There Is An Angel Who Sits Upon My Shoulder Who Goes By The Name Of Death
Preface: For the last day of mental health month, I wanted to share something I wrote that deals with some rather dark struggles. Struggles that I know others face as well. Struggles that I hope might be eased for just one person who reads this, even if only in the smallest way.
There is an angel who sits upon my shoulder who goes by the name of Death,
And though I cannot always see him, upon my neck I can always feel his breath
As he whispers to me relentlessly, deftly using my soul’s own Shibboleth.
He is my phantasmagorical companion from which there has thus far been no escape,
One who has no single voice nor form yet is somehow always horrific in his shape
When my mind’s eye sees him lying in the darkest shadows of my brain's path-illogical landscape.
For while it may be hidden, we are locked in eternal battle, one to which we both are bound,
And though the clashes rage on deep within, the fighting furious and yet without a sound,
The hardest part is not the fighting, it is the feeling that there will never be any respite to be found.
This war is one without casualties but still with victims–its battles waged within the mind–
But even having entreated aid from all my demons with any values I could trade in kind,
I have yet to even dream of any type of peace accords to which we would both agree to bind.
But what I have paid in pain to learn in this seemingly Sisyphean struggle is that one cannot sit idly by,
That every new assault of his is but an opportunity for me to learn new tactics that I can in future then apply.
Thus I have vowed: Whatever new mental munitions he has in store for me, nor what deadly schemes I must yet defy–
Though I know, like you, I too will one day meet my end, it shall be he who will be the first to die.
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I wrote a poem about Linda Monroe from the perspective of gossipers and announcers at pageants/contests, sort of examining how Linda was viewed for her entire life (maybe I’ve watched too much Toddlers & Tiaras?):
Let’s welcome to the stage contestant number 5
Little Linda Murray, a beauty queen hopeful
She’s only five, isn’t she a picture?
Simply ravishing, she has her mother’s beauty
Her mother was our Honey Queen, how will her heir fare?
She likes playing with her dolls and pleasing her father
We’re told she bleached her teeth by herself
Her routine is so rehearsed - oh, she’s been practicing without sleep for months?
Her father must be so proud of her
For your consideration - Linda Murray for Little Miss Hatchetfield
Let’s welcome to the stage prom queen candidate Miss Linda Murray
Isn’t she gorgeous? No expenses were spared
A picture in her pink tulle ballgown, studded with glittering rubies
With her bevy of suitors in tow, each richer than the last
This lucky lady can have her pick of the boys
But what does she offer as a romantic partner?…
Well, she’s beautiful, and… she might be intelligent - certainly eager to please
Could that be seen as attention-seeking?
What does her father think of her behaviour?
But still, for your consideration - the lovely Linda Murray for your prom queen
Did you hear about Linda Murray- sorry, Monroe’s- wedding?
Well, she looked nice, the dress was pretty
The ceremony was lavish, with an ice sculpture to boot
But don’t you think it was performative?
Who was the ridiculous splendour for?
Did you know that her father didn’t walk her down the aisle? Oh well, he must’ve been busy
Her husband’s career seems steady, Linda’s made herself a trophy wife
Isn’t it odd? None of us ever emphasised her beauty, doesn’t she have brains beyond her desire to please?
I’d bet anything that this is just for attention on Linda’s part
But still, please welcome to the dance floor the bride and groom, Mr and Mrs Monroe!
Let’s welcome to the clearing, this year’s Honey Queen Linda Monroe!
Isn’t she ravishing? The perfect sacrifice, really
After all, beneath her hunger is that delicious desire to please, for attention
From her husband, from her children, from her father most of all
But did he ever really love her? Well, does it matter?
Such a pity, she’s screaming now, where’s that insufferable confidence?
A shame she only had boys… perhaps the pageant could expand to Honey Kings once they’re older?
Or maybe their daughters could take up the mantle? How will her heirs fare?
And now she’s gone down the hatch, her beauty is no more
There’s no time or reason to mourn her, but still, congratulations to this year’s Honey Queen, Linda Monroe
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When I look at the stars, it feels like something awakens from within the deep confinement from my chest. A feeling that I can not fathom to explain as purely as it feels or explain just how tremendous that emotion is and how it encompasses all that I feel in its expanse as if being held in its hands. It is somewhere between bliss and an ache, like nostalgia but pain; its like memories you have never lived and if you have, some are your own while some vicarious, but regardless it feels like everything will be okay but a question remains about the future. How many times have people laid under the same sky or even looked at it and felt so much and pondered about the same things. How many souls from the past have learnt to live under this sky. It is like seeing hope glimmer bright enough to blind you yet guide you in the most breathtaking way. The night sky in its velvet vastness hides behind a veil with so much to uncover, which is much like our souls and the layers that are to the human mind and existence. To our amazement and wonder, to our breathing and heart beating. Nothing is truly dead, and everything exists with a chord that binds all together under the same sky. It's unbearably beautiful and astounding. Esoteric philosophy that lingers in my mind, wistfullness, ecstasy, and love and all that built a home in my heart. It is evident and a reminder of the fact that beauty is everywhere.
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