I successfully just busted 30 mins lying in the floor scrolling!

I am having some real trouble at the moment. I can’t relax. I know that I desperately need to stop and rest, my body is aching now.

But I can’t do it. I’ve stolen so many spoons and I need to keep stealing them!

I feel like I have to be doing something everyday. All day.

I have my short rests after each activity, but I need my long rest too!

I don’t know if I’m scared my nice clean home will end up like my ex’s flat if I don’t clean and tidy every day.

Or if I’m still on edge waiting for the next incident to happen so I’m making it happen myself because the uncertainty is worse.

Or maybe this is what they meant when they said “when you’re finally safe, first you get worse before you feel better”.

I’m in uncharted waters here and I know I’m making myself suffer, but whenever I stop moving I start thinking about the next thing to do! And it’s not like I don’t enjoy doing what I’m doing, I’m loving every second of keeping my own home clean and making it tidy.

It’s just that I can see the big wave coming to crash me into the shore and I’m just standing there building my sandcastles anyway!

I am having some real trouble at the moment. I can’t relax. I know that I desperately need to stop and rest, my body is aching now.

But I can’t do it. I’ve stolen so many spoons and I need to keep stealing them!

I feel like I have to be doing something everyday. All day.

I have my short rests after each activity, but I need my long rest too!

I don’t know if I’m scared my nice clean home will end up like my ex’s flat if I don’t clean and tidy every day.

Or if I’m still on edge waiting for the next incident to happen so I’m making it happen myself because the uncertainty is worse.

Or maybe this is what they meant when they said “when you’re finally safe, first you get worse before you feel better”.

I’m in uncharted waters here and I know I’m making myself suffer, but whenever I stop moving I start thinking about the next thing to do! And it’s not like I don’t enjoy doing what I’m doing, I’m loving every second of keeping my own home clean and making it tidy.

It’s just that I can see the big wave coming to crash me into the shore and I’m just standing there building my sandcastles anyway!

Also called a really bad day lol

Saw these two cuties and quickly walked back out to get my phone and just stuck my camera around the doorframe so I wouldn’t disturb the cuteness.

Well, then I decided to zoom in…

😳

😭😂

So I ordered some brown mascara for drawing facial hair and a contour stick for enhancing masculine features and I just realised Pride Month is upon us so I guess I better get that binder we’ve been putting off and just go all the way this time!

I am once again asking for more spoons

I just spent 35 minutes on hold to PIP for it to suddenly start beeping and cut me off. How am I supposed to check they got my letter with my change of address when I haven’t heard anything back from them??

Whenever my ex makes me feel guilty, whenever he calls me extremely cruel for “tricking him into letting me take his cats”

I’m going to look at these photos and know that they haven’t slept like this in a very long time while under his ‘care’!

I did the right thing by the three of us. None of us have to be on edge anymore, none of us are waiting for the next bang or shout.

Waking up next to these two together again has been all the confirmation I needed today!

One of the best ways to improve your own confidence in public is to compliment a stranger especially when you’re walking in opposite directions because then you can just throw out a “your dress is so nice!” And you’ve both already begun walking away before they can shoot their thanks back, but you know you just made someone’s day better. You can look back from a distance and watch them walk a little taller like; you just did that. If you can make someone else stand taller; you can stand a little taller yourself!

I’ve never seen my life make so much sense before!

There’s no such thing as work-life balance for neurodivergent & chronically ill people.

This is because everything in my life requires work:

maintaining friendships

keeping up with my hygiene

managing bills

making money

remembering my basic needs

sleeping regularly

outputting creatively

All requires some aspect of work for me.

And when everything in your life requires work, your balance goes out the window.

If you're neurodivergent and overwhelmed — I see you.

If you're chronically ill and overwhelmed — I see you.

You're not dysfunctional.

You're not incapable.

You're doing your best.

Feeling a seizure creep up is honestly like my brain is sitting at the table waiting for dinner to be served banging it’s knife and fork going “seizure! Seizure! Seizure!”

Me at 16: god I hate that person I used to be, that’s so not me. I hope I never have to deal with that part of myself ever again, she’s so weak.

Me at 26: oh god she’s back. Wait she wasn’t really me? What do you mean she’s mad at me? Oh no what have I done??

me a few years ago: why do i feel like i just came into existence when i was 12 or 13? why do i not really remember my childhood very well? why do i have such a horrible memory in general? why do my identity and behaviors vary so drastically?

me now: oh

I was really worried about moving into a new place with carpets because the cats haven’t been on carpet since they were kittens having accidents. And they’ve had one accident each which is a lot less than I was expecting and now we’re all more settled here I get to enjoy the pit-pat sound as they walk around my room at night 😌

I like this diagram a lot!

Because of dissociation and trauma, I've struggled a lot to identify what I'm feeling, both emotionally and physically. Lists like this can be really helpful. I've found lots of lists with emotion words before but not as much when it comes to body sensations. Wanted to share it.

Here's a grounding exercise for anyone reading this: try going through the list and pick out which words fit what you're feeling in this moment.

______________

[Image Description: A free resource from Carolyn Spring. It shows the figure of a person surrounded by a list of words. Here is what it says:

Body Sensation Words

Achy, Airy, Bloated, Blocked, Boiling, Breathless, Bruised, Bubbly, Burning, Bursting, Butterflies, Buzzy, Calm, Clenched, Closed, Cloudy, Cold, Comfortable, Congested, Constricted, Contracted, Cool, Dark, Dehydrated, Disconnected, Dizzy, Drained, Dry-mouthed, Dull, Empty, Energetic, Energised, Exhausted, Expanded, Expansive, Faint, Flexible, Floating, Floaty, Floppy, Fluid, Fluttery, Frozen, Full, Giddy, Grounded, Headachey, Heavy, Hollow, Hot, Hungry, Hurting, Icy, Itchy, Jabbing, Jittery, Jumpy, Knotted, Light, Lightheaded, Limp, Nauseous, Nervy, Numb, Open, Parched, Pounding, Pressure, Prickly, Pulsing, Queasy, Quivering, Radiating, Ravenous, Raw, Relaxed, Released, Rigid, Saggy, Satiated, Satisfied, Sensitive, Shaky, Shivery, Short, Short of breath, Shuddering, Sick, Sore, Spacey, Spacious, Spongy, Squashed, Squirmy, Stabbing, Stinging, Stretchy, Stuffed, Suffocated, Sweaty, Tall, Tout, Tearful, Teary, Tense, Thick-headed, Throbbing, Tickly, Tight, Tingling, Tingly, Tired, Trembly, Twitchy, Uncomfortable, Vibrating, Warm, Wet, Wobbly, Woozy

End ID.]

This is so real! I’m so glad somebody else gets it!

One of the funnier things about having FND is that I can tell when I’m about to have a pseudo seizure and I usually have time to prepare. So I go find my knee braces and grab a pillow and put on some chapstick and then get on the floor to writhe around like a fish out of water. Just, hmmm I should run to the bathroom first, where’s my water, should I listen to a podcast. Ok now I can’t get up for half an hour.

I had a good, relatable post to write, but then my cat distracted me and now it’s gone. So you get whatever this is instead.

“Relationships take work”

Some things “relationships take work” should mean:

It takes work to learn to identify, effectively communicate, and mesh your needs/wants with those of another person

It takes work to actively listen and learn the other person’s communication styles as well as their needs and wants.

It takes work to maintain a relationship by planning activities together and investing in time spent together

Some things “relationships take work” should never mean:

Relationships take an exhausting cycle of constantly fighting and making up

Relationships require you to compromise your core values or change core aspects of who you are

Relationships take conforming to the other person’s expectations even when you don’t want to

Relationships take constantly proving to the other person that you deserve respect and/or love

Relationships require you to try to make yourself feel and want things you don’t actually feel or want - or at least pretend you do

Simple truisms like “relationships take work” can be misused in harmful ways.

Relationships do take work, but that work is supposed to be a team effort to support and care for each other while still honouring your own needs and desires.

If your relationship isn’t a healthy partnership, don’t feel like you have to stick it out just because “relationships take work.”

You are not obligated to stay in any relationship you do not want.