He said he finally figured out what was wrong with me. Lilith and her friend were forbidden to enter the garden. There are no lovers in paradise. There is no room for error. She would make the space impure with her love. That is what I was told. I saw them together outside the metal gates. They were loving each other. They held no sin; they embraced only each other. He said it was selfish. They chose each other over him. I really cannot blame them. He clearly chose himself over them. He said I am not his if I were to love my own. I cannot blame him. I clearly chose myself over him.

winter brought me bloom, now spring has brought me rot; you’ve turned my very existence backwards.

A baby entering the world will hear another infant cry and emulate it. You always said that we are innately evil; you said that empathy is a learned trait. I've found that it is one of the few traits that is not learned. I think you unlearned it on purpose. I think you want the world to be like you, so you call it evil.

This time of year we pause and suffer in retrospect. Everyone is talking about the people they loved 6 months ago. I never cared for it; I miss who I was 6 months ago. I hate to tell him that he will not become the dream he has been dwelling on. I hate to tell him that nothing works out. I hate to tell him that I am suffering in retrospect yet again, and writing a letter to a version of me that has passed on. That boy will keep dreaming in heaven. I keep a light on for the children I have been. I am not them now, they are not returning, and I remember them as friends. I love them still. I will honor their brief time on earth with a candle and a prayer.

There's an audible difference between pouring hot water and cold water. That's what it's like to see a message that your friend clearly sent for you because you were too drunk to type it out. You aren’t that good with punctuation and you don’t capitalize my name when you type it. Your parents were going to come by for dinner but you told them that a friend  “had an emergency” and “needed a ride”. I love you, but you are a terrible liar. That friend is your **ride, actually, and you are far too gone to be of any use in a hypothetical emergency. I’m preparing a warm bath for when you get home. Your spontaneous adventures are awfully predictable. They always end the same way too. I’ll stay up every night to help you up the stairs if it means I stay up every night with you and for you. I’ll wash your clothes and light candles because you don’t want the harsh fluorescence in your eyes. A million times and a million more. in rotation. forever.

I think I left part of me smoking with you on your balcony. he still hasn’t found out it’s over.

for now, he’s found somewhere he wants to stay and he’s the happiest he’s ever been.

just because I no longer believe in hell does not mean I am any less deserving of it; I will make hell for myself.

I have moved on from who you are now, but not quite who you were before. Who you used to be holds a much deeper place in my heart.

i don't like the idea of you alone. your living room is supposed to have both of us. my porch should seat more than myself. we are a bouquet that fell apart in the wind, carelessly strangled back in two bundles of foliage. Both of us are placed in vases. both of us are unrooted and fading. I don't like the idea of you alone. we were supposed to fade together.

a woman smiled at me in the coffee shop, i smiled back. you’re gone, yet still i feel like a traitor.

you once told me there is tragedy in my eyes. you are the only one to see it because it is only there when I look at you; I feel the doom in each of your breaths, see the end in every smile. I know how this goes.

I took you back home and let you sleep in the study. I figured if nothing else you would enjoy the silence. I gave you a portion of my breakfast; I can't imagine the cold stone of the city left you full. A little bit of egg and sausage for good protein. When I return home and see that you are still here I pick you up and call you family. A name tag gives you the last name of my kin. I know you will carry it with honor. When neither of us can sleep I will fix an old fashioned and we can warm ourselves by the study's fireplace. I will read aloud, not because you understand the words, but because you understand that I am saying them for you.

This morning, like any other, i brewed two cups of tea. Without you in my living room, disheveled and half clothed in the most beautiful way, I drink both cups and finish in half the time.

all my greatest memories have been poisoned with regret by the person you have become.

you will never love me the way I love you. I realize that now. I will always be the one giving everything, and I will always be the one begging for scraps.

never let anyone love you less than I have, but please, for their sake, love them better than you did me.

I will forgive you as I was taught by the god I once knew: selfishly hoping it will be returned to me in the form of worship.