thank you Syd, you’ve summed it up. (Yeah absolute hc that he has fucked up teeth and needs to wear braces lmao.) But other then that, I love the popular fanbase headcanon that Craig is just a major nerd for space stuff. He has space memorabilia around his bedroom from what we can see in tfbw. I’d also like to note that aside from the little boxes on the floor, which can be probably cleaned up in a minute or two, his room is really clean! An absolute clean nerd (autism). Weirdo.

So yeah, I can absolutely see him being hyperfixated on space and astromony, and adores it. I can totally see him being super quiet only giving the occasional blunt one-liners but then flipping into rambling about space whenever you give him the chance. He loves Stripe, and all the variations of stripe over the years which is honestly really heart-warming. It really does crush the whole ‘bad-boy’ persona when some of the characters chalk him up to be a troublemaker. This kid loves animals. DORK.  Last thing is the fictional red racer tv show, I could sooo see him having a mini-fixation on it too. When Cartman asks him to fight Tweek in ‘Tweek vs Craig’ he responds that he’ll only do it after red racer. THIS BOY HAS WORKED RED RACER INTO HIS AUTISM SCHEDULE.. A LOSER. Anyway this was an absolute ramble!! And not even all my thoughts on this character, I’m forgetting a LOT and it’s sorta sad how much I could probably add to this. I could also talk a bit about his character relationships in my own personal au? headcanon? Idk what you’d call it. I’d love to ramble about Tweek too, and especially Creek headacnons as a whole as I had to personally hold myself back from adding a bunch of Creek into this ramble. I love them too much I’m sorry.  Anyway, let me know if you want to hear anything more about the topics listed above! You guys are epic, thanks for listening. <3333

Masterlist • P@tr30n • Personal readings

Pause and take a big breath in, then choose the pile you feel the most drawn to🦋

Hi! Thank you for stopping by and reading my work. I hope that you’re going to find the guidance that you need🫶🏻 You can now book a reading with me! Visit my services here and just message me if you are interested in booking any reading.

Pile 1

Your person is really speaking a whole lot without taking your feelings into their account, it’s almost like they’re distorting the evidence that is in front of them, the one that you are sharing with them and they’re turning it all around to make it all about you and nothing really about them. They just simply aren’t fulfilled within, they might be burdened or overwhelmed by something, kind of making it a habit of overextending themselves here and there without really understanding their levels of energy and what they can actually give vs what they give. It seems like they’re pouring it all out on you, they’re exhausted mentally and emotionally, they don’t know what else to do and you are the closest one to them that can actually take ‘their punches’, it’s kind of like they feel as though that they truly do not have the energy on working on this relationship right now and instead of stating that, they are saying that they are able to, that they want to, when in reality they don’t have the energy needed due to their poor choices. Your person craves a deeper intimacy with you, their commitment towards you is actually really secure and they are very serious about you, are loyal and they want to love you the way that you deserve but their ego seems to be getting in the way a little bit. It’s a challenging time both for them and for your relationship, they want to discontinue this habit of theirs to actually overextend themselves and invest into what they find meaningful and what’s bringing them happiness, but they feel like they are being pushed away from you, the only place in which they actually feel comfortable and safe, and that’s taking away all of their sense of stability and security. This isn’t some sort of dependence on you emotionally, it’s just that the relationship this person has —

If you enjoyed this reading, the full, in depth reading is available to read on P@tr30n which you can find in my masterlist pinned post. Thank you so much for your support💗

Likes and rbs are appreciated🦋

Pile 2

Your person would like to tell you that they know you are healing and they know that they are also healing, trying to move past the pain that you’ve been through, the things that have been said or done because they really can not stand the two of you being so apart from each other emotionally. They are trying to actually understand the setbacks in this relationship so that they can figure out the best solution possible and they would really want to be able to convey to you how hard they’re trying, but they’re saying nothing about it or very very little. They’ve been very absorbed within themselves, looking at their world, their inner world, trying to reflect, shutting the door onto the outside world and maybe even on you. Even if you’re knocking at their door, they’re not really opening it up even if they are hearing you because the mistakes that have happened have made them feel like they’ve been failing the connection, they might’ve even felt rejected by seeing this distance between the two of you and these changes that have been happening in your connection have truly been emotionally and mentally debilitating for them. They want to let you in but they don’t have an answer, they need to go within, but they’re not really telling you this because they’re afraid you won’t really let them have their space or that you would think something they don’t really mean from them taking this space so they are detaching without saying a word, without asking, thinking that is the best solution right now. To you it seems like every effort that you put into this connection isn’t seen, isn’t really wanted or accepted and you want it to be equal, you want the both of you to actually put in more effort for this relationship, but they truly need this space to regroup themselves right now. It’s almost like it’s a lingering, slow detachment, they’re not willing to come through and communicate openly and honestly about what’s going on in the connection right now because even if they want to, they really don’t —

If you enjoyed this reading, the full, in depth reading is available to read on P@tr30n which you can find in my masterlist pinned post. Thank you so much for your support💗

Likes and rbs are appreciated🦋

Thank you all so much for reading and I hope this offered you the guidance you needed! Much love xx

Dividers by Kawaii-Lau on Tumblr🦋

Those Ocean Eyes (Ch. 1)

Word Count; 1,477

Notes; A plethora of memories, both cherished and heart-wrenching, shared with the one and only Larissa Weems. Cross posted on a03

Warnings; No warnings for anything just yet, but the rating of this will change as chapters are added. I don't know how long this will be, but I do hope you enjoy it nonetheless!

To honestly describe the feelings you felt when first seeing Larissa, one would need a much more vast knowledge of a language than even the brightest humans could ever achieve. There were truly not enough words in any language to properly convey the bluest and loveliest eyes to ever have existed. 

When first given a glance at the blessed cerulean irises of one Larissa Weems, it had taken your breath away. She had been sitting in the library, curled up with notebooks and reading material. The cap of her pen was tucked between her perfect teeth. The way her eyes danced across the paging of her book, so intensely focused on her learning, had made you quite jealous of what she was reading. 

Did you feel ridiculous having felt that way over a woman you had just seen, not even spoken to yet? Yes, you did. However, there was no stopping the flow of feelings coursing through your body because of her. She gave off a vibe that you knew your vibe could coincide with. Your soul knew there was something special to be had here, something to be cherished. But of course, like any anxiety-ridden gay, you would be taking your sweet ass time moving forward to create that connection.

Her eyes were like sparkling sapphires, obviously, there to make all shiny and gorgeous things feel inadequate next to her. God, the knowledge and depth you could see behind them were something to be revered and feared simultaneously. You could see the cogs turning in her head, moving quickly to understand what was being read. Seconds later, you could see a light click inside those eyes, a moment of understanding before she quickly wrote a few sentences down in her notebook. A small, but triumphant smile curled the edges of her lips and you felt your knees go weak at the sight.

You had been slowly getting closer to Larissa, your legs moving of their own accord as you watched her intently. You had come to the library to do your studying, following the path you always took to the exact seat Larissa was sitting in. Under no circumstances were you going to disturb her though. It’s not like your name was on that seat. Besides, she looked so comfortable there, writing away her thoughts on the paper. 

The moment you were a split second away from turning around and finding a new seat to take, Larissa’s eyes looked up at you surprisingly. You stood still in the spot you were standing, a nervous smile on your face. Those captivating eyes looked you over, not judging, but reading you. You swallowed the lump in your throat as you wondered what she could be thinking. 

You weren’t sure how long you stood there, staring back at her like someone who’d just remembered they’d left the stove on at home. Larissa blinked and shifted in the chair, slightly uncomfortable.

“May I help you?” She questioned, blue eyes boring into yours, making your head feel slightly numb from the anxiety of being caught staring. 

Finally, after hearing her melodic tone drift to your ears (even if it was in annoyance), you cleared your throat and threw her a small, apologetic smile. 

“I’m so sorry! I did mean to stare!” You began, holding your hands up in front of your chest in a surrender motion. “I usually sit here to study and was surprised to find someone else. I’m normally the only one who comes to this corner of the library.” You chuckled lightly, rubbing the back of your neck timidly.

“My apologies. I can move if you like?” Larissa questioned, already starting to unfold her long legs from underneath her.

You took a step forward, waving your hands to try to stop her. “No, no! Please! Stay!” Your words were rushed, rising in tone as your eyes widened. “You look so comfortable and I would hate to make you move! I didn’t mean to disturb you, I was just…” 

You cut yourself off, minding reeling for a moment for a way to finish that sentence. You couldn’t exactly tell her you had been standing there basically daydreaming about her. How creepy would you come across confessing something like that to a stranger?

Larissa stilled her movements and stared up at you, the space between her eyebrows crinkling as she watched you flounder for words. Truthfully, she found you kind of cute the way you seemed so nervous over her offering to find another place to sit. A tiny, barely there smile lifted the corner of her mouth as she suppressed a chuckle. One shouldn’t laugh at someone who was struggling with something.

“Just what?” She pressed, raising one of her perfect eyebrows in question. Okay, maybe she was teasing a little, but she just couldn’t help herself with how adorable you looked with your mouth agape.

“I uh…I was just really admiring how focused you seemed in your work. I don’t see that a lot here, what with the way everyone’s teenage hormones seem to be raging.” You laughed, giving her a timid smile. It was a confession of sorts, but only a small one. That’s all she was getting out of you for now.

With a hum, the woman nodded her head and sat back in the seat. “I know what you mean. Sometimes I wonder how some of them even pass their classes.” Larissa shook her head, clearly thinking of a few students in particular.

A grin spread across your face, finding hope in the fact that she didn’t seem to find you utterly ridiculous. She was speaking with you, which meant you hadn’t given her some kind of impression that you weren’t entirely dumb. Good, good. You would hate to make someone as beautiful as her find you hard to speak to.

“I can imagine they do so by the skin of their teeth. If even that.” You quipped, a little lopsided smile gracing your features.

Your smile grew when she laughed, head tilted back slightly. The triumph you felt of making her laugh, her eyes gleaming with a knowing look as she looked back at you. And what a laugh it was, sending shivers up your spine and making your laugh appear on its own. That was a sound you knew you’d want to continue hearing. 

“I have no doubt you’re right.” She replied as she settled herself back in the chair. 

After a moment of readjusting her sitting position, she looked back up at you with a welcoming and gentle look on her face. She waved her hand at the chair opposite of hers as her eyes cut over to it. “If you like, we can study together.” Larissa offered, trying to make herself seem as open as possible. 

That was unusual for her. Most of the time, she was guarded around the other students at Nevermore. But there was something about you that called to her. She wasn’t sure what just yet, but something in her brain was telling her to just go for it. Make a friend, other than Morticia. 

“I’m Larissa Weems, by the way. And you are?” She looked at you expectantly, head tilted ever so slightly.

Larissa Weems. Larissa “Goddess of the Sapphire Irises” Weems. That’s how you referred to her in your head. Not that she needed to know that. She had such a gorgeous name, fitting for the perfect picture of loveliness sitting before you. You knew the name, having heard others speak of her, but you were new enough that you hadn’t run into her yet. You were thanking whatever gods there were out there that you had finally come across her. 

You smiled widely at her and moved timidly to the other chair she had pointed out to you. You knew the damn chair was there, but your brain had short-circuited upon seeing the prettiest woman in the school sitting in the other. 

“Y/n.” You responded, curling yourself in the chair similar to how she had done so. “It’s very nice to meet you.”

“The feeling is mutual” Larissa replied, giving you a winning smile before redirecting her attention back to her books.

After that first meeting, each time you went back to the library, you looked for her and those gorgeous eyes. And she was there, every single time. Each time you saw her look up at you as you rounded the corner of the bookshelf, looking hopeful that it was you and not someone else, your heart skipped a happy little beat. The fact that she seemed to enjoy your company as much as you did hers was truly shocking. You weren’t going to question it though. You were going to take whatever time this lovely woman was willing to give you and you were going to cherish it greatly.

This post was inspired by @zerodaytime, who made a great analysis of this poem back in april. I've really based my own thoughts on his point that the main theme of the poem was power. (I've chopped up the poem a bit just for ease of explanation: the full poem is here and zerodaytime's analysis of it can be found here)

"The gun may be the perfect weapon," he said,

standing between a rock and a hard place

"But a gun is nothing without a bullet," I replied

As zerodaytime put it, someone is suggesting to the speaker that the gun is the ultimate source of power. But the gun's dependance on the bullet makes the gun nothing: powerless. Allegorically, this implies that to experience true power a killer must be completely independent and in control.

Furthermore, I think it's important that the gun is a very impersonal weapon: it is not actually the gun kills someone, it is the bullet. The speaker is suggesting that that the power experienced in killing is not felt through any tool used to bring you there, but through the final and tactile act itself, and thus that any truly perfect weapon/murder cannot have even the illusion of separation from that act, as a long-range gun does.

I am my bullet.

The speaker, who is almost certainly Cal, views himself as the final piece to a perfect weapon. By being a bullet, he implies that his only purpose is to hurt. If Cal is bullet, there is a sense of inevitability about Zero Day: a bullet can either harm people or go unused and wasted- in a way, this is the "rock and a hard place" mentioned before: the choice between a wasted life or completing Zero Day. This sentiment is also seen in the final line of the poem.

Additionally, by being his own metaphorical bullet, he is in a way owning himself: being dependant on nothing and no-one, having complete control/power in the act of killing: All of which make it seem that he views his murders as an experience of perfect and ultimate power.

I live my life along the parabolic arch of purpose, meaning

Describing the path of his life as parabolic connotes that his actions are simultaneously natural and mathematical: predicable and unchanging in their destination- Cal feels Zero Day is inevitable and meticulously planned/executed.

I really like what zerodaytime pointed out about this line: a life lived in an "arch" suggests that Cal is in a continuous upward motion, implying striving for a higher purpose. However: an arch has both a rise and a fall: the fall being Cals planned suicide and the uselessness of any life beyond the culmination of Zero Day? Perhaps I am reading too much into it here.

And then there was that time when you stepped on a landmine

And I never forgave you

And you could feel the entire rise and fall of the Third Reich at your feet.

Here I am less confident about what the poem means. I do think it is interesting that the person who the speaker addresses has been the victim of some event (compared to a landmine and the Third Reich under their feet) and this victimhood, being at the losing end of some massive destructive power, is what angers the speaker. This could suggest what what most repulses Cal is the idea of victimhood and powerlessness in life.

Also the tense of "I never forgave you" stands out to me: the fact that it is in past tense implies that Cals ability to forgive the person is gone- because he himself is too consumed by the anger that motivates Zero Day? or because the person he is speaking to died as a result of their victimhood? Either way, its interesting.

It's a wasted life.

zerodaytime suggested that the life that Cal is speaking of is that of the person who stepped on a landmine, conveying that a life spent as a helpless victim is a useless one.

Alternatively, he could be speaking about life more generally, or his own life, as reflected his earlier implications that continuing his life without Zero Day would be pointless or perhaps impossible.

I love this poem so much and I really hope that you guys like my analysis :)))

iris & zinnia for the botanical prompts!

[from @/icehearts, and sorry for the angst lmao]

Oh that's fine I love angst thank you so much >3 Answering for Ahru and I'll put them under a cut because 1. length and 2. spoilers! All the way through EW.

iris :   if your muse could convey one last message to someone they have lost or left behind ,   what would it be ?  

~Snippets from Letters to the Lifestream~

To Venat: I feel like you know everything already, but if I don't say it I think it'll fester in my lungs. I hated you. Resented you, feared you. I didn't understand you at all. Not until it was too late. I'm so sorry. Thank you for never holding it against me. Thank you for loving me and believing in me. I love you too, so, so much.

To Wilred: I don't know if it means much, but I am so, so proud of you. You may not realize it but you gave me hope and inspiration - to be a better person, too. (there are smudges here, and the lines are scribbled in a more shaky hand) I wish you could see Ala Mhigo now, free and thriving. I'm so sorry I couldn't save you.

To Haurchefant: It's been so long, since I would walk into your quarters and unravel my trials and tales to you. My quill faltered over the paper for so long, remembering how easy it used to be. I never had to pretend, never had to be more than exactly who I was. Thank you. For that, and everything else you gave me. A home, a family, a life. You know, it's not an easy thing, to live after someone dies for you. It's actually really, really hard. But you always believed in me, didn't you? Thank you for that, too. Also, just one more thing. I wish I'd said it then, but I was too foolish to figure it out. I love you. I love you. I love you.

To Emet-Selch: I imagine writing you like this is just going to annoy you. But if anyone actually found these letters it'd be you, I'm sure. Are you having a good rest? The birds are singing, children play, and the star continues to thrive. But what I really want to say is that I miss you. In ways my 'feeble mind' can't fathom but my soul feels keenly. I look forward to meeting you again one day, and annoying you in the next life too.

To Zenos: You godsdamned fool. Why couldn't you listen for once? If you come back again I... Well, I won't kill you again, but I'll do you one worse. I'll make you live. Really live. Oh, you're going to hate it. You're going to love it. (at the bottom of the page, written small) You will come back, won't you?

(on the back of the page, scribbled at a slant in a faster, angry scrawl) You saved me. I hate that you did. But it makes sense that you did, in our special way. I know only you would truly understand it. But here's the thing you won't understand: I love you for it.

zinnia :   how has the loss of fallen comrades and/or loved ones affected your muse ?   has it taught them anything or given them any new perspectives ?

Ho boy. I'm gonna break this down per character (a few, not all). Gonna put the rest under a cut!

Haurchefant: Bad. To summarize, her mindset basically became "I have to keep going for him, I have to keep going for everyone who is still alive, I have to be everywhere, always, and not ever, ever let this happen again, I can't let anyone else die for me." This was a mindset already seeded by the attack on the Waking Sands and the Bloody Banquet, but really took vicious root with Haurchefant's death. She ran herself ragged until basically post-Stormblood.

I want to say she did gain good things from it too in the long run but that's more her own healing done over a long period of time. She did also realize after he died that she loved him (big oofies), which would be the seed that gradually opened her heart and steadied her spirit in the long run (though also reliant on A Lot of Other Stuff).

Zenos: As far as growth-through-others goes, I feel like Hau and Zenos are two sides of the same coin for Ahru. The two little consciences on her shoulders. Wounds Haurchefant left in her spirit Zenos carved on her flesh to bleed out. I wrote this thing post-SB that I think gives at least some impression:

A kindred beast wrapped in war and bitter despair. A cutting pain that leaves her gasping, bleeding - alive. Human. She remembers in the struggle what it feels like to drown, to barely stay afloat, and then, against all odds, to survive. It is the bricks and mortar of who she is, reconstructed in a terrible dance for the heavens to gaze upon. As her teeth bite down on supple flesh, and blood spills down her throat, she is once more the victor. Once more, alone. 

So yeah, Zenos was absolutely her mirror, and losing him (both times) hit terribly hard despite all the damage he did. But she also realized exactly what made them different; all of the love and companionship she had in her life, deep roots that made the whole world her beloved home.

She also greatly embraced the idea of 'being a monster', at first in a kind of rabid way, on the heels of that mindset mentioned in the Haurchefant section, though gradually more in the sense of 'being a monster isn't such a bad thing': She's powerful and strong and can protect her friends.

Venat: Ahru had so many suspicions about Hydaelyn for so long, and then to have them sorta-kinda 'confirmed' by Emet-Selch? Well, it was more complicated than just giving her the rights to be like "Aha! I knew it!" Because that truth of course came with a lot more information, that made everything a lot more complicated.

I think a lot about meeting her on the boat, how once upon a time Ahru would have chosen the option about 'no longer being able to trust Hydaelyn' - because she never really did. But instead, by this point, she felt so much more compelled and asked 'why show yourself now?' Ahru has always been deeply curious (almost not even a strong enough word) about the Ascians and what drives them, about Zodiark and Hydaelyn.

So then to meet her, to share her stories, to learn the truth behind her blessings, changed everything for her. To learn how similar they were, how deep their connections ran. To learn that this Goddess has been standing firm, waiting for her, just. How soul-shaking it was. She had such little faith in Hydaelyn, and Hydaelyn had so much in her.

There's a lot of other complicated feelings between Ahru and her mother, Ahnia, when compared to the sort of warmth and acceptance she realized Venat gave her. Basically, in the course of Endwalker, she gained a sort-of-mother figure who was then taken away from her and it's a really complicated sort of grief she's dealing with there. It isn't, however as debilitating or damaging a grief as some others, for the most part. Rather, she feels more strong and resolute, renewed of purpose.

There's a common theme in a lot of Ahru's loss, of realizing too late what should have been cherished. And that isn't always her fault, either! she's had to realize. But if there's one thing it's all taught her it's to really hold those she loves close, to keep an open heart, and cherish every encounter.