7th May 2019

I’ve got a phat headache 🥰🥰🥰 I’m gonna fucking die lolololol XD

So the bAD J,,, we’re bonding 😔😔

We’re bonding over how Dogman is a fitty🤪🤪🤙🏻 he told her to get a bottle down that she threw but she’s literally 3 foot so she was like “I can’t.” 😞😞😞 n so he was like “I didn’t see then. 😉😉😉” JSKSJSKSK UWU

Maths with Dogman tho,,,, ohmy-

So he helped me n O bc we’re the dumbest bitches in that room ☺️☺️☺️✌🏻✌🏻✌🏻

Anyways Dogman came to help us oof,, but me and O are just,,,,ohmygod,,, we were being SO FUCKING DUMB JEEZ,,

Whenever Dogman would talk we’d just look at each other and laugh,,, like SHE FUCKING GRUNTED WHEN I SPOKE LMAOO😭😭😭😭

THEN!!!! I said the awnser for her bc she was being a slow bitch n she started shouting “OHMYGOD THAT WAS MY TIME TO SHINE!!!” 😡😡😡😡 fUCking IN FRONT OF MY BOYFRIEND JFC!!!! Lmao he just laughed awkwardly oogZ

Anyways 💁‍♀️

We’re doing averages n like,, I’m a dumb bitch and I can’t tell the differences between all the M’s in like mean, mode and shit like those are the only ones I know bc like shit fuck I’m dumb

So Dogman was tryna teach me them n yeah,,, didn’t work lmao 🤪🤙🏻🤙🏻

But at the end of lesson me and O where leaving and Dogman stops us and is like “K. What’s the mode?” MY DUMBASS IS LIKE ‘awe shit. We don’t even know how to count’

So 🥰🥰 my 🤪 DUMB 😳😳 A S S 😋😋 is like “...uh. The one where you... and like... you... yeah.” So. 😚✌🏻 he most likely thinks I’m a dumb bitch. Jk he laughed a little and told me to work on it but this is mean and I’ve been writing this for 2 hours so fuck that (hi yes lmao I’m the worst at doing everything)

Now A will give her experience with T during her test. (Just in time bitch bc I just wrote what she told me dumb cunt)

Like always. Language and opinions used are not my own

I walked up the stairs n he heard me going upstairs. he stood in front of me and smiled showing his manky teeth. he had a light beard, but it was longer than last time, and it was darker [i love my fave depressed king]. i come in and he's like "feeling good " acting like some black rapper. I just gave him that "kys" look n sat down. he was like " oh i'll do this student and then do A" but he pronounced my name in the spanish way which was cool i guess. I was daydreaming n he comes out all like " what ARE YOU DOING". i was like " u never gave me my stupid work" n he was like " O" he got me the general convo card n walked off. this is the bit that made me question wether he was autistic or not, HE COMES BACK 2 SECONDS AFTER N HE WAS LIKE " ACTUALLY, I'LL HAVE THAT" n left me to daydream again. the old woman gave me my paper n stuff and he wrote my name for me [enter, god I wish that was me]. i look down at my name and it says " A Ayo" aYo??? [actual full name 110%] he was a tired man for sure. he was like do u have a pen n i was like no lmao so he points at my tit [GOD 😔 I WISH THAT WAS ME 🤤😫] n hes like u liar so after explaining that the pen didnt work he gave me one. he comes back 12mins after n he's like aahh ur turn bro alright get ready here's the good shit, i might hate him but he was ok during this bit. before the test he's like 'how r u feeling' n I said ' i dont want to this cba bc im fasting' the man starts fucking cackling and laughing like a rat [T’s islamaphobic scandal hi]. i was just like ' :/ ' and he was like " all these kids were like 'im nervous' but ur like cba ayee' i was like xd [this is the banter confidence I wish I had] . he goes on to the speaking bit and u could tell he enjoyed talking to someone fluent [we love teachers who actually enjoy teaching]. he said "what do u think is the worse conflict" or some shit cba to english rn bro. i was like lol lemme mess with him and said" holocaust" [reminder T is natively German!!] he was like um... asdfghjkl He asked " whats ur fave tv show when u were a kid" and i was like um teletubbies and he started laughing [*rebuys all my teletubbie badges*], i felt suffocated so i move a little and my leg touches his inner thigh area [;-;]. i was like " omg no forgive me god " n pretended it didnt happen. we were talking abt teletubbies n stuff until the test ended n i was like " i fucked that up" he starts laughing again n he's all like " ummm no ur not" anyhoo we were all like " yes i am no ur not" u know the intimacy you'll never get ayee [report A guys. Dropping her @. Doxx the bitch]. also at the start my candidate number was 7000 and he was like UR SO LUCKY OMG MY FAVE NUMBER IS 7 [MY FAVOURITE NUMBER IS 7 & ITS ALSO MY BDAY NUMBER SO WE ARE DESTINED TO BE!!11!!!!1!]

So that was an excerpt from A. My heart aches and I miss him and I wish I was an anxiety ridden pussy 😊😊✌🏻✌🏻

BUT I ENDED UP SEEING HIM 🥰🥰🥰🥰💝💞💓💗💖💘💕

I saw him in his class after final lesson talking to his tutors HOY,,

He didn’t have his glasses on :3 he looks so cute and like uwuuwuwuwuwuwu,,, but I’m pretty sure he saw me stare at him 😳😳😳

I’m pretty sure he made eye contact with me 😖😖😰😰😰😰 hhhhhh

But yh he cute 💝💞💓💗💖💘💕

TO MAKE JT EVEN BETTER!!!!!

My girl S who lives right next to the road by the school (she sees teachers walking past all the time) and her windows are literally at the end of my road

She texts me saying T’s on his way down my road 🤩🤩🤩🤩

So I wait and I see him!!!!! 💝💞💓💗💖💘💕💝💞💓💗💖💘💕!!!!

He’s THE CUTEST I SWEAR!!!!!

He had his apple earphones in (yeah he’s broke) and he pushed his hair back with his hand n like 😖😖🤤🤤🤤💝💞💓💗💖💘💕

I was so tempted to be that stalker bitch and snap a pic but I was like “Hold up. That’s fucking creepy” BUT UWU!!!!!!! I LOVE 1 MAN!!!!

HOW TO WRITE A SELECTIVELY MUTE CHARACTER.

I’m seeing a lot of writers making the decision to make their character what is called ‘selectively mute’, and while I’m so happy that the S.M. community are finally getting some representation, I would much prefer that it could be portrayed as accurately as possible. I’ve found a lot of ‘how to write mute characters’ guides, but I’ve yet to find many that specifies completely on this disorder. This guide is written by someone who has personally suffered from selective mutism as a child and somewhat as a teenager. If you wish for your character to have this condition, I’d encourage you to read on and perhaps learn a few things about it.

Please bear in mind that most of what I’ve written below are from my own personal experiences and that everybody deals with the condition differently! I am also not a doctor or a health professional, but I hope that this guide will at least be of some help to you!

WHAT IS SELECTIVE MUTISM?

Selective mutism is defined by wiki as: “an anxiety disorder in which a person who is normally capable of speech cannot speak in specific situations or to specific people. Selective mutism usually co-exists with shyness or social anxiety.”

So yes, for me it was the acute and intense phobia of socialising, or more accurately (and perhaps the most important aspect to distinguish) the crippling fear of being mocked and ridiculed. It is not a fear of speaking. I, for example, could talk quite comfortably to very close friends and nuclear family, but was suddenly rendered speechless when surrounded by my school friends, teachers, and most of my extended family members – however it must be noted that for my extended family, I would eventually warm up to them after a day or two.

DESTROYING THE COMMON MYTHS:

“So you basically couldn’t speak?” – Now that is a different kind of mutism, one that is usually caused by a health condition or likewise. If you wish for your character to be rendered speechless because they are physically unable to (for example, if your character is hard of hearing etc.), then this isn’t the guide for you and that isn’t selective mutism – although it is completely possible for your character to have both! Just as long as you recognise that they’re two completely different conditions. There was nothing physical preventing me from speaking but my own crippling social anxiety, a little ‘voice’ in my head that told me that whatever I said would be stupid and therefore not worth voicing.

“It sounds quite cute/adorable” – That whole stereotype of the shy girl who’s adorable because she’s quiet and blushes needs to die, right now. Selective mutism almost completely ruined my childhood. As a kid, bullies would seek me out at school because they knew I couldn’t ask for help. It got so severe that I had to move schools.

“You obviously went through some trauma in your life” – In some cases this is true, other times (like mine) I was just very socially anxious and belonged to a family with a history of diagnosed (and undiagnosed) mental disorders, which just so happened to include anxiety. There have been cases where certain individuals have been through a traumatic event and perhaps they feel they are unable to speak to the person involved in that event – whether that be due to the fact that they were part of the trauma, or the cause of the trauma, and speaking to them would stir up a fear of the event repeating itself.  

“You were just being defiant/stubborn” – FUCK NO. I don’t think a lot of people understand that we didn’t choose to become selectively mute; it’s a chemical imbalance in the brain like all mental disorders. It’s literally like saying to someone with a broken leg to ‘get out of their wheelchair because they’re just being lazy’. I can’t stress this enough. I honestly can’t tell you what it was like being a kid and wanting to fit in and talk to people, yet believing that whatever I said would cause havoc for myself. It’s possibly one of the lowest forms of self-esteem you can have.

“So you chose who not to speak to?” – Yes and no. Like what I said above, I didn’t choose to be selectively mute, but there was definitely a pattern of which individuals I found myself not talking to. These were either strangers/people I didn’t know well, because I had no way of predicting how they’d react to my comments and that terrified me; most of my friends from school because I cared about their opinion too much to supposedly ‘ruin’ it; and then a collection of extended family members which is a combination of both my reaction to friends and strangers, which really depended on who it was. If you watch The Big Bang Theory, Raj’s inability to talk to women is a perfect example of what I’m talking about (although please note that he is not the paramour of selectively mute characters).

SOME COMMON SYMPTOMS:

Avoiding eye contact – For me it was always this weird superstition where I thought that looking into someone’s eyes meant that they could judge me harder? It’s also just a natural sign of submission AKA I really didn’t want to fight anyone. I still can’t look people in the eye and I haven’t suffered from the condition in years.

Fidgeting – Ignoring the fact that I also have ADHD, I’ve heard cases where fidgeting (mainly with the fingers, hair, clothing, or by wiggling the leg while sitting) can be an effective way of expelling that nervous energy when finding ourselves in social situations, or just in an attempt to distract ourselves from our own shitty thoughts. My fidgeting were mainly oral fixations (which also helped my ADHD – so hitting two birds with one stone) like chewing on literally everything: my sleeves, my nails (and the skin around them), my lips, the skin inside my mouth (which has caused some weird internal Joker-like scars), and stationary like the ends of pens and pencils. All of these habits have stayed with me into ‘adulthood’. Your character can have all, some, or none of these! It’s entirely up to you.

Blushing: Good evening, my most hated side effect. This occurred pretty much every time a person of authority (that weren’t my parents) talked to me. The worst part was that I could feel myself flushing, and since I knew what it looked like combined with my social phobia, only made it worse. Let the vicious transformation into a tomato begin.

SEEMINGLY UNRELATED SIDE EFFECTS:

Difficulty expressing emotions

Fear of change (feeling most comfortable with a routine their familiar with).

Difficulty with facial expression

COMMUNICATION:

Gosh, there are so many ways you can communicate with someone who is non-verbal and it really depends on the person and their personal preferences. But here are a few suggestions and what your character could use:

Flashcards: this is what I used. I had little pieces of laminated cards which I’d use at school. They didn’t have masses on them as you can imagine, but simple sentence starters and words like the basics greetings (hello, goodbye, good morning, good afternoon etc.), a card that requested ‘help’, yes and no, and whether I had brought a lunch or required food from the cafeteria. So it wasn’t exactly a full blown conversation, but it was enough to communicate the basics.

Sign language: I’m not saying your character should be able to know sign language off by heart (I certainly didn’t), but even just a few words that would communicate what was on my flashcards helped a lot. To be honest, for me the only reason why I picked up bits of sign language was because my younger brother, Sam, was autistic and didn’t start speaking full sentences to anyone until the age of four. So it also helped me and my parents to communicate with him as well as me.

Written communication: pretty self-explanatory. Whenever there was something I wanted to say but couldn’t communicate through my flashcards, I’d get a piece of paper and write it down.

Once again this is totally flexible. Your character can use all of these, some of these or none of these! It all depends on personal preference and the environment they grow up in. I’ve also not included every single way to communicate non-verbally because that would be a hella long list.

SCHOOL:

Okay, so my school experience was pretty shitty because of my selective mutism and here are a list of reasons why:

TEACHERS: I couldn’t ask for help. Yeah sure, I had a flash card with the word ‘HELP’ scribbled across it but, uh, I had severe social anxiety y’all I wasn’t always comfortable with drawing attention to myself. Especially since it was usually followed by the most painful few minutes of trying to communicate what I didn’t understand without words. It got so bad that I didn’t know how to add, subtract, multiply or divide at ten years old, and had to do Kumon (an intense Japanese tuition styled programme to help me get back on track). Having said that, I did have undiagnosed ADHD so that would have made everything 10x worse in the education department as I wasn’t always, y’know, listening.

BULLIES: ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, so this was a biggy. I’m not going to go into my sob story but it got so bad that it was one of the main factors in why I moved schools when I was seven.

MISUNDERSTANDING: okay, so I was thinking about this last night and remembered something really fucked up. I was told by a qualified teacher at the end of year 2 (I was seven years old) that if I didn’t speak by the start of year 3, I would fail school. Yeah, fucked up right? I genuinely remember the crippling anxiety I felt when she told me that and how mad my parents were when I told them. ANOTHER THING: my teachers did not tell all the staff about my mutism. I was queuing up for lunch and I pointed to the thing I wanted and when I didn’t say please, they almost refused to give me lunch and called me rude in front of my entire year. It’s this misunderstanding that caused me anxiety that could have easily been prevented if everyone had been better educated about the condition.

WHAT I’VE GAINED FROM THE CONDITION (positive):

Strong empathy

Above average perception/inquisitiveness

A strong sense of right and wrong

So there you have it, selective mutism. I really hoped this helped give a better understanding of what the condition is. Please don’t take this disorder lightly because it’s an ugly, ugly thing to have and it should never be a cute ‘quirk’ for your character. Also I must stress that you shouldn’t take this guide as your only research. Google it, look on the selective mutism/actually mute tag, research research research; it’s the best way to portray anything accurately. This guide is very basic and does not involve everything because that would take me forever. 

If you have any questions regarding selective mutism or this guide, send me a message and I’ll be happy to direct you the best I can! <3

Why 1970s-1980s autistic girls went undiagnosed. (Opinion)

Sexism.

I'm going to expound on this, but sexism is at the heart of all of my ideas about why girls went undiagnosed in the earlier eras. I'm not only talking about sexism from other people, I mean the inherent sexism within societal structures and the girls internalized themselves.

Even now I struggle against my own internal mental sexism. But these attitudes were formed when I was a child. As a girl in my era, your concerns were not taken as seriously. This happens today as well. I read a study recently that said women who visit doctors, with the same symptoms as men, get taken seriously far less often. You can go Google it if you like, but it's a thing that happens and there are multiple studies.

So when I had what we now know are sensory issues as a child, teen, and young adult, they merited an eyeroll and "Stop being so overdramatic!". I can remember countless times I was told that things that bothered me only bothered me because I was overreacting, making a mountain out of a molehill, or "just being silly". My experiences, as experienced by me, seemed less legitimate than my imagined experiences as believed by people like parents, teachers, and doctors. I internalized this somewhat. To the point that even now I have to fight it in my own head.

One of the best things about finding out about my autistic nature was being able to validate my own life experiences as experienced by me. Direct light really is horrible and I'm not bad for avoiding it. Wearing welder goggles to drive isn't something I need to belittle myself for, and I should not let others tell me it's stupid. Refusing to wear acrylic or polyester (even when gifted) isnt me being petty and rude. Giving back or refusing to eat a foodstuff I find horrid isn't just me being an ass. Meltdowns aren't something I'm doing *at* people cause I'm a jerk.

I realize that here on Tumblr, all these statements are like "duh. Of course". But I want you to understand that almost every childhood experience I had with my issues made me feel like I was a petty, melodramatic, acting-out unnecessarily ass.

So why is this about sexism?

Because no man I've ever talked to has faced the same "overreacting drama queen" mindset, and many women have. Many men find it bizarre and absurd, much like how a white dude who has never been pulled over is shocked by how many times Trevor Noah of The Daily Show has been (many).

The experiences of women of my era were diminished. The idea that we are over-emotional by nature, tainted people's perceptions of those of us with problems, even medical ones.

There is no reason, zero, to assume men are more inherently honest about their pain, emotions, and experiences, yet to trained medical professionals, they are assumed to be so. They are treated with more respect. This was even more true in the 1970s and 1980s than it is now.

Personal anecdote-

I have always hated melons. They have a weird aftertaste that, honestly tastes like something in vomit to me (also like cucumbers, which also make me vomit). Whenever they're mixed with other fruits, they taint them with that melony taste. Neither my parents nor my grandparents (when they were alive) ever remembered or respected this preference. I would get eye rolls, and it would end up on my plate if I wasn't insistent. Every year, every summer, I was asked to eat some, with people genuinely treating me as if I did not have enough self-knowledge to know I really *hated* it. Eye rolls, depreciating remarks ("You're being ridiculous" "Don't be so rude, just try some") were the standard. My Gra, sweetheart though she is and quite elderly now, offered me some this year. The improvement now is that I don't get teased about it anymore.

If my dad said he didn't like something, it did not end up on his plate. If my husband said he didn't like something, his parents knew and didn't try to serve it to him. I have never been treated with the same amount of respect from the older generations as they treat the men.

I grew up in the southern, somewhat Appalachian US, and I don't know if it's more common there or not. I'd love to hear about other older autistic women's experiences.

While my male peers had sensory issues, I was an overreacting female. While my male peers had social and linguistic difficulties, I was just a weird girl who nobody liked. While my male peers had "Special Interests", I was just strangely obsessed with stuff sometimes. Every aspect of my autistic nature was belittled and minimized so I felt like a stupid woman with little self control.

I'm only self diagnosed, so my own doubts about my experience and knowledge plague me and cause me difficulties. I still have a voice in my own head saying "Maybe you're just being overdramatic.". My own mental voices belittle and diminish me, an inheritance from my childhood I am trying to fight. But every time I read an autistic Tumblr post or blog and think "Oh my gosh, that's me!" It reinforces that my experiences are valid, that this diagnosis creates a framework where in my entire life makes sense. I am not stupid. I am not bad. I am autistic, and that label helps me understand myself and start to love and forgive myself and others.

Autistic Pride starts here, and it's a route to self respect.

I was feeling invalid

Quick warning: the is a *long* post, and the invalidity I felt was actually remedied by writing this, so do not feel obligated to read it all! Sure, when I was younger I chose to be alone a *lot*, but I had friends. I was socially awkward, sure, but what 5 year old is really that great at being social? Yeah, whenever I went somewhere new I would cling to my sister and be completely unable to make new friends, but by the same token, at a *very* young age I figured out an algorithm for making and maintaining friendships: compliments! I think it was when I was 8 that I figured this out, which was fortunate because at around 7 kids were no longer friends with the entire class, and making friends was no longer easy. At 7, I found myself alone at recess nearly every day, hyperfixated on finding 4-leaf clovers (I was finding at least 1 a day at one point), so when I discovered the compliment algorithm I was able to smoothly transition and continue making friends. Of course, I still chose to be alone for a vast majority of recesses. But being asocial doesn't mean I'm autistic. I was an extremely naiive child, kids easily lied to me and I believed them. But being naiive in and of itself doesn't necessarily mean I'm autistic. When I was in kindergarten I was friends with someone. Close friends. In first grade, however, she avoided me like I was the plague. I cried and cried, and even confronted her, and she basically just told me "idk, I guess I just don't really like you." But having a person dislike me doesn't mean I'm autistic. I was always moving as a child, I had attention problems, and I also was diagnosed with both adhd and ocd when I was only 8. I talked too fast and was known to mumble (I say "was" as if I don't still do those things now lol). I also many times forget the word I want to use, and I end up blabbering nonsense trying to figure out how to convey what I want to say. Sometimes I don't forget whole words, I can't translate my thoughts because my thoughts aren't organized like normal thoughts. A majority of the time I am thinking in either pictures or feelings rather than words, and I simply can't say anything related to the topic I want to talk about because in my mind there are literally no words to even begin explaining it. I'm 1000% better at writing than talking. But speech problems don't necessarily mean I'm autistic. I guess I had experience with going partially nonverbal, but I never had a word to describe being physically unable to speak or initiate conversations unless spoken to first. But again, going partially nonverbal sometimes doesn't mean I'm autistic. When I was little my sister was diagnosed with aspergers. She would throw huge tantrums/melt down easily, so a lot of the focus went to her. I never really had any melt downs. In fact, when I was 6, my sister paid me a nickle to not cry in front of her, and it took *years* to be able to cry in her vicinity again. However, I was certainly not immune to crying; I was an empath. If you were crying, chances were I was crying too. Whenever my sister had a meltdown I would feel her pain, and I would hide in my favorite place underneath the same chair. I *had* to cry there. But high empathy doesn't mean I'm autistic - in fact, there's even a stereotype that autistics don't feel empathy at all. When I was 11, I was half forced out of my friend group and half decided for myself to leave it. I had one friend at the time, and she (let's call her "M") was hella popular. I never fit into the friend group. I was invited to fewer and fewer parties as time went on, and no one in the group except for my one friend liked me. Eventually she stopped liking me too, and I was left to fend for myself. But being disliked doesn't mean I'm autistic. I was briefly friends with the girl I was assigned to share a seat with on the bus. We started a whole mini show routine that we would do every day on the bus. It was called the Stupid and Cupid Show. Despite my efforts to get her to change the name, I was stuck being known as "Stupid." I never realized at the time how horrible that name made me feel, but it didn't matter, because eventually she left me as well. As is said in the last paragraph, being disliked doesn't mean I'm autistic. In seventh grade I was looped into a whole strange "family" (which is a story for another time) and suddenly had a *ton* of people considering themselves to be friends with me. It was around then that I realized I was touch averse, because PEOPLE I DIDN'T KNOW KNEW MY NAME AND KEPT HUGGING ME WITHOUT ASKING. Fortunately this didn't last long either, because like all of my frienships, it dissolved pretty quickly. This time, however, everyone blamed me for something I didn't do, and I was left with that entire huge group hating me. I didn't even find out why everyone suddenly hated me until a year later. But useless teen (not even, we were like ~11-12 years old) drama doesn't mean I'm autistic. My entire time in middle school was honestly horrible. My typical algorithm for making friends stopped working, and while I found a temporary replacement (empathizing with people as conversation) it was not nearly as effective. I was never exactly bullied per se, I just got stuck in the same classroom with some really fuckin mean people. I called them all "Tapper Dude." They would bang out off beat tunes on their desks *constantly*. This banging was sensory HELL ( though i didn't know the term "sensory hell" yet). I was going home and often crying because of the stress of being trapped with these people who wouldn't stop (the teachers didn't even try to stop them despite my many, many complaints). I couldn't do anything, couldn't work,couldn't concentrate, and would literally beg my teachers to let me work in the hallway so I could finally have some peace. They literally never let me work in the hallway, despite it being silent (except for that damn banging) individual work. ( I'm honestly still fuckin pissed that my teachers did nothing to help me!) But being hypersensitive to some banging on a desk doesn't mean I'm autistic. Jumping back to never being able to sit still, I still stim today. Not nearly as much then as I do now though. The need to stand rather than sit in my desk at school coulde easily be attributed to my adhd. On top of needed to stand, I was always doodling on my worksheets. Teachers would make me redo the entire sheet if they found my doodles, or they would grab my drawing off of my desk and crumple it up and throw it in the trash. Even as I type this now, my legs are shaking and bouncing and hitting each other. But this could easily be blamed on my having adhd. Having ADHD doesn't mean I have autism. I had weird fixations when I was younger. At 5 it was finding 4-leaf clovers, at 9 it was arranging bookshelves, which after ~6 months evolved into an obsession with reading classics. At only 9 years old, I attempted to read the entirety of Mobey Dick (I didn't get a chance to finish, the school year ended and I had to return the book to the school library 😣). Up until I was 8 I was obsessed with all things medical ( which involved reading the same 3 books over and over and over again). At 17 I became obsessed with slugs /sea slugs ( as I'm sure many of you are aware) along with developing an obsession with autism in and of itself. And ever since I was 5, I've been obsessed with hypnosis, the topic is in my brain basically 24/7, though I try to ignore this obsession because it's nearly impossible to find good media representations of it. I was exposed to porn at a very young age because of my seeking out hypnosis related material, and ever since then I've been wary of seeking it out for fear of finding even more erotic content 😣😣😣. Basically, what I'm saying is, I have had special interests, but I've also seen that something similar (hyperfixations) can be found in, once again, adhd!! So special interests don't necessarily mean I'm autistic. Eye contact. Hello darkness my old friend :)). I honestly have always hated eye contact, but, just like with my social skills, I figured out a loophole at an extremely young age. Foreheads and noses are an autistics best friends, and using these tools, I believe I've effectively fooled everyone I've encountered into think I have good eye contact. Honestly, up until I learned more about autism, I kinda just assumed eye contact was a figure of speech or something that people said better never actually did. But poor eye contact doesn't mean I'm autistic. Figures of speech are weird. I often overthink them to the point of incomprehensibility. I use figures of speech all the time (in fact I believe I used one earlier in this very post), but I've begun to suspect that all of the figures of speech I "understand" are only understood because school spent so much time drilling the meaning into my head. My suspicions arised from the fact that whenever I hear a new figure of speech, I don't understand what it means, even sometimes after it's been explained to me. On top of that, with sarcasm, I can only understand it if it's used by someone I know well. Understanding or not understanding figures of speech don't necessarily mean I'm autistic though. I've always been accident prone. I crash into walls and tables and chairs. I've also fallen both up and down the stairs. My fine motor movements also took much longer to develop as compared to others. Messy scissor cuttings, messy shirt after eating, and messy handwriting. My mom calls my handwriting "chicken scratch", though I personally don't think it's that bad. But poor coordination doesn't mean I'm autistic. When I was little, I only ate like 3 things. Everything else was considered absolutely disgusting. My parents would literally pay me to try certain foods, but it usually ended up being gross or a bad texture. Smells could also be *incredibly* overwhelming. Ketchup especially. I was supposed to clear the table every day, but whenever my parents used ketchup, I would either cry until they let me off the hook or pay my sister to do it for me. Even now, I refuse to even touch a clean ketchup bottle, it's just g r o s. My mom also eats this really gross cranberry chicken salad thing that I can't even be on the same level of the house when she's eating it because it'll literally cause me to cry. I also can't touch the carpet barefoot, and certain textures are *horrid*. Though not formally diagnosed with either autism or sensory processing disorder, I am 100% sure I have sensory processing disorder. My sensory issues are worse than my sister's, and she's actually been diagnosed with autism! From others, I've never really mentioned that I think I'm on the autism spectrum; I don't think they'd believe me. I seem to hold a conversation just fine! ( that is,until we're in a group of more than two people. Then I lose the ability to tell when it's my turn to speak, so I end up remaining silent, half because I don't know when it's my turn and half because I can never get a word in anyway). Sure, the few friends I have (the empathy algorithm stopped working because my friends broke me and I actually lost all empathy, which I'm still trying to recover from. The latest algorithm is bombarding the person with questions when you can't get a conversation going. * something* has to spark a conversation, right!? W r o n g. This is why I'm down to 3 or 4 friends.) all agree I'm incredibly socially awkward. And sure, I fill any silence with stimming, usually involving grabbing things I'm not supposed to touch or poking the person I'm with (idk man, my brain goes into panic mode and it just keeps repeating "poke them" until I appease it). In fact, just yesterday I hung out with a friend, and we had a casual good time. It's times like these that *really* make me question whether or not I'm autistic. Though it may sound like it, I'm not saying it's impossible for an autistic to have friends - in fact, in the short year that I've had this blog, I've managed to befriend quite a few of you wonderful people! I guess I'm just saying that while autistics can have friends and still be valid, *I* can't. Of course, having no friends doesn't mean I'm autistic ( much in the same way having friends doesn't mean I'm *not* autistic ). Overall, I'm worried my social awkwardness / social deficits, though they do exist, aren't enough to actually consider myself autistic. I am confident that I have ADHD and SPD, but what if those two are just combining to closely mimic autism? My blog has gotten fairly popular, and I'm really feeling invalid tonight, so I figured I'd outline the main symptoms and let you guys determine if you're okay with me running an autism blog and using the tags. I still think I have autism, and I shouldn't need to get validation from strangers on the internet, but I felt like it was important to outline this.