bpdumb
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bpd vent space - just trying to copeadult tw for dark themes
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im just so sick of explaining the same exact trauma to the exact same person and seeing no fucking result
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i just wish that every time i bring something up it didn't automatically come across as trying to start a fight or make someone feel like shit. no matter how hard i try i can't ever be as soft as i want to be
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i think the worst part about this bpd shit is that no matter what happens i am genuinely never going to heal properly like im always going to freak out over the tiniest shit & just crumble like it's so fucking exhausting
#my boyfriend is never going to understand that when i make a suggestion & he snaps at me bc he's tired im going to shut the fuck down#& it happens every time too like he just doesnt seem to get it at all#or he will eventually calm down & be sorry but it's like the damage is fucking done man & it hurts like#i know that it's an overreaction but that's the whole point. i can't help it & i need him to be more fucking vidulent with his words/action#the worst part is that i end up splitting & getting angry & shutting down bc i can fucking deal with it#he's also autistic so he can't help his frustrations & i keep trying to tell myself it's not about me but like#goddamn !!! im terrible at that !!! im fucking mentally ill & he is triggering me like crazy over & over again it's so exhausting & painful#& then i feel guilty like im not being understanding enough of his autism bc he genuinely cant help it either but like where is that for me#sometimes it just feels like he's not considerate of me until it's too fucking late & im already upset#like why do i have to get hurt or mad before he's finally like okay damn my bad#im just so frustrated & hurt and i feel like its never going to get any better#i just always have to lick my wounds in silence because i can never make people understand my pain or let them see how truly fucked up i am#bc god knows they cannot handle it clearly#text
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i can feel myself shutting down worse than ever before & all i can do is watch it happen
#i have no drive & no desire to stop it either#i think im a new level of dead inside wherein i completely disassociate & turn into a shell#*of who i used to be#text
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my boyfriend just unlocked a new fear in me which is that when im complaining or venting to someone about all the things that im thinking they will end up frustrated at me for the same reasons im frustrated with myself lol
#he was literally like 'i just want you to make a decision' like literally me too dude .. me too#i think i just realized that the reason i'm so good at listening is bc i've actually never felt like i could really vent to people w/o#having to explain myself a million times & that's why im always so easy to talk to bc i know how it feels to be interrupted & for someone#to get mad at you when you're just trying to talk about something#just woke up & this day is shot to hell tbh#text
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i would give anything to not be such a fuck up
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Quiet bpd culture is getting so fucking angry and crying out of pure rage alone in your room because you simply can't explode and direct your anger to anyone
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the borderline rage urge to reach out to people on your past who did you wrong
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shoutouts to the borderlines who were never taught how to love or how to be loved. shoutouts to the ones who cower away from affection because it's foreign and strange to them; shoutouts to the ones who struggle to put their feelings into words, who have a million things to say but stare blankly instead.
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Why does nobody talk about how embarassing and shameful it is to have bpd?
I'm so fucking ashamed of my thoughts and deeply disturbed by them, that I can't talk with anyone about it.
"Hahah i can't imagine you being angry"
Yeah you all won't, because I'm regulating myself so damn hard on a daily basis so no one gets to see this side of me. "No i really would like to see you angry" - like... no. Do you not understand what a fucking monster fueled by rage there is inside of me?
Man do people not understand that this whole disorder is caused by trauma and if I'm getting angry I try to defend myself and am willing to destroy you, because my life feels threatened?!
If I ever split on you, and you feel lost and hurt, remember that that's like 10% of the hate I have for you inside of me. Don't make me show you the other 90%.
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