latino will solace nation

I'd love to know more about your process! I really appreciate the sketches you share it's nice to see where stuff comes from before inked :D

aw thank you so much!! I like the organic feel that sketches have, seeing other artists post theirs sketches and wips is really enjoyable too!

process under the cut! I'm gonna break down a few things I did with the tokomaru piece:

From sketching to inking stage, I correct a crazy amount of things in the sketch that takes away from its immersion (as best as I can), stuff like hands grips is always the hardest. Inks can come out very different from the sketch sometimes as a result! Crazy how art works sometimes

Then I make a layer for flat colours. Depending on my laziness level of the day, I either keep the flat colour layer to just one, or separate them so that I can go back and tweak the colours for each separated part (I use the RGB sliders a lot to adjust a colour to something that looks better to me, cause I can sort feel out if a colour needs more or less red/blue/green in it? Hard to explain unless you've also tried it). In the flat colouring stage, I add stuff like hair highlights and blushes if I want to! It ends up looking like this:

Then, also depending on my laziness level for the day, I either manually colour in shadows/highlights for each separated colour like in here, or I add a layer on multiply to add in hard shadows first.

Then, locking transparency on the shadow layer, I soften the multiply layer with the airbrush tool with white in core shadow areas or to sorta 'fade out' some cast shadows. The white just ensures I get to go back and correct the softening if I wanna readjust the soft shadow.

I also add vibrance near the lit areas with a more saturated colour than what I use for the multiply layer's base (usually a sorta-orange), and also add in ambient light (usually with a sorta-light blue).

Add on an overlay layer with a bright orange/yellow/pink on top, and (depending on whether you think it looks right) some blues to emphasize the ambient lighting, and bam, you got yourself some nice glowy wlw kisses!

bg optional, but I did this last minute with a regular circle brush and lasso tool, adjusting until it looks good enough. Gradients are cool and really help! You can think about stuff like the composition too I guess, and I know I wanted some sweeping, almost circular motion in here to compliment and frame what their poses already had. Plenty other people explain it better though lmao im just out here for a good low effort time

and bam! shippy art that feeds my soul :D a lot of this is just trial and error and hyperfiating on little details that make me happy while drawing and colouring

meet me halfway (across the globe). suna rintarou

SUNA RINTAROU X GN! READER

GENRE: slice of life; facetime call; fluff

WORD COUNT: 1.4k+

WARNINGS: established relationship; mentions of stress

in which suna is somewhere far away…

[10:22] rin: “you up?”

[10:23] rin: “big game tomorrow morning.”

[10:23] rin: “cant’ sleep. need to see u.”

the phone buzzing on the bedside table startles you out of your morning somnolence. the empty spot in bed next to you feels a weird type of unfamiliar. you drowsily stretch your arms out, reaching for the ringing device while dragging out a loud yawn.

you are taken aback by surprise once you take a look at the numbers displayed on your phones lock screen: 10:25am. its already past midnight in his timezone. he shouldn’t be up this late.

swiping through your phone's screen, you waste no time in dialling his number once you come across the green facetime icon and luckily, it is only a brief moment until he is picking up and oh boy are you met with a sight to behold. if it werent for your concern, you could’ve just stayed there, marvelling in awe at your boyfriend, sitting shirtless against the headboard in all his glory. his pale skin is gleaming a beautiful shade of orange under the dim light of the table lamp thus reminiscing a statue made of gold; his tousled, black feathery hair sticking in all different directions yet with just a few loose strands cascading down the sides of his temple and framing his face in such way that made him look effortlessly handsome.

he looked as beautiful as ever. however, despite the apparent picture perfect scenario, you would be a fool not to notice the clear signs of restlessness showcased on his features nonetheless.

“sorry, did i wake you?” suna apologizes tenderly with a doting frown on his face once he notices your lids still heavy with vestiges of somnolence just barely peeking from the bottom of the screen. your phone is propped up on your chest, the lower half of your face hidden away from him as you refuse to get up from your comfortable position laying under the warm blankets.

“dont worry about it, baby.” you hurriedly push his apologies aside whilst rubbing the sleep off your eyes to try and not make him feel too bad about it “you know you can call me anytime. im always waiting for you on the other end whenever you need me”

he offers you a subtle smile, although its odd — its weak, not sincere. it is not the usual signature smirk with a teasing remark on the side you earn whenever you say something cheesy. it is also hard to miss the darkening spots growing under his tired eyes, his usual sparkly green orbs now nearing dull, heavy with underlying frustration. it made it all crystal clear.

rintarou is not an outwardly emotional person and definitely not one to voice his concerns. his pleas for help were often left unspoken and it takes a sharp eye to see through his unwavering surface. for the most part, the blank expression he's seen wearing most of the time did a pretty good job at shielding his feelings yet his eyes often betrayed him.

he had taken off a couple days ago to somewhere foreign for an important match. you know how sometimes, before a decisive match takes place, he lets pressure get to that pretty head of his and relies on you to keep him grounded and soothe his racing mind. for the longest time, he had been capable of keeping his emotions at bay and deal with his troubles on his own but ever since you came around, rintarou found himself growing selfish and craving your comfort, finding solace in your reassuring words and warm embrace.

you miss the old days when your lover was just at an arm's length and all it took was for him to say the word for you to drop everything and come running to his house, to hold him in your arms and make it all feel better. you remember people in highschool claiming suna was bound to fade into the background given his lazy tendencies and lack of enthusiasm. (what a waste of potential, they would say) suna would shrug. he never payed any mind to it — you praised him on his unshakable nature. it should be a major ego boost for rintarou to know that, not that many years later and against the spiteful tongues of some of your classmates, he made a name for himself as a first division professional volleyball player, thus proving them wrong.

however, he still has quite a few demons to tame inside his head. one of which was self-doubt.

you let your eyes roam his tired features for a moment. “you need to get out of your head, rin”

suna knew you could read him like an open book. you made him feel vulnerable under your scrutinizing gaze. he felt exposed. to have you stare directly into his naked soul was intimidating, more so than to have you stare at his nude body, like you have done dozens of times before. but just like you did with his body, you had taken your time to get to know every corner of his soul. you knew him like the palm of your hand — both mind and body.

“i know.” he tears his gaze away from yours, looking down while running a hand through his disheveled hair and down to scratch his neck in frustration. “tell me how have your days been?”

the silence of his hotel room was eating him whole and he needed you to distract him. most of the time, suna was fond of the silence. after a rough day he found comfort in laying down in his bed and basking in the quiet. he found peace in it. sometimes it was in the quietness of his own little world that he found the solution to his problems. but upon your arrival to that mysterious world of his, your voice soon became his favorite sound. he craved you to fill in the silence that he once treasured.

and so he listens. suna listens as you talk throughout the night (who would’ve guessed you had just woken up), rambling on about your days as other trivial things — namely how you could never get used to starting the day without his morning cuddles. he found it endearing how you seemed to speak enough for the two of you. he was a man of few words so he was lucky to have found someone to fill in the silence for him. and so he listens until his eyes start progressively feeling heavy, your voice lulling him to sleep.

“hey, baby” he calls in a barely audible raspy voice. suna lays down on his side under the cold unwelcoming bed sheets, holding his phone next to his face on the pillow “put your pretty face on the phone”

a soft smile crawls its way up to your flushed face at his sugar coated words, his voice although drowsy sounding sweeter than saccharin. you were so lost in the lovely image of him that you failed to notice that your face was barely on the frame, just your eyes peeking shyly from the bottom of the screen.

you shuffle in bed, turning on your side to mirror his position. its almost as if you’re not a hundred miles apart and he's lying right next to you, if you squint hard enough.

“there you are” he mumbles weakly under his breath, a loving smile on his pillowy rosy lips that you miss dearly.

his eyes appear weary through the screen yet he never fails to look at you with the utmost love. dumbfounded, you wordlessly stare at each other as you fall into a comfortable silence that is however, filled with a hundred unspoken words.

his love is quiet, hesitant at times but never shallow. he felt deeply and feared he wasn't the best to put it into words so sometimes, his love, it hides beyond lingering stares and shy touches. it remained unuttered most of the time but words are futile when he has shown his devotion to you countless times before.

“hey rin. you think you can go to sleep, now?” you notice him fighting the urge to let his eyes close shut, battling to stay awake for a little longer to try and memorize your face for later so he can dream of you tonight.

he simply nods with his eyes shut, too sleepy to pronounce a single word.

“call me tomorrow after the game, alright?” he nods yet again, noticeably starting to drift away at last but not before muttering a quiet i love you before the last hint of consciousness leaves his body, eliciting a tender smile from you.

“i love you, rin. ill meet you in your dreams tonight.”

[a/n]: so! writing this fic made me realize that im undeniably in love with suna and he now owns a 51% share of my heart. (oikawa. ill never forget you. its not you its me (suna) maybe its time i move on. 🤒 jk jk ill have both pls and ty 🥰)

anyways ye i guess im back from my mini hiatus (as a full suna whore) :))

this is honestly a word dump, initially this was supposed to be like... what.. 500 words long? i just thought of the prompt “put your pretty face on the phone” and the rest is just me pouring my love for him into words ah-ha. (you probably noticed how it is unnecessarily cheesy 🙄)

just for the record!! i havent finished season 4 just yet 🐸 lmao. i took inspiration off of nooras (@/inarzki) characterization of suna because she was the one who made me fall in love with him in the first place.

psst share your outer banks coloring secrets

ah, yes, one of the worst shows to color lmaoooo. i'll try to give some tips but im sure as anyone who has tried to color this show knows each scene is diff and has it's own flavor of awful yellow/green/red shading.

some tips on how to go from this to this......

............under the cut! (warning v long and idk if i'm the best at explaining things lmao)

so firstly, i use this psd i made ages ago for everything (alecbaenes was my url many moons ago i just am too lazy to change and reupload). usually i will go into each individual layer of that psd and see how they work with the scene, and will change the opacity or turn off the layer depending on what looks best. generally for obx, i will lower the opacity on the gradient map layer, as well as certain vibrancy/curves/levels layers, ones that make the gif brighter and more vibrant. i will usually bring back some vibrancy and brightness later but when im first getting the base coloring, some layers just heighten the yellow/red and we need to kinda bring that down before we make adjustments to get aspects like skin color more accurate.

so, just with my psd/adjustments made to the psd layers, the gif may looks something like this: (going to use this gif bc i made it more recently so i remember some of the stuff i did better, and is the most accurate to my current process--plus it sucks to color lmao)

ususally still way to red/yellow for my liking, both for the skin tones and to be able to manipulate the colors for a vibrant coloring! so the next step is to get colors as close to how they are normally. warning, you will have to make 345435354 adjustment layers and just keep tweaking and tweaking... and tweaking. sometimes i will have like 20+ adjustment layers at the end of the process. i usually put all my adjustments under my psd--i also always add a vibrance and brightness layer above. sometimes it helps to do final tweaks above the psd if you just cant get anything right bc of course the psd will change how colors normally look.

anyways, usually my base fixes will be some sort of combination of curves, levels, color balance, and selective color. so like, if the gif needs more depth/darkness, or is way too bright, i will bring the curve down or up respectively. levels, and also increasing the black selective color layer will also add depth. i will also use auto curve sometimes! the first image i have below i circled some of the extra tools i may use--auto for auto curves, the top black eyedropper you select the darker points in your gif and it will adjust based on that, the bottom one for the lightest--if i use those i will either use the black one only, or the black and then the white. the other three are examples of how my curve layers may look--i already have S curves in my psd, so when i do extra curve adjustments, it's just one single point, and i don't move it that much. same with levels, i dont make a super dramatic change, when it's under the psd it's enough to just move a bit to make a big difference. sometimes i'll also bring these layers to a lower opacity.

generally my first step is color balance though, especially if the gif seems mostly fine lighting wise. for obx, i usually shift it towards cyan and blue to cancel out the red tones. magenta and green depends, if its more green i may move towards magenta and vice versa, but usually i dont shift it that dramatically and often leave it alone. i will usually move the bottom bar towards blue, to soften the yellow tones. color balance helps shift the overall colors of the gif. notice that it's on mid tones in these pictures:

as you can see, i shift the cyan/red one more dramatically than the yellow/blue, and with magenta and green i usually just move it 1-3 points over. in the last one, i actually shifted towards red above my psd layer, because after all my adjustments i lost some of the red/warmth, so i brought back in red.

with color balance/curves, the gif may looks something like this

less of a completely red/yellow filter over everything! but still not great, their skin is too red, and overall still not the best base to try colorings. so next up is selective color, which can really help you fine tune things, but because of that.... SUUUUPER tedious. i will have 3495874 selective color layers and sometimes like 5 of them will be half canceling each other out just to get something okay. but this is a hobby i've chosen so we must suffer LKRGJRG. generally, my realm revolves around red, yellow, and at times magenta or neutral. if you think back to how we fixed some of the colors with color balance, kind of a similar principle, just with the individual colors. and lots of experimenting. so with color balance i would cancel out reds by making them more cyan--on the red selective color, im also gonna turn up the cyan. for yellow, i'm gonna make it more magenta, to make the yellow tones warmer. i will tweak the other tones too, just kinda experiment to see how changing it affects the gif, and then soon you will kind of intuitively know how to change the values based on whats going on in the gif lighting. magenta selective color helps for red values that are more pink, so make them more red or yellow based on what you need--i don't use this as much, hence i didnt have an example in the crop of psds i opened, but it's helpful sometimes. with neutral selective color, it usually affects the whole gif, so again, only minimal changes--usually i will bring the black levels down if it got to bright, or add just a tinge or yellow or cyan or whatever i need. here's some pics to show examples of what mine looked like for this gif:

there were many more, but i just chose a few. the '1' and '2' i wrote to demonstrate that these layers were sequential, how they balance each other, and how selective color can be a tedious balancing act-- the second example it's like basically the opposite but it balances it out. also, if you have two characters with different skin tones, or the lighting is different for them, etc, you can use layer masks to erase certain adjustments so it only affects one of the subjects. some of these tweaks will be inbetween me transforming the gif to be colorful, and noticing how the colors interact, etc. so between this i was also making it colorful and it's not exactly the finished product at this stage: but this is kind of what the gif would look like after all the adjustments just to get it looking... normalish:

not totally perfect but MUCH better, and also will look a little different when surrounded by the colors i want to turn it into. i have some stuff about how i color in this tag, i can do a lil other tutorial or smth if needed but bc i have limited photo space on the ask and already wrote so much i wont get super into it here. but for shows like obx, it helps to work with a group of colors that will work with the show--yellows/oranges are easier bc of all the yellow already found in the show. pinks can be harder because there is so much yellow in the show, but doable. greens are good because of all the green in the show, and thus blues are good because its easy to go from green to blue with selective color and stuff. thus, purples are good too because its easy to go from blue to purple! stuff like that makes it easier. some work with selective color, hue and saturation, gradients, and voila!

you can see how maybe some of the issues like it being still a little too yellow/greeny toned balances out with the surrounding colors.

also, a big part of it is just practice! i've been giffing for yeaaaaaars and with media that has just the most god awful lighting so i've gotten good at understanding what to do and sometimes i'm just on auto pilot.

hopefully that helped, i know it was long winded and it can be hard to explain/understand photoshop. if y'all want some more in depth explanation about a part of the process i can try, or with other examples!

1, 23, 26, 31, 39, 83!!! :3

awe yeh ok

1~ when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk?

more cereal than milk! it would get too soggy if i had too much milk e e k

23~ whats your favorite thing to do when you have lazy days where you have zero obligations?

either paint, write, or organize! 

26~ what are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit?

this old white pair of tenny shoes! they are cute n cozy! that and they rly make my legs look good its wonders what those shoes can do for looks

31~ what is your opinion on socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white-sock-hell? really, just talk about socks.

i cannot TELL u how many pairs of funky socks i have. currently my favorite pair i own is a pair thats green and grey with on-fire dumpsters scattered on them. then i have some really cool teal ones with orange and yellow octopuses on them. the only time you’ll see me wearing white socks is if im going to a professional occasion! otherwise, always the cool funky socks. and i do not sleep with socks BUT, they stay on at all times besides that. 

39~ what color do you wear the most?

grey recently cause i havent been going out in public. the most ive gone out for is for essentials and art supplies! otherwise, probably yellow! 

83~ whats some of your favorite album art? 

i have two favorites actually! both albums are by the midnight! i really like the art for both Endless Summer and Kids! :) 

tyty for the ask! 

for anyone else who wants to send an ask, you can find the questions here! 

matron reviews: wlw emojis

very cute gals. they look like baby lesbians going on their first real date and im so here for it! also love the cute little pigtails on the red girl! she wanted to look extra nice for blue girl. i love and support these two babs. 

8/10 i like how optimistic they feel

they have a secret about someone around them. it’s 100% life ruining. they say they’re considering telling but they more than likely won’t spill even if you beg. two devious girls looking to cause trouble. 

5/10 cuz outfits are boring.

just...awful. microsoft’s black border is just SO harsh on the eyes. also wtf where are their necks/??? the only thing going for them are the dresses and even then they’re not that great. 

1/10 because of an overall shoddy design

they’re sorta cute. but those red shoes paired with the pink dress is just so irksome to me. like they really couldn’t have given her a different color?? they could have made her red shoes purple and then she would have matched her girlfriend! but sadly no. 

3/10 cuz are they even holding hands or???

a little too small for my tastes but besides that they’re so cute!! love the dresses! i get a very ‘business gfs’ vibe from this one. just wish i could see them better is all. 

8/10 for two professional ladies!

what the hell is up with their faces twitter!? why such beady little eyes? are their mouths open or is that red lipstick?? WHY DO THEY HAVE CAT NOSES?? only redeeming quality is the cute dresses and slightly diff hairstyles. 

3/10 ugh

the dynamic angle makes me feel like im looking up at a pair of super tall lesbians. that’s not necessarily a bad thing tho. but they don’t look totally benevolent. also their faces look blank and soulless. what are they thinking? i’m not sure i or anyone else is ready to know. 

2/10 no

it’s...just the exact same emoji with the body mirrored so it looks like there’s hand holding happening. lazy. also they look kinda creepy. like if i was walking alone somewhere and saw them out of the corner of my eye i’d more than likely have a Fight or Flight reaction. 

0/10 somehow bland and unsettling simultaneously

aww they’re p cute! love the diff hairstyles and outfits! and their little boots are cute too! but i can’t tell if the orange strip on the red one’s waist is an orange belt over her red dress or her tummy showing from a red shirt and red skirt. sorta weeby design but not awful. 

7/10 for a cute design 

oh my gosh i love this one! my total fave so far!!! two very distinct designs and outfits i love! and they’re not the same height which is cool! wish they had necks tho but i’m willing to look past that for this one! 

10/10 a v cute couple! <3

they’re eerie as hell like there’s Nothing behind their eyes. these two are in the employ of The Desolate One. do not trust these two lesbians. do not follow these two lesbians. no matter what kind of sweet words they spin for you. nothing kind waits for you should you not heed my warning. cute dresses tho. 

4/10 don’t trust them

what in the GODDAMN is THIS!? these look like super cheap knockoffs of already cheap background characters from Jazz Funk. terrible design. their bodies look like vomit green megaphones. horrible. 

0/10 bed design.

aww! i like these too! very good! love how they both clearly have their own sense of style. they look like a pair of trustworthy lesbians. i’d definitely trust them to water my plants and feed my cat if i had to go out of town! only drawback is that they’re very small and i’d like to see them better! 

9/10 very cute gals!

I think I got tagged in this by multiple people and I’m sorry it took me so long to do it. I s2g I love getting tagged in these damn things I just always saw them at work and then forgot when I got home. For this one I was tagged by @ceccilpalmer and @mxpenguin... possibly someone else?? Sorry I’m awful. Rules: Answer these questions then tag 10 blogs you’d like to know better.

Nickname:  Eehhhhh none that you guys need to know :-)

Zodiac: aries

Height: leave me alone

Time: 5 pm.

Favorite Band/Artist: Fall Out Boy I guess but I’m pretty shit at liking music. Mostly I just hear songs and like them and then never go back and listen to other things by the artist.

Song stuck in my head: Me & You (I’m like a lawyer with the way I’m always trying to get you off.)

Last movie I saw: uuuHHHHHh fuck I really don’t know. In theaters was Love, Simon. I think that might also be the last movie I saw. I don’t watch many movies.

Last thing I googled: I don’t know because chrome is stupid but probably how to spell something.

Other blogs: I have my old blog which I have abandoned and then a SUPER old one, also abandoned, but nothing active. The rest are all gone.

Do I get asks: Not that often from strangers, a few from mutuals and that’s cool and sort of preferred khsdk.

Why I chose this username: I liked 2 things when I made this blog 1. Oswald Cobblepot 2. Putting y’s in things to make them sound cuter.

Average amount of sleep: sometimes 2 sometimes 15 there really isn’t an average.

Lucky number: 17

What I’m wearing: pants and a t-shirt. which isn’t normal i almost never wear pants in the summer because HOT but all my shorts were dirty.

Dream job: writing a book. having a book written. that supporting me completely. Or a screenwriter for a tv show or video game. Pretty much any kind of fiction-writing would be beautiful. 

Dream trip: Any place cut off from society with a lake and a boat preferably no moose. electricity and wifi preferred but optional. running water even in its most primitive forms required.

Favorite food: ugh i don’t know i stopped eating a lot of stuff recently and now the thought of the stuff i used to like (like before this answer was always french fries w/ ketchup and pizza and chicken wings) kind of makes me want to throw up when i think about. chipotle i still like chipotle.

Play any instruments: none i can play like 4 songs on a piano but i don’t know how it works or how to read sheet music i just know where the keys are

Eye color: green greyish or something maybe brownish.

Hair color: red/orange except at the roots bc i need to fxcking dye it again.

Languages you speak: english im lazy, privileged, and complacent

Most iconic song: fuck i don’t know i really like Mammia Mia (the song exclusively)

Random Fact: I have to go to work in an hour and that’s all I can think about so that’s your fact UGH tagging people I’m tagging @crystallisedrain @samhound @144bees @heburnedthebrightest @annevbonny  and like any other mutuals especially who wanna do this and say I tagged them I’m too lazy to find all of you im sorry

Schadenfreude

laptop-tippy submitted:

*fanfare* The thing you’ve been waiting for! It’s big! It’s mean! It’s a fic that should never have been done and it’s a nightmare of epic proportions!

Seriously though this is 2347 words and I think it got worse as it went along but here it is. I’m gonna be lazy for the rest of the day now - Tippy

ZANGO’S NOTE: OK This fic gets very dark in the second half, but it’s too well written to not post it. So here’s a warning for you all who want to read this: this shit gets dark and will hurt you.

A gentle breeze rustled through the trees, disturbing the calm peace of the forest for the briefest moment. The stars twinkled harmlessly above, the moon’s silver glow a halo on the tree tops and glittering across the water. An owl’s call echoed in the vastness of the branches.

Yet he moon’s tender light was drowned out by the bonfire’s furious roar, orange light dancing across the shadowy tree line and throwing jagged shadows across their bark. Crack after crack, another tree fell victim to the blade of an ax and toppled to the forest floor, wickedly sharp blades chopping off limbs and tossed them into the ever growing blaze. Hideous, mad cackles howled in the night, their eyes glowing and fur haloed in the fire’s light as they circled their hand made clearing. All that was left was a pair of trees stripped of their branches.

The sound of clanging steel brought another wave of laughter among the horde, the mice toppling over one another in their twisted mirth at their personal entertainment. Chains wrapped around the barren trunks dug into the bark, jingling like bells on a string. A mighty yank pulled the links taut, but was fruitless aside from shaking the once imposing pines. The dull, rusted grey of steel clashed against the bright reds and greens of the wrist they wrapped around, scuffing the once pristine design. Wide, panicked honey brown eyes leered dangerously at dirty paws and sharpened steel that wandered too close, jerking against the binds that held his arms outstretched.

Dirty, knotted and leaf filled red hair fell out of the bun she had tied it back into and into her eyes as she writhed in the mouse’s grip. His grimy paws were firm around her upper arms as she hissed and kicked,“Let me go! Let me go!” The filthy rodent merely laughed down his snout at her pathetic strength and held her still, nails cutting into her skin.

Her brown eyes snapped a furious leer towards one of the mice as his grabby paws wandered too close to the frightened soldier and she jerked in the mouse’s grip,“Don’t you dare touch him!” Her angry yelling raised even more cackling from the swarm, their glowing eyes switching between their captive audience and chained jester.

One of them, a mouse so large he was better defined as a rat, leaned in close to her face, baring his crooked and yellowing teeth in a twisted grin,“Aw, how cute.” A massive paw cups her chin, raising her eyes to his,“The lass thinks she’s brave!” The horde giggled in wicked delight as she struggled against him; the rat, keeping his paw under her chin, turned his attention towards the swarm,“Why, I think she’s gonna take us on! All by herself!” The mice positively howled in a cacophony of mockery, their eyes glowing with amusement as her face burned.

She yanked harder against his grip, yet he clenched his filthy hand around her face, fingers digging into her cheeks,“It’d be such a shame, though, to see such a pretty lass,” The rat dragged his nails down her face, and as thin red lines trailed down her cheeks his sneer stretched wider, eyes blazing in the golden light,“Have what makes her so pretty be mangled beyond recognition, wouldn’t it boys?” The mice around them snickered and cackled as she cringed, tears in her eyes.

Their wild cacophony fell silent as steel clanged and wood groaned, wooden shoes stepping heavily in their direction,“Don’t touch her!”

The grin on the rat’s face fell and the wild light in his eyes dulled as he leaned away from her. Boredly, he cast a look over his shoulder,“Do ya mind, boyo? We’re havin’ a conversation ‘ere.” Snickers and giggles rose around them, their attention back to their strung up jester.

The light of the barely controlled bonfire behind his back cast a golden halo about his body as he stood with legs spread, the chains about his wrists stretching his arms behind him. Golden brown eyes flicked nervously across the cackling horde, swallowing at their mirthful sneers and blazing eyes before narrowing at the rat,“I said don’t touch her. Because if you do,” Lips lifted and bared sharp teeth in a furious snarl,“I’ll-”

“What? You’ll what lad? Come ‘nd bite me like an animal? ’M pretty sure that’s for us, boyo.” The rat smiles smugly as the swarm howled once more and watched as the Nutcracker’s bravado quickly crumbled. He waved a paw dismissively,“After all, me 'n the lass were just havin’ a pleasant conversation,” Another twisted sneer lifted the rat’s lips as he leaned down, lifting her face back up,“Weren’t we, lass?”

Clara merely gives him a disgusted grimace and spit in his face. Yet the rat remained unfazed, his grimy paw dropping from her chin and wiping his cheek,“Aw lass, ye didnae hafta do that for little old me. I’m not important enough for such a curtsy. But the King, oohh the King,” His wicked grin stretched wider, eyes glowing with delight as her expression dropped,“He’d probably love somethin’ like that.”

“NO!” Hans yanked himself forward with burning honey brown eyes, chains rattling loudly and barren trunks creaking dangerously while wooden shoes trenched the dirt. Tiny flecks of paint danced in the soft breeze and were quickly incinerated by the blazing heat,“DON’T YOU DARE!”

The rat rolled his eyes, once again leaning back and returning his attention to the wooden soldier with an irritated sigh,“Can’t ye see we’re busy, ya crackhead?” When he received no answer the mouse fully turned away from her and stormed towards the soldier. Hans met the rat’s fury with a cold glare, hands fisted behind him as he bared his teeth.

The rat merely sneered and backhanded the man across the jaw,“Cannae get a sliver of peace from you tonight.” He muttered as he rubbed his paw. The force knocked the soldier back a pace, his ornate hat toppling to the ground. It was quickly scooped up by the sniggering horde and tossed about, a toy in their new game.

The rat ignored the cackling mob and snatched the Nutcracker by the chin,“Ye got too much bloody spunk in ya, boyo.” The man snarled, sharp teeth glinting in the orange light, yet the mouse continued to stare down at him with a brow raised, filthy nails scraping against his face,“I think,” The rat snapped his fingers, attention shifting to another mouse standing next to the bonfire,“That ya need ta be taken down a few notches.”

The rat’s eyes burned in wicked delight in the fire’s rampant blaze and Hans’ furious expression dropped, honey brown eyes widening. A golden streak of light flashed across the mouse’s flea bitten and scarred snout as he sneered,“Let’s see 'ow much of a choppin’ it takes to cut you down ta size.”

Brown eyes widened, horrified tears streaking down her reddening cheeks as she writhed in fervor,“NO!”

Her screeching did nothing to stop the mouse’s intent, and the ax’s blade met the soldier’s back with a deafening crack. Wood chipped and splintered as a ragged gasp tore from his throat and he arched away, yet could not escape while the horde howled and cheered. The orange blaze shimmered off the steel’s edge and another strike came with a hollow thunk, the chains jerking and jingling with a choked grunt.

Clara’s screaming was drowned out by the mad cackling and jeering of the swarm, their eyes alight with glee as their jester struggling when the ax cracked against his back. Honey brown eyes flittered about, teeth clenched tightly and bared wildly as wooden shoes trenching the earth. The blade’s wicked edge carved through the soldier in slow, measured strokes, chunks of candy red wood clattering to the ground in careless enjoyment.

Filthy claws drew droplets of crimson that trickled down her arms in her violent struggling,“STOP! STOP IT! YOU’RE KILLING HIM! YOU’RE KILLING HIM STOP!”

The massive rat waved a hand with a smirk, gesturing towards the raging inferno vague. The mouse wielding the ax halted it’s descent; yellow eyes glanced behind him, catching the fire’s glow as devilish intent stretched a grin across it’s maw. The mouse quickly darted off and the man sagged, breaths haggard. The rat looked over his shoulder with a shrug,“Killin’ 'im? Nah, we’re just havin’ a bit a fun, right boys?” He grins wickedly when the mice giggle and snicker and a filthy paw grabs the soldier by the head and pulls it up to face him,“Besides, from the looks of 'im he could take on quite a bit more,” Sharp teeth bare as filthy nails scrape down wood, small tears twinkling in honey brown eyes,“Don’t'cha think, lass?”

Clara shook her head with wide eyes, red hair thrashing,“NO! STOP IT PLEASE!”

The rat’s eyes gleamed in the orange light and he glanced over his shoulder,“Aw, come on lass. We’re jus’ doin’ our job.” He looked back to the man and dropped his head. The soldier glared hatefully, growling under his breath as the rat stepped back. Honey brown eyes glanced over to the woman as he offered a weak smile,“After all,” An evil grin spread across the rat’s snout,“We’re supposed to..discourage any rebellin’ against our king,”

The red hot blade of a battle ax reared it’s angry head, stark against the star filled void of the night sky.

“Aren’t we lads?”

The ax cracked against the soldier’s ruined back, and instantly wood crackled and burned under the intense heat. Golden brown eyes widen and the man’s back arches sharply as a horrendous scream tears from his throat, echoing through the dark shadows of the forest surrounding them. The swarm roars with laughter as red steel was ripped from the blackening slash and chopped into another section of candy red paint, jarring another agonized howl as wood sizzled and charred.

Red hair was tangled about dirty paws in an effort to keep brown eyes watching, her screams lost to the horde’s wild cackling. Crack after crack, wood burned and sizzled under the wickedly sharp blade’s heat and ripped tormented howls from the soldier’s chest. His screams lost intensity as the blade slowly cooled into burgundy, yet still carved into his wooden skin with ease. The burning blade is torn from his back once more, an exhausted groan grinds over his overused voice before golden eyes roll back, chains pulling taut as his head dropped and body sagged.

The rat sneered,“Aw, looky 'ere lads,” His muck covered paw grasped the man’s shoulder, giving it a shake,“Little soldier boy 'ere is down fer the count!” Cackles raise from the swarm of filth and glowing eyes as their jester rattles harmlessly,“Seems like we pulled a good job, then eh?” Cheers wash across the horde and the rat stands up, grinning madly,“Then let’s be goin’! To the castle wit’ ya, ye bilge rats! I'v seen enough o’ ya ta last me a lifetime!” Eyes glow and crooked teeth flash as laughter and cheers echo in the dead of night.

“Hey,” The mouse’s raspy voice reaches her ears just above the cacophonous noise,“What about her?”

The rat merely glances down his snout at the red haired woman before turning away,“Leave 'er wit ’m. If the lass was that much trouble wit’ you then there’s no reason to bring 'er to the King. He prefers 'is woman a little less,” He grins wickedly, brow raised,“Spirited.”

Sharp, dirty nails scrape spitefully across her skin as the mouse drops her without a second thought. She crashes to her knees, quickly scrambling away from the mice, who watch her with filthy sneers.

“Go on, love. 'Ave fun.” They cackle and turn away, leaving her on the ground to follow the horde as it slowly merged with the shadows of the forest. Wide, tear filled brown eyes snap to the soldier’s lifeless body, and she quickly gets to her feet and rushes across the clearing.

“Hans!” The man hardly stirs when small hands clasp his cheeks. Dark steel untangles easily under thin fingers and clatter to the ground; without the brace of the chains the man falls forwards and into her embrace. Crying, she lowers him to his knees, his head falling against her shoulder lifelessly,“Hans, please. Hans…wake up..” Her hands carefully reach for his destroyed back and jolt away when blackened wood crumbled under her touch. Her sobbing increases as she clutches his waist,“Hans…Hans…I’m so sorry….”

Her breath hitches and eyes widen when a soft groan reaches her ears, his face slowly turning into the crook of her neck. Large wooden hands shakily lift and cup her back,“C..Cla..ra…?”

She clutches him tighter,“Y-yes Hans?”

“D…Did th-they…hurt..you..?”

Sobs wrench at her throat,“No..no Hans they didn’t hurt me but…b-but Hans, you-”

His arms tighten around her,“I c-could feel…it…all of it….”

Another wave of tears burn her red eyes,“H-Hans..?”

“I-I can f-feel pain, Clara. I’m not…..I’m not a….”

“No, Hans, you’re not. You’re a person.” Carefully, she leans her forehead against his shoulder, drops streaking across the dust covered paint,“You’re a person, Hans…”

“…….Clara…”

She hiccups softly,“Y-yes Hans?”

“…It hurts….It hurts so much Clara!” Burning tears trickle down her neck and his grip on her tightens, teeth baring as he choked back sobs,“Clara it hurts!”

A hand reaches up, fingers softly stroking through tangled black hair as she turns her face into the crook of his wooden neck, muffling her own ragged voice,“I know Hans….I know.”

The empty silence of the night was broken by the roar of the slowly dying bonfire, orange light casting a halo across the wooden soldier’s mangled and charred back, his broken cries muffled by the woman’s neck and witnessed by the ever watchful eye of the full moon.

PHOTOGRAPHY HARRY ; chapter 1

"Bye mum!" were my last words as I saw her driving off, leaving me alone in a whole new world. Today, was my first day of university. I managed to scrape through my A-levels and get a decent enough grades to be accepted by Brighton Uni. Ever since I was little I have always wanted to do something with art as a career. I would pretend with my grandparents that I was some kind of fancy painter who sold their paintings for millions of pounds, we would do auctioneers selling my crumpled, messy drawings. But my grandparents pretended it was the greatest thing they had ever seen and even to this day they they have a box full in the loft of all my drawings, of course signed and dated. My grandparents were always one of my reasons for doing art when I was younger, just to see the smile my scribbles of a rainbow and some stick men would draw upon their faces. It's been 6 years since they had passed away, but whenever I created a new piece I would always try and remember their expressions looking at my work, even if it wasnt my best. That's what my first thought was, as Mum said her goodbyes, whilst I was stood on the curb with my suitcase and box of a few bits. Mum never seemed to be very interested in my life, I had to awkwardly ask for a lift as no one else could give me a lift. The ride there wasnt particularly enjoyable as the silence seemed to fog the air. So I decided to connect my phone to the aux cable and play some Fleetwood Mac to calm myself. I mean a fresh new start, new people and new places is the best thing to get me away from home. My thoughts were broken, when a girl started to wave in myself. I must've been daydreaming because she looked slightly impatient, but she gave me a soft smile when I regained focus. She was beautiful she had birght hazel eyes that matched perfectly with her tight curled black hair and olive skin. She wore a navy velevet crop top that tied around her waist with a pair of black jeans that stuck to her hips, showing off her hour-glass figure. "I'm Bobby" she gleamed as she gestured her had to me. I gave her a smile back and shook her hand "Violet" I replied. "Ah so you must be my room mate. Been waiting all day to meet you, you took your time!" she teased letting out a brief laugh. Immediately putting me at ease. "Follow me and I'll show you to our room." She said as she grabbed the box of my stuff and walking into the building ahead of us. The building was a basic uni stereotypical building, the typical grey building with a basic style to it, but it would have to do. "Heres your room" Bobby gestured to the little box room overlooking the carpark and other houses. "Thanks Bobby" "It's alright... um look me and some friends are going to a local pub near by to meet up with the other freshers. If you dont have plans do you want to come?" Her eyes were hopeful like a innocent puppy, how could I say no. "Oh, yeah, sure that sounds really cool" "YES! ok well be ready by 9 and then we can walk down together, cool?" she said excitedly. I nodded glad that my first year might not be going to complete rubish just yet. I locked the door behind me, sighing as I sat on the bare matress. I suppose I should unpack a bit as my room did seem a bit bare and I had hours to get ready so I had time. I unpacked my duvet covers that I'd taken from home, it had flowers on it that tied well together. However, you could still see some of the acrylic stains from when I had been too lazy to go and paint on my desk and then accidently knocked paint on it, but that added character. I set up my bed adding a pillow that Grandma had sewn together for me and I also hung up some coloured fair lights around the room to add a more homely look, along with my posters of some bands that I had seen back home. By the time I set up my room It had been 2 hours and I only had a hour to get ready, so I quickly set up my speaker and played a few songs from my playlist to try and boost my energy levels from travelling mostly all day. I hadn't had many clothes to choose from that weren't crinkled or just lunging around clothes, so I decided just to go for my normal day wear: a pair of blue 'mom' jeans and a white T-shirt with 'feminism' written in black across the front. My hair was no longer strait from where I straightened it this morning and curls were beginning to show so I put it in a quick pony tail, tucking my baby hairs behind my ears. As I had gone so basic on the outfit I thought it was right to spruce up the makeup a bit more, grabbing my orange eyeshadow palette that I had have since I was 15. I qucikly put some orange in my crease with my brush and a shimmery gold on top to add a more glam look and a bit of mascara to top it off. It was almost 9 so I grabbed my phone chucked it in my bag with my purse and tried to find Bobby. "Bobby!" "IM ALMOST READY! just give me five mins!" she called from her room. I took her word for it and grabbed my black converse and sat on the sofa which was positioned right next to the kitchen and positioned my self tying my laces. ~20 mins later~ "hey V, sorry I didnt know what to wear... ready to go?" she said as she brushed he hand through her hair. No one had ever called me 'V' before, but then no one really new my name let alone making a nickname for it, it felt good. She came out in a dress that was another velvet piece in green that tied around her hips exagerating her curves, with a pair of black heels. Making me feel very self concious about my outfit choice. "it's fine, nice dress by the way" I complemented trying to not make it seem awkward. "aw thankyou! I um love your bag." The brief pause didn't help my confidence but I decided to forget it and just go to the pub. We both walked down to the 'pub' as Bobby had described it, it was more like a casual club not a steak and chips place that I had imagined in my head. The place was called 'panther' there was a loud buzz of people and banging of music played through outside. But Bobby gave me a smile and pinched my hand as she lead me inside over towards a bar. There was a group of about 5 people standing around that seemed to be looking straight at us, they all hugged Bobby welcoming eachother untill they all stared at me obviously wondring who I was. "Oh guys this is my room mate Violet, thought she could use some company so be nice!" "hey nice to meet all of you" I smiled, they all laughed giving me hugs. There was Alex a who was tall and stood strong with baby blue eyes that shined against the light. Lucy, who Bobby seemed especially close with as they both had eachothers arms wrapped around their waists, I presumed that was her girlfriend, she had dark brown long hair that was around her shoulders, they just seemed to go perfectly together. There was also Niall a cute looking guy with blonde hair that stood sipping his pint of beer at the back smiling at me.Two other girls also stood next to Niall they both seemed as elegant as Lucy with their slim figures and perfect structured faces. By the time we all started talking I realised I hadn't yet got a drink and decided to swiftly move towards to bar,sitting on the sticky stool waiting for the bar tender to come over. It was nice to have a bit of space away from people just to regather myself, I had a quick scroll through my instagram feed looking at the people back home starting uni, wheni decided to turn it off and just to enjoy myself. Untill I heard the stool next to me be pulled out by a man with curly dark brown hair, he was looking me straight in the eyes. He had piercing green eyes that where mesmerising. "Hello" he said, his voice husky "I'm in a band" he grinned. "Does that line normally get you very far" I spluttered out not thinking what I was saying. "Didn't mean to offend you." His hands began to play with his ruby ring around his finger twirling it round almost nervously. He looked very comfy whilst wearing a knitted space jumper that looked exspensive, with a pair of flared blue jeans and vans, whilst he had sunglasses stirred into his curly hair. "I just thought I would come over and say 'hi', you seemed to be lonely sitting here all by yourself" a small smile began to grow across his face, as he began to look up at me. "I'm perfectly fine thanks, I'm here with my room mate so no need to worry im not alone" I joked letting out a small laugh. "Good to hear it" he beamed "I'm harry, just moved here, you?" he ignored my invitation for him to leave. "Violet, and so have I, are you at uni here too?" I began to get more comftable as his smile relaxed me. "Yeah I'm doing second year photgraphy, I just moved from London to Brighton as I fancided a change of scenery" he sighed. I didn't question his lack of enthusiam and ordered a drink for myself. He tried to pay for me but I refused I didn't need his money. But he insisted where I had to let him or he would of kept pestering me. For the whole night we both sat there talking about a load of nonsense like our favourite food and movie and about what we wanted to do in the future, obviously I had no idea or either did he like most students. He did talk about his band saying that his band mates are going to perform this weekend on saturday and that I should go, he seemed like a sort of guy to like my music taste so I couldnt see why not. "The band is called CHASM, and dont froget it cos' one day we'll be touring the world" we both laughed. For some reason the tinge of confidence that he had didnt seem rude to me it felt funny and almost warming as cringey as it sounded he started to grow on me. "Hey um look, heres my number" he typed his number in my phone and sent message to himself so he had my number too, making my eyes roll playfully. "Text me whenever you want and if you want to come along to one of our gigs" his dimples began to show as his mouth peaked. "Yeah sure, maybe see you around campus?" I tried to say casually like I knew what I was talking about. We said our good byes as Bobby was calling me to leave now as she had begun to get a bit tipsy. He hugged me into his arms in a bear hug, I could smell the scent of alcohol mixed with aftershave, but not too over powering that it was actually pleasant. Harry made sure we both were in a uber on the way home nice and safely, even though it was only a 10 minute walk. He insisted on walking us home himslef but he had already been too kind and I didn't want to push it. By the time he shut the door, Bobby immediately look at me with her brow raised, her make up slightly smudged and he strap of her dress fallen on her side. "he totally likes you you know" she giggled as the effects of alcohol took its toll. I just rolled my eyes at the comment, although it did feel nice for someone to pay attention to yourself occasionly AUTHORS NOTE: I hope you liked this it is my first time ever writing a fanfiction and If you like this then I would like to start a series to do with Harry and Violet (: x

petals for your efforts

ao3 link

warnings: none

ship: dan / phil

wordcount: 1757

extra stuff: tiny trace of pastel dan, dreaded 2nd person POV but according to a few people i pull it off In A Manner That Is Readable, soft, high school setting (ish), i recommend reading on ao3

You catch your first glimpse of him – the real him, you think, or at least a part of him that is a little more raw – at the far end of an overground station platform. Granted, you’re perhaps a bit more than distracted given the dismal weather, everything feeling blurry and a little too bright against the glary pale grey of the clouds, but. He’s there. And he looks miserable, clutching what looks like a delicately wired flower crown with sad, wet petals between his fingers.

For a brief moment, you’re highly tempted to wax poetic about his hands, because they’re beautiful, but there are other issues at hand.

“Hey,” you begin, and wince because you absolutely did not think this through. “Dan, right? Doing alright?”

He stares back at you, hair curling slightly from the moisture – he must straighten it every day, you muse – and then promptly looks back down to his shoes. “Hello, Phil.”

The two of you aren’t really in the same friendship circles. You have been vaguely aware of Dan since the beginning of the school year, but it’s a whole new experience to see him out of uniform and wearing – well.

“That colour looks nice on you,” you comment, gesturing vaguely towards the pale pink jumper he’s wearing, and squint, leaning closer to the little design in the centre of the shirt. “Is that an egg?”

He looks at you again, and you’re satisfied to note that he looks happier now, if a little amused. “Yes. Sunny-side up, so the egg’s name has been delegated Sunny. Also, thanks,” he surveys your own attire carefully, “your, uh. Subtle selection of black clothing is pretty neat, I guess.”

A nervous laugh manages to escape you lips as you gesture towards the flower crown still grasped gently between his fingers. “Can I take that? Perhaps it’ll be good to have some colour on me for a little while. I’ll return it on Monday at school?”

He looks surprised, to say the least. You blame the general concept of toxic masculinity and also the fact that he probably thinks you are the strangest, most uncouth person to have ever interacted with him.

Nonetheless, reaches up and places the flowers in your hair, and studies you evenly. “Looking good,” he says, and winks, and you think that you like him a bit.

DAN: look im just saying but you have to get your priorities straight WATCH THE CLASSICS FIRST god I cant believe you havent even watched fmab yet PHIL: Ok, ok, but sometimes I can’t help but go into the weird obscure things my friends recommend me, you know? PHIL: like it’s not like I know any better PHIL: anyways fine!!! I’ll watch your weird animes. But you have to read that novel I recommended to you. DAN: if it’s along the same lines as a john green novel phil i swear to god i’m never trusting your recs again PHIL: hey! John green’s books aren’t that bad. romance isn’t as bad as you make it out to be. PHIL: and it’s a good book, I promise. It’s exactly the kind of hipstery thing you’d like DAN: what on earth are you insinuating DAN: ok one of the protags isn’t straight I can get behind this PHIL: I can’t believe I managed to peg your interests just like that. DAN: hey, now. PHIL: Just read it. Tell me if you cry at the end :D DAN: i wont DAN: we must discuss this book when ive finished reading on saturday

Your mother is probably extremely glad that you’re getting out of the house of your own accord to meet up with friends for once. Or just a friend. Singular. You’re not about to admit it, but you’re very ready to see Dan in soft, colourful, non-school related clothing again.

He’s sitting in the very corner of the café you agreed to meet at, hunched away over what looks like a milkshake, and you take the opportunity to admire the robin’s egg blue of his shirt, and the demeanour of calmness he seems to have cast over himself, still reading the book you lent him. It’s just starting to sprinkle as you make your way into the shop and order.

“Hello,” you say, and he looks up and his smile stretches across his face languidly, dark eyes making contact with yours – he seemed awkward with eye contact the first time you talked to him at the station those few weeks back, but now it’s fine.

You curse the existence of involuntary physical responses as you heart beats a tiny bit faster, because it’s only been a few weeks, but you do like him. You’re not in denial, just frustrated and perhaps wishing that you could have a highschool romance story like any silly romcom film you’ve watched.

“Thought you were going to abandon me, like the terrible person you are,” he says, still grinning as he pats the seat next to him. “Sit down. We have some important themes and subtextual information from within this book we need to discuss.”

He slides the novel over to you, finger tracing a few lines. “Here, see this? And,” he flips a few pages over, “this? They only talk twice in the whole book – yes, I’ve been rereading – and yet everyone is convinced they’re in love. Remind me why, again?”

You smile back, and push his hand off the book. “You’re reading into it wrong,” and from the way his gaze challenges you, you’re willing to bet you’ll have a fun discussion.

Dan leans his head back on your blanket, somehow already at ease. The late afternoon light is filtering in through the windows, casting hazy, shattered beams of sun onto the bed.

“Your room is exactly as nerdy as I thought it would be,” he laughs a bit, and reaches over to examine the cactus you have placed on your desk. “You’re absolutely the type to name your plants, aren’t you? What’s this one’s name?”

You glance over. “Alistaire the Second,” you say. He lets out his soft, quiet laugh, the one that makes you feel a little bit more intimate and as if he trusts you.

“Of course,” he mutters quietly, then stares at you, not for the first time today. “Let’s paint our nails.”

“Our- what?”

He seems almost disappointed. Almost. “My sister let me take her collection of polishes, and I figured since I’m sleeping over, we should do cliche teenager sleepover things. And, since all the stuff boys are probably supposed to do during sleepovers are a lot less interesting than, say, gossiping about dudes and painting nails, we should do this.” He looks nervous for a moment. “Unless you don’t want to. We can put on a movie whilst we do it though, that’d be cool.”

Nodding vigorously, you set up your laptop and he brings out a suspicious number of glass bottles from his bag, looking a little relieved. You examine his array of colours, laughing a little bit. “Fluorescent yellow, a dodgy shade of mauve, this awful olive colour - this is quite a selection.”

He just does his grin again, and holds up a nice, bright, RGB colour wheel-worthy shade of blue. “This one for you. Actually,” he says, pushing another few bottles forwards, “you can have a rainbow.”

You end up playing Mulan in the background (Disney never fails), and he paints each nail on your left hand a different, horribly bright colour. In turn, you paint all his nails a wobbly black, except his pinkies, which he insists are painted a nice, glossy white. He wiggles his hands in front of your face. You have the urge to lick his hand, just because it’d be gross and maybe annoy him a little bit.

“Piano hands, Philly,” he says, and you look down at your own nails, which have very wobbly jobs as well.

“Uh. Vaporwave unicorn hands, Danny,” you reply, and he does his soft laugh again. Your gut clenches, and you decide you have to tell him before you regret staying quiet for months and months.

“Listen, D-”

“Oh yeah, heck,” he interrupts, jumping off the bed. “Look here, I got you a flower crown, I nearly forgot. We don’t talk about my favour for pastel clothing much, but you seemed to like the one I gave you at the train station a few months back, so you can have this.” He’s holding out a different crown, with slightly smaller roses on it, petals stained pink and orange and looping neatly with a few small leaves. “You don’t wear enough warm colours. Look, even your room is just blues, greens, black and white.”

“Thanks, Dan,” you say, almost whisper, and slot the flowers on your head. There’s a wash of fizzling happiness that rushes over you, and then you steel your nerves, pausing the film. “Listen, Dan,” you start again, and he looks ridiculously concerned for you, a tenebrous expression that you want to wipe off his face and replace with warmth again.

“What’s wrong?” he asks, and you shake your head.

“Don’t worry, it’s nothing super terrible. Although I guess it depends on how you take it, but…”

“Oh, come on, Phil, you’re not allowed to keep me in suspense like this,” he jokes, wavering.

Your brain just a one-eighty and you collapse back onto your pillow. The flower crown is dislodged slightly, flipping back and resting against the headboard. “I can’t do this,” you groan, and stretch out your hand. “Here, take it.”

“What?”

“My hand. hold it.”

Silently, he acquiesces. “Um, Phil-”

“Look,” you say, staring at the ceiling fan, watching it spin lazy circles above you, “I kind of fancy you. In, yeah, that kind of way. I don’t know, but I like you a lot, so I guess that’s that. I mean,” you mumble, beginning to ramble, “I know you’re my friend and you probably don’t- ah.” You’re cut off by Dan flopping down next to you, lacing his fingers with yours.

“It’s alright, Phil.” he says, flicking your head. “I think you’re pretty neat too,” and he gives your hand a squeeze. You think about how nice you thought his hands were when you first saw him at the station. Outside, the summery orange tint of sunset has darkened into a shadowy navy, and the sky flashes white and blue with lightning, a thunderstorm carving patterns of rain down the window. “No kissing till the third date, though,” he teases.

You can accept that.

Get to know me better!

i was tagged by @musicstar-chenle. rules: complete the survey and say who tagged you in the beginning. when you are finished you have to tag people to do this survey. have fun and enjoy!! 1: ARE YOU NAMED AFTER SOMEONE : not that I know of but my middle name (Elena) is the Spanish version of my aunt’s name! 2. WHEN IS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED : really recent but I forgot the day. oh wait no I remember it was yesterday. (It was dumb my brother wouldn’t give me the car keys cuz he didn’t trust me even tho my coach said to head back and stay warm cuz I’m injured) 3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING : I like my public-notes handwriting but my private-notes handwriting and handwriting in general sucks 4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH TO EAT :  uhh I normally eat bread and goldfish for lunch so??? 5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS : ALL OF NCT DREAM EVEN THO IM ONLY OLDER THAN JISUNG 6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU : I’d like to think so but probably not 7. DO YOU USE SARCASM : I use bad sarcasm does that count? I don’t normally like being mean tho 8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS : yeah 9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP : FUCK NO 10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE KIND OF CEREAL : Without milk: Pops corn cereal. With milk: Coco pebbles. With milk and fruit: frosted flakes 11: DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF :most of the time but if I’m lazy then no 12: DO YOU THINK YOU’RE A STRONG PERSON : Physically? Hell no I can bench press 65 at the MOST. Emotionally? Not even did you read number 2? I cry over everything 13: WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOUR :  MINT CHOCOLATE CHIP OR COTTON CANDY 14: WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE : I’m shorter than everyone (I’m 5′0″) so I notice their smiles and chins the most. (If it’s a girl then her boobs oops) 15: RED OR PINK : PINK! but only soft pink 16: WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE PHYSICAL THING YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF : um my teeth, my nose, my height sometimes, my boobs, my feet, my nails, my eczema, my etc. 17: WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING NOW : batman sweats and no shoes 18: WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE : I think it was kinder chocolate? 19: WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW : The Eye by Infinite 20: IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE: baby blue cuz I love that color 21: FAVORITE SMELL: I honestly have no idea? I don’t notice smells all that often. probably choco cookies? 22: WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU SPOKE TO ON THE PHONE : does skype count? if it does my study buddies but I don't get calls from people. 23: FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH : VOLLEYBALL 24: HAIR COLOR : lightish brown 25: EYE COLOR : dark brown 26: DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS : nope 27: FAVORITE FOOD TO EAT : I DON”T LIKE EATING OOPS 28: SCARY MOVIES OR COMEDY : comedies fuck scary shit 29: LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED : I’m watching Aladdin rn 30: WHAT COLOR OF SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING : homemade tie-dye but it’s mostly green 31: SUMMER OR WINTER : I can’t decide cuz theyre both awful like where I live it’s either too fucking hot or freezing 32: HUGS OR KISSES : I’ve never had any type of kisses so idk??? I think I like hugs tho 33: WHAT BOOK ARE YOU CURRENTLY READING : um I read Oedipus in class but I am also reading the Girl on the Train 34: WHO DO YOU MISS RIGHT NOW : IS IT SAD I DON’T MISS ANYONE?? probably my cousin since she actually likes me but idk I’m just an emotional void. 35: WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD : my mouse? did I read this question wrong lol (Update: Addition just told me it’s the pic on the mousepad. It’s a picture of Manila and the beaches in the Philippines) 36: WHAT IS THE LAST TV PROGRAM YOU WATCHED : BLACK MIRROR OMG, also orange is the new black and hwarang 37: WHAT IS THE BEST SOUND : I LOVE VIOLINS AND THE SOUND OF MY CRUSH’S LAUGH AND NCT DREAM SINGING AND MY CATS’ MEOWS 38: ROLLING STONES OR THE BEATLES : the beatles 39: WHAT IS THE FURTHEST YOU HAVE EVER TRAVELED? I’ve been to the Philippines a couple times  40: DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT : I’m really good at retaining information in school (that’s the only reason why I’m in the top 2% at school Istg) uh and i’m really flexible but I think that’s it 41: WHERE WERE YOU BORN : California 42: PEOPLE YOU EXPECT TO PARTICIPATE IN THIS: okay here we go kiddos @prince-nakamoto-yuta , @oohahhsparkly

Get to know me better! i was tagged by @diddlydarndamndonghyuck

rules: complete the survey and say who tagged you in the beginning. when you are finished you have to tag people to do this survey. have fun and enjoy!!

1: ARE YOU NAMED AFTER SOMEONE : I'm named after sailor moon bc my sister was lame and six when she named me

2. WHEN IS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED : 

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING : yeah sure lol i mean its kinda neat and people say its cute

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH TO EAT : i fukcign love sandwichs but like really good artisinal ones from cafes bc im fancy like that lmao and SOUP I LOVE SOUP

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS : only jisung my smol bby

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU : nahhhhhhhh im too annoying

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM : i mean yeah but like not a lot like some people use it every 2 seconds like calm down edgelord

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS : idk what that fucking means whats a tonsil

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP : HELL YEAH

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE KIND OF CEREAL : C H O C O L A T E C H E E R I O S ALSO CINNAMON TOAST CRUNCH I LOVE THAT CRONCH

11: DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF : lmao no who tf has time for that

12: DO YOU THINK YOU’RE A STRONG PERSON :i mean not physically, and not emotionally either, but im good at pretending i am bc im lowkey an edgelord too

13: WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOUR : CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIE DOUGH 

14: WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE : uhhhh hair, clothes or voice i guess?

15: RED OR PINK : pink i fucking hate red im chinese so EVERYTHING IS RED. ALWAYS. EVERYTHING

16: WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE PHYSICAL THING YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF : acne, weight, scars, nose, i have a weird thing where i have one monolid and one double eyelid like id be okay if they matched but they dont and its annoying

17: WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING NOW :im wearing purple pajama pants without shoes

18: WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE : um an orange i think

19: WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW : the glee playlist on spotify

20: IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE: i like to think lavender bc its pretty but realisticly like dark teal? idk

21: FAVORITE SMELL: vanilla, maple, lavender, mashmallows, campfires, and strawberries

22: WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU SPOKE TO ON THE PHONE : my sister i think???? or my mom.

23: FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH : ice dancing, figure skating, or ski racing

24: HAIR COLOR : dark brown, basically black

25: EYE COLOR : dark brown, almost black

26: DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS : nope i wish but im not allowed to

27: FAVORITE FOOD TO EAT : POUTINE AND PIZZA AND FRIED CHICKEN

28: SCARY MOVIES OR COMEDY : comedies i guess. i like both but i dont think i could deal with only watching scary movies

29: LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED : i forget. either the heat or the circle

30: WHAT COLOR OF SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING : an orange pajama shirt

31: SUMMER OR WINTER : winter! its too fucking cold but at least i can go skiing!

32: HUGS OR KISSES : hugs always hugs

33: WHAT BOOK ARE YOU CURRENTLY READING : im trying to get through the orange grove but i dont have time

34: WHO DO YOU MISS RIGHT NOW : my sister i guess? and my friends from my old school

35: WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD : i dont use a mouse pad bc it takes up too much room

36: WHAT IS THE LAST TV PROGRAM YOU WATCHED : riverdale and the unbreakable kimmy schmidt

37: WHAT IS THE BEST SOUND : babies giggling and puppies barking and ppl harmonizing

39: WHAT IS THE FURTHEST YOU HAVE EVER TRAVELED? idk i go to asia a lot, ive also been to europe so thats like halfway across the world which is the furthest i can go. i guess malaysia? its like a 16 h plane

40: DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT : i mean....define special...i play piano and sing but like those are lame. i got through 2 years of highschool witholut studying but like is that rlly an acheivement? im a good liar i guess even though my best friend says im not but i dont even really lie to her so. im good at bullshitting on the spot? and im good at puns NO MATTER WHAT KAYLA SAYS

41: WHERE WERE YOU BORN : ontario, canada

42: PEOPLE YOU EXPECT TO PARTICIPATE IN THIS: im to lazy to tag ppl ugh ok:

@taeyongfireeyes @ximenalightwood  @ the whole gc idk theres too many of yall to tag

whoever wants to do it can say i tagged u tho im just tired its late

3 Tag Games

Tagged by @pod7et

1: Are you named after someone?  was. I fixed that 11 1/2 years ago.

2: When was the last time you cried? Uh, not caused by a fic? Not sure. But I was very close this saturday

3: Do you like your handwriting? Nope. And I know that seems weird, that as an artist I have horrible handwriting, but i do. I apparantly just have no patience to wait - my art thumbnails also look very awful. the difference is, the first time i'm trying to get the idea down fast before my brain moves on or forgets. the second time is to make it nice. I never get around to writing it a second time unless its typed up.

4: What is your favorite lunch meat? in general: Roast Beef. specifically - the Buttercup Dairy Store Cajun Roast Beef. A small mom and pop owned store back home where i had my first job.

5: Do you have kids? yes. one.

6: If you were another person, would you be friends with you? i don't see why not?

7: Do you use sarcasm? everyone around me does so if i do, it doesn't get noticed as sarcasm. i have it, i try to, but my levels of sarcasm just doesn't compare

8: Do you still have your tonsils? Yes

9: Would you bungee jump? *SHUDDERING* Why would you ask me that? WHY?

10: What is your favorite kind of cereal? I don't eat cereal anymore

11: Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? I used to, but i have a pair of shoes now that i can get on and off without having to, so i don't bother anymore

12: Do you think you’re a strong person? No

13: What is your favorite ice cream? Vanilla bean - Breyers or Ben & Jerry’s Chubby Hubby

14: What is the first thing you notice about people? Uh...colors, I think. They'll draw your eye in and then you start noticing everything else.

15: What is the least favorite physical thing you like about yourself? MY HEIGHT (I'm so short and its not fair - my dad was a whole foot taller than me. so's his brother. and his oldest sister is almost a foot taller than me as well

16: What color pants and shoes are you wearing now? blue striped pj’s

17: What are you listening to right now? Everyone's sleeping and i was too lazy to find my headphones, so all i'm listening to is my fingers typing and the humming refridgerator (i apparantly can't spell that.)

18: If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Well, that depends. Am I picking it? Or does each color have some deep meaning that would be applied to me? Becuase if it's the first, the color would be blue. if its' the second, you'll have to give me the chart...

19: Favorite smell? BACON

20: Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone? my mum-in-law (and yes, i call her mum. and no, i'm not from England. so there.)

21: Favorite sport to watch? Yuri on Ice. that totally counts, right?

22: Hair color? plain old brown with silver creeping in. sometimes i dye it to bring out the red highlights that hide inside. usually that means i've just turned my whole head red. :P

23: Eye color? Brown

24: Do you wear contacts? I can't wear them anymore. they hurt my eyes.

25: Favorite food to eat? Bacon. what, i can use the same answer twice! okay fine - how about something i can't get anymore because i don't know how my father cooked it?

26: Scary movies or comedy? Comedy! I'll even watch scary stuff sometimes if it has enough comedy

27: Last movie you watched? You know what? NO. I ain't telling cause i really regret watching it. WHILE i was watching it, but i was too lazy to find something else.

28: What color of shirt are you wearing? my bright orange pj's

29: Summer or winter? Autumn!!!

30: Hugs or kisses? Hugs

31: What book are you currently reading? Does fanfic count? if not, I technically have several books i'm in the middle of right now - i think i started them 2 years ago. before i realized i could read fanfic on my nook.

32: Who do you miss right now? dad

33: What is on your mouse pad? N/A (laptop has the touchpad, and even when it doesn’t, i use a trackball. no mouse necessary - but we did have one a friend stole from our college computer lab that my hubby used for like, forever.

34: What is the last TV program you watched? um.....oh! the Red Green Show

35: What is the best sound? music. or laughing.

36: Rolling Stones or The Beatles? not sure

37: What is the furthest you have ever traveled? NH to California

38: Do you have a special talent? i like to think so

39: Where were you born? Deleware

******************************

Alright, I was tagged by @dmsilvisart to answer 8 questions and tag 9 people who I would like to get to know better. Here we go:

1. Relationship Status: Married 11 1/2 years, known each other for 22

2. Favorite Color: Blue!!!!!!

3. Pets: None. Everyone in my house but me is allergic

4. Last Song I Listened To: That was hours ago! you expect me to remember? :( Right now i have the Yuri on Ice open theme song stuck in my head. Which makes me mad because i tried to buy it on Amazon and the only copies i could find were NOT the version in the open (different singer) or only 30 seconds long (when the open is around a minute and a half)

5. Favorite TV Shows: Supernatural, Doctor Who, Star Trek, Sherlock, Yuri on Ice, M*A*S*H (no one said it still had to be on the air...or in its original run...or...any kind of...qualifier), Stargate, Eureka, slayers, Furuba and probably so much more if i had any brain left for thinking

6. First Fandom: Star Trek

7. Hobbies: Reading, writing, arting (though i want that to be more than a hobby), Games (puzzles, board, card and video - everything really), knitting, scrapbooking

8. Books I’m Currently Reading: Several. from like, 2 years ago, before the whole nook thing. BUT! I am holding @unforth-ninawaters "Glimmer of Hope" hostage until i get more of my work done and i'm sooooo antsing to read it right now!

************************ Alphabet Game

Tagged by @tenoko1

a - age: 39.9

b - biggest fear: Being in open water or being lost, or being alone

c - current time: 3:05am

d - drink you last had: tea

e - every day starts with: my daughter waking me up for a hug before she leaves for school. then i attempt to fall back asleep until i get a nerf shot at my ass (by my husband) as a pretend alarm clock

f - favorite song: Dust in the Wind (but really, so SO many good ones to choose from! how do you choose?)

g - ghosts, are they real: can't decide

h - hometown: where i live now? where i was born? Where i grew up? I never know which version of the question i'm being asked...

i - in love with: not sure what to put here

j - jealous of: anyone whose life is more together than mine i guess. Or people who waste their opportunities

k - killed someone: um, no

l - last time you cried: This saturday I came really close. I had to go hide.

m - middle name: Is my maiden name - i was rather partial to it and since i was moving my old middle name to the first position i said, sure, why not. Let's just lop off that first name and move everything over one to make room for that new last name. wasn't like i was using that old first name anyway.

n - number of siblings: 1.5 (aka, a full sister and a half brother. whom i havent seen since he was 5 except for one time, by accident, at a con. Where he made it clear he wanted nothing to do with our family.

o - one wish: To be able to support myself on my artistic ability

p - person you last called/texted: do the website IMs count? cause that would be either jhoomwrites or mittensmorgul

q - questions you’re always asked: did you draw this?

r - reasons to smile: my kid, music, my art, comments on my fics

s - song last sang: aaaaaah....All of me? i...think? I was singing along

t - which time? Because according to my fitbit, i was awake 17 times last night

u - underwear color: the hated pink color

v - vacation destination: so. many. places! japan, ireland, greece, a supernatural convention for the ENTIRE weekend

w - worst habit(s): Tumblr, procrastination - oh wait, same thing

x - x-rays you’ve had: i've had a variety of things like that - xrays, mri's, catscans...hip, sinus, teeth, baby, gallstones, foot, etc

y - your favorite food: For the third time, BACON!

z - zodiac Sign: Aries

Not tagging anyone - if you wanna do it, go ahead :D

Answer all the questions!

Alisons: Sexuality?

gay 

Amaranth: Pronouns/Gender?

he/him, male

Amaryllis: Birthday?

January 23, 2000

Balsam Fir: Have you ever been in love?

I think so

Baneberries: Favorite song?

im really feeling Dimple by BTS right now

Basket of Gold: Describe your family.

my home family is me, my dad and Cammie. before college I saw my mom once a week. my dad’s side of the family is a bunch of Polaks, my grandma says she isn't polish but we have other thoughts (thats a joke...kind of) they are all mostly not affectionate and they show they care by making fun of each other and if you look at it from the outside it looks like we all really hate each other but thats just how we do things. my moms side is not like that at all, they all pretend to really care about each other but theres a split where half of them are really liberal and the other half is very conservative and borderline racist. I don't doubt that they all genuinely love each other and they do provide for each other in crisis times but they don't really....like each other u know. and the two sides of my family could start world war 3 with the hatred they have for each other 

Begonia: Favorite color? 

steel blue 

Bellflower: Favorite animal?

turtle 

Bergenia: Are you a morning or night person?

night person 

Black-Eyed Susan: If you could be any animal for a day, what would it be?

id be a cat they are always so chill and they know they can do whatever they want and they're right  

Borage: Give a random fact about your childhood.

the house I lived in only had 1 story that was safe for children to be in so I was very bad at using stairs until I was 12 because I never had to 

Bugleherb: How would you spend your last day on Earth? 

if I could do whatever I want id probably visit my mom and apologize for all the things I would never say otherwise. spend some time with Charlie and Lio. tell him all of the things im too afraid to say now. and end the day with Cammie and my dad, probably crying. 

Buttercup: Relationship Status?

single

Camelia: If you could visit anywhere, where would you want to go?

greece maybe? somewhere on the Mediterranean that isn't Cassis because I want variety 

Canna: Do you have any tattoos?  

not yet

Canterbury Bells: Do you have any piercings?  

2 in each ear 

California Poppy: Height?  

5′1

Cardinal Flower: Do you believe in ghosts?

no but I wish they were real

Carnation: What are you currently wearing?  

green sweatshirt, black “skinny” jeans, black vans, green and orange floral hat 

Catnip: Have you ever slept with a nightlight?

I kept my closet light on every night for the first like 10 years of my life 

Chives: Who was the last person you hugged?  

Lio

Cock’s Comb: Favorite font?

courier new 

Columbine: Are you tired?

eternally (not actually, im chillin right now)

Coneflower: Dream job?

head songwriter/performer/art coordinator/all that shit for a touring solo act (me, im the act)

Cyclamen: Did you have a favorite stuffed animal as a child? What was it?

Puppy and Fred were both Dalmatians, and then Allie and Tom who were cats (I still have all of them at home except for puppy)

Daffodil: What’s your zodiac sign?

Aquarius 

Dahlia: Have you done anything worth remembering?

ive done lots of things that are worth having me remember, im not sure that ive done anything worth having other people remember 

Daylily: What would you do if your parents didn’t like your partner(s)?  

literally not care at all

Dendrobium: Who is the last person that you said “I love you” to?

Cammie I think

Foxgloves: What’s something you’re bad at?

talking about things when they actually matter 

Freesia: What are three good things that have happened in the past month?

I finished editing one of my songs! I performed live for the first time in over a year! I uhhh started growing a penis!

Garden Cosmos: How was your day today?

fine, not extraordinarily good but not bad 

Gardenia: Are you happy with where you’re at in your life?

not one bit 

Heliotropium: What helps you calm down when you feel stressed?  

nothing :) sleep?

Hollyhock: Describe your ideal day.

fantasy ideal is like. waking up and making out with my boyfriend and then going to an amusement park for a couple hours just cuz we can, spending the evening performing and then getting wasted with that same boyfriend in our luxurious house 

Hyacinth: What do you like to do in your free time?  

play piano and lay on piano 

Laceleaf: How many friends do you have?

like 5 that I would genuinely consider friends 

Larkspur: What do you think of yourself?

I try too hard at some things and not hard enough at other things and never the right amount about literally anything

Lavender: What’s your favorite thing about yourself?

I can see anything as art or potential art 

Leather Flower: What’s your least favorite thing about yourself?  

hm. well. inability to talk about things when they matter. boobs. ugly in general. lazy. the list goes on

Lilac: What’s something you liked to do as a child?

I really liked creating entire universes. like literal different planets and creatures that live there and relationships between them and the way they live their lives. 

Lily of the Nile: What is something you feel guilty for that you shouldn’t feel guilty about?  

my mom going to jail

Lupine: What does your name mean? Why is that your name?

I picked Sam as a holder name while I was discovering that I was trans because it was very easily gender neutral and started with the first letter of my birth name and then when I came out I still hadn't picked a better name but I didn't want to hear my birthname anymore so I just said I was going by Sam. when I changed it legally I made it Samuel because I no longer related to gender neutrality and I never had a nickname growing up and wanted Sam to be my birthname. Somehow Alexander just came to me as a middle name, I didn't really think about it at all and was doodling things about names and wrote “Samuel Alexander” and was like huh. and didn't think about it for months. and then in class one day I said “guys I don't even have a middle name” and Hailey was looking up names and came up with a couple and wasn't satisfied with her findings and then she found Alexander and was like “ok this one for sure” and I had never even mentioned to her that I was considering Alexander and then I was like well this is it. later I realized that when I was little I usually picked the name Alex as my character names but then decided I couldn't use it because I wasn't cool enough. I still feel like im not cool enough for the name Alex but now I go by Sam to some people and Alex to others 

Marigold: Where did you grow up? Tell us about it.

Jackson, Michigan. I usually thought that it sucked because theres not a lot for like teenagers to do there. but I was never one of those who despised it there, which is how most people who live there feel. now that im in Ann Arbor I realize that there just aren't a lot of opportunities for what society says teenagers should do, but that we made do. I realize now that Jackson is actually pretty rad and I can't wait to go back there tomorrow. I miss it a lot. 

Morning Glory: What was your bedroom like growing up?

really awful lavender walls with pink, green, yellow and blue butterfly decor everywhere. my sister and I shared it and never changed anything about it from the years of 2003-2012 (2012 being when we moved out)

Mugworts: What was it like for you as a teenager? Did you enjoy your teenage years?  

I kind of mentioned this before. It sucked in lots of ways. I was really suicidal for a long time. I hated all of my family situations. I thought I would never amount to anything, I thought I would never have the courage to come out as anything. I didn't think I was gonna go to college. but I also had some really awesome lovely friends in middle and high school, Max, Hailey and Eli in particular. Eli and I have some differing views and don't talk a lot anymore, and Hailey and I had a really bad falling out, but we had no tension it was great. with Max is where most of my “teenage fun” (?) happened tho. he had a car and we did dumb shit like go to Cascades and random parking lots and grocery stores. we smoked weed once and got drunk once. those days were great and I never thought about my family and was never suicidal when I went out with Max on random high school nights

Norwegian Angelica: Tell us about your mom.

we were moderately close when I was really little, and then my parents started getting divorced and some shit went down between us and we didn't talk for 6 months. when I started talking to her again things were very tense. I didn't like her and I didn't want her in my life at all. our relationship is still strained but I love her now and were never going to agree on everything and she's always going to hold to a lot of her ways, and were never going to have the relationship I wish we did. but she's doing her job as a parent now and thats what I care about. she has a very specific personality based off of pop culture and ive kind of developed some of that in my own life. she's hard to explain

Onions: Tell about your dad.  

until I was like 5 I genuinely thought that he hated me, but in reality he was just stressed and worked all the time and didn't really know how to be a parent. we were never exactly close when I was young, I was kind of afraid of him. then the divorce happened and he realized that I am a person with thoughts and feelings and goals and that he was in charge of helping me develop, now all on his own. he didn't do a great job with that transition, and kind of just started treating me as an adult. but it worked. we got really close and stayed that way for a few years. then he got in a new relationship and all of her children moved in with us and they were awfully behaved and him and his girlfriend treated my sister and I as if we were also awfully behaved even though we aren't, so for that time period I had strong feelings that he wasn't being a good parent and was quite frankly being neglectful, which honestly was true. now that they no longer live with us (them? I don't live there anymore) I feel like our relationships is a lot better. could also have something to do with the fact that ive moved out. now that im rebellious and don't care what he thinks my life is a lot better. aside from parenting, he's a really cool person. he plays guitar and has lots of knowledge about musical equipment, he is the reason I took this path in life and he supports me because that was his dream too. he is also so good at being a mechanic like his customers are so loyal that he moved companies and most of them came with him, he's great at it and has so much knowledge. he just in general has a lot of knowledge and great stories and is very funny. I love him a lot

Orchid: Tell about your grandparents.

my Papa (grandpa on dads side) was my entire heart. he loved me more than anything and I felt the same about him. he died when I was 6 and I can't really get more into it because it is one of the saddest thing that has ever happened to me and I don't think I will ever get over it. his wife, my grandma, has surprisingly been one of my most supportive family members with my transition. she took me to France and not any other grandkids. I think im her favorite no offense. I also lived with her for a long time so we're moderately close. now that im older and don't care what my family thinks of me its really easy for me to talk to her. my grandma on my moms side lived with us 4 months of the year but she had some sort of mental problem that never got diagnosed that made it slightly uncomfortable to be around her, but she loved us with her whole heart and I love her too. her husband I only met twice in my life and I don't care about him at all

Petunia: If you’re in a relationship, how did you meet your partner(s)? If you’re not in a relationship, how did you meet your crush/how do you hope to meet your future partner(s), if you want any?

I met my crush by force 

Prairie Gentian: Who is someone you look up to? Describe them.

I don't really have anyone that I look up to in the traditional sense 

Primrose: Describe your ideal life.

in love. making sufficient money off my music that I can take extended break periods and my partner doesn't have to work. having exciting adventures all the time

Rhodendron: What is something you used to believe in as a child?

god. lol

Ricinus: Who’s the most important in your life?

Cammie

Rose: What’s your favorite sound?

not to be narcissistic but genuinely probably when I play a whole song on piano and can feel that im playing everything correctly 

Rosemallows: What’s your favorite memory?

this is an unfair question! I usually put the nerf in the middle of the night at Michaels story because its lit. 

Sage: What’s your least favorite memory?

uhhh being abused. haha

St. John’s Wort: Is it easy or difficult for you to express how you feel about things?

easy when they are social issues or they don't personally affect me. hard if I have to tell another person my personal views on them or something they do

Sunflower: What is something you don’t want to imagine life without?

Cammie

Sweet Pea: How much sleep did you get last night?

like 7 hours with waking up approx 6 times in there 

Tickseed: What’s your main reason to get up every morning?

school. sometimes thats not enough and I don't get up

Touch-Me-Not: How do you feel about your current job?

I don't have a job

Transvaal Daisy: What’s your favorite item of clothing?

I really like my blue/gold/white sweatshirt and the green and orange floral hat im wearing now (bc its from cassis)

Tropical White Morning Glory: Describe your aesthetic.  

gay punk alcoholic wannabe skater kpoppie 

Tulip: What would be the best present to get you?

I reallllyyyy want a Yoongi funko pop at this moment in time. in general I never know.

Vervain: What’s stressing you out most right now?

not knowing if he wants to kiss me as much as I want to kiss him

Wisteria: How many books have you read in the past few months? What were they called?

literally 0. i haven't read a book like last march (?) when I sped read The Kite Runner in 48 hours for a class 

Wolf’s Bane: Where do you want to be in life this time next year?

I have no clue! hahahahahahaaaaaaaaa

Yarrow: Do you know what vore is?

unfortunately 

Zinnia: Give a random fact about yourself.

I want to dye my hair a fun color but am afraid