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firsttimewriter92 · 1 year

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Joel miller x f!reader, angst, reader jealous of Joel's time being taken up by another woman. Reader and Joel have known each other since before the cordyceps so.... Hidden feelings? Eg reader is basically in love w Joel and then gets angry that he is getting all his time taken away. She ignores him for months until he finally talks to her. Big argument blah blah but then at the end fluff again 💞

Puuuhhh, nonny that was a rollercoaster to write but boy, was it fun ;) Thanks for the ask. I hope you like it.

Wordcount: 4.009

Warnings: Heavy angst, loss, jealousy, arguments, panic attack, crying Joel, don´t worry, there is fluff at the end.

5 years after the breakout

Panting, you clutched your rifle to your chest, eyes nervously jumping from left to right. Damn those newly infected. Ugly, little motherfuckers really had no better idea than to jump you out of nowhere. Joel and you had been taken up residency at the Boston QZ. How exactly you had ended up there, you couldn´t remember. The world was in chaos. The shock of how quickly everything had changed still embedded in everybody’s bones. None more so than Joel.

After what happened to Sarah, he became cold, bitter. You understood of course and mourned the sweet young girl still. What you also mourned were the evenings filled with cheesy movies, bad microwave popcorn and laughter until yours and Joels stomachs hurt. Joel used to be your favourite neighbour. Always at the ready to help you out with a leaking sink or a loose floorboard. He was an angel in disguise and you had let him know so multiple times. He always just shook his head, grinning. So, when telling him didn´t do the trick you opted on making him and Sarah dinner a few times a week. It started with a simple casserole you brought over after witnessing Joels poor cooking skills just the day before, when he ran into his back yard with a smoking pan. It all became so natural after a few weeks. And so became the feelings you developed for the handsome, brown eyed man.

And then, one evening, you bolted out your front door towards Joels house in a panic. Where was his truck? Was Sarah still inside? When you called her name frantically, you saw her sprinting out of the Adlers house. Just when you caught up to her, wrapping the shaking girl into your arms, the headlights of Joels truck blinded you. “Get in the Truck!!” he shouted panicked. “Get in, now!”

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Shaking your head angrily, you walked onwards towards the small hole in the wall, well knowing that it would lead you back into the QZ. Five years. It had been five years and you still couldn´t wrap your head around what had happened to the both of you. Joel kept you close, kept his eyes on you at all times for the first couple of months. He had night terrors and sometimes even violent outbreaks. None ever directed at you but now, you knew what he was capable of. He told you he saw you as his last connection to sanity and he would keep you safe for as long as he was able to. You think it would be something to swoon over. But the look in his eyes when he said it was so haunting, empty and guilt ridden, it made you feel sick. Leaving him was not an option. He saved your life so many times over, the debt you owed him could never be repaid. So you stayed. You stayed and watched him become more hollow every day. More violent but also more brilliant in surviving. Hard but occasionally still caring. Like this morning, when you left your shared apartment and he made sure you had more rounds on you than he did. Or when he would pass the sofa and tuck the blanket more securely around your body before making his way heavily over to his own bed.

Still, you never would have thought you would end up a smuggler. Well, smuggler of sorts. Gathering information and selling said information wasn´t as lucrative as one might think, but you got by. Leaving the QZ to make sure your information were solid was your least favourite part of the whole thing tough. You were brilliant at negotiations, which Joel was not. He was the enforcer of what you promised…or threatened. Still, letting you walk back to the QZ all on your own because he just had to meet this smuggler he met, before nightfall made your blood boil. Yes, you weren´t a complete idiot and you could stand your own but just rushing away like that…It was dark now. You stood in front of your building and took a deep breath. You could see that Joel was home.

Slowly you made your way upstairs. You were not looking forward to the conversation ahead. When you opened the door and looked ahead, your mood instantly dropped into the minus zero area. Sitting on the table was Joel, scowling in your direction and next to him sat Tess. Her hand on Joels forearm you felt your blood boil within the fraction of a second. It´s the literal apocalypse and you were jealous and angry at a woman you barely knew. Why? Because she was casually touching the man you still had feelings for. Because he left you on your own to go meet her. You just about had it. And so apparently, did Joel. He stood slowly, looking at you with pinched eyebrows, breathing heavy. You steeled yourself. “Where the fuck have you been?” it was almost a whisper of pure fury. Your stomach knotted when you heard the question. His deep voice and accent rumbling through you and you didn´t know if you liked it or not. You let your bag drop to the floor, never breaking eye contact. “Where you left me” you said coldly. Joel froze. “You knew this was a possibility when we left this morning. I told you our time out there was limited, that I had to get back!” His voice rose with every word and by the time he stood only inches from you, his voice was booming. You didn´t move, looking up at him. Trying so hard to see the man you knew. And you knew he was still there. Joel was hardened, not cold.

“Doesn´t mean you can leave me outside the QZ, in an area we both don´t know yet if it´s crawling with infected or not. And for what?! I shoot my way back while you are in here, making some more fucking plans without me knowing about them and holding hands?! Are you absolutely shitting me, Joel?!?!?!” Needless to say your voice was just as loud as his at this point. All your frustration and yes, fear also bubbling up your throat, making it tight. “If your little smuggling weapons and drugs business gets you what you want, fine. But it´s very easy to see that you don´t intend on making me a part of it.” You tried to move around him but his hand shot out and grabbed your wrist. “The fuck do you mean? Shoot your way back? Where you attacked?!” His eyes went wide when he quickly checked you out. You yanked your wrist from his grip. “Why the hell do you care now?! You didn´t think for one second about that when you sprinted off.” A frustrated groan came from his throat as he pushed both hands down his face.

“I-I think I should probably go” you heard Tess say lowly. Your back turned to them both you only heard some more mumbling from them and then the door shutting. “Are you hurt?” you heard him say. Not turning around you shook your head. Again you heard a long breath escape his nose and you knew he was standing only a few feet behind you. “You are right,” he said next. Ice seemed to fill your insides as you waited for the blow. “I don´t want you around our plans!”

5 years earlier you would have probably shown more of a reaction to something like this. A break up of sorts. You and Joel were not anything more than….friends? Partners? Well, whatever it was, there it goes. Out the window and your body hardened. Schooling your features you turned and looked him in the face. His head was slightly bowed and his shoulders hung. “Look at me” you said. He did and looked like he was trying to stay cold and distant. The lack of emotion on your face or in your voice seemed to piss him off though. “You know, there´s better ways to get rid of me than leaving me alone in an infected area.” That set him off. “Are you kidding me, ___?! You think I want you fucking attacked!? Butchered?!” He stared at you furiously. “Did you think for only one second that maybe, the plans Tess and I have are basically suicide?”

“Then why the FUCK would you-“ you started with a raised voice when he interrupted you. “Because it needs to be done! Don´t you get that? In order to survive, barely so, we need to do things we never thought we had to. And you…You can´t be near that, do you understand?” You looked at him incredulously. “So you just decided that. You. Decided. That. And then left me out there.” He held up his hands in defeat. “That was wrong and I apologize. I shouldn´t have…You could´ve…” his demeanour changed again. Running his fingers through his hair in frustration he sat down on the sofa and kept his head in his hands. You didn´t know what to feel. Fury, disappointment, fear, abandonment and sadness to name only a few. Silently you walked around the apartment gathering some of your clothes all the while wishing nothing more than for Joel to snap out of it and tell you he wanted you with him. But he didn´t. He sat in silence, twitching from time to time and just looking like he was barely hanging on. When you had your essentials together, you looked at him one more time. “I´ll be at your brothers.” He nodded so you knew he heard you. “Joel?” you asked, your voice finally vibrating with sadness and a little pleading. “You know I would have sticked to your side, right? I experienced these past five years as well, I am not naïve. At least I had you.” By the time the door closed behind you and you only took a couple of steps, did the tears roll down your face. The same moment you heard glass shattering in the apartment you just left.

6 weeks later

“Tommy, I swear to god, one more word about the fireflies and I will fucking end you” you groaned when you plopped down on the chair, leaning heavily onto the table. Tommy smirked and nodded his head. “Alright, alright. Don´t bite my head off. I used to enjoy this side of you when it was directed at Joel.” He understood his mistake immediately. “Sorry”, he murmured setting down the canned Ravioli in front of you. Your stomach twisted painfully at the mention of Joels name. Almost every night tears would stain your cheeks, your dreams were haunted by an injured Joel or worse. Tommy had listened to the parts of the story you wanted to tell, thankfully staying neutral, not saying much. He provided you with a roof over your head and some rations until you figured out what to do or where to go. You felt lost, like you finally started to find a purpose in this cursed world, beside someone you cared about, loved even and then, it was ripped away from you. He didn´t want you with him. It´s what he said. That truth was harder to swallow than anything you ever experienced. He decided that you couldn´t make it beside him anymore. He decided you were too fragile for this world. Why was he risking his life? For what? A couple more food rations? Ammunition for guns that were more necessary than ever.

Poking your ravioli and musing about your situation, you jumped several inches in the air when three loud bangs rattled the rusty door. “Tommy!” Your heart nearly gave out when you heard Joels muffled voice from behind the door. It sounded strangely strained. Tommy immediately jumped to his feet, as did you. When he unlocked the door and pulled it open, Joel stumbled inside, clutching his left shoulder. Panic flooded your system when you saw the blood pouring from between his fingers.

“Joel, what the fuck happened?” Tommy put his arm around his waist and guided him towards the couch. “Get tweezers or something” Joel grit out through his teeth. “It´s still lodged in there.” You were already hurrying over to them with the make shift first aid kit. Only now, Joel seemed to realise where exactly he stumbled in. With a white face he stared at you like he had never seen you before. “___”, he whispered. You barely held back your panicked expression or the lump in your throat when you began to rummage through the first aid kit for the tweezers. When you found them you knelt in front of him and looked him square in the face. You really hoped your expression was blank, void of any emotion. But you knew better. For six weeks you pined over a man that didn´t want you. You cried yourself to sleep, worried yourself sick. Of course there was no way your face said nothing. Especially when seeing him hurt. “Take your shirt off” you simply said. Joel hissed when he awkwardly and with Tommys help removed his checked shirt first, then his T-shirt. It wasn´t the first time you saw his torso but like all the other times your heart began to race and you were once again remined of your immense attraction to him. Worst moment possible. When you disinfected the tweezers and took a first look at his wound, Joel didn´t seem to be able to look away from you. “___, I´m sorry” he whispered almost inaudibly. “Don´t” you said quickly, trying not to cry. “Not now…later.” He nodded and tried to stay still as you got to work.

Half an hour later the bullet was out and Joel patched up. He still sat on the sofa when you packed everything up and went to wash your hands. Tommy left to get some more supplies when he saw that you needed all the gauze he had. Standing over the sink you started to scrub at your hands. When they started to shake you knew the inevitable was coming. This hadn´t happened for quite a while. The attacks started after your first encounter with an infected. The first time you had to shoot to kill. You could feel the sweat gathering on your temple, you heart thumping uncontrollably. Why was it to cold in here? Silent tears fell onto your hands when you tried to scrub them harder, more manically. You didn´t hear Joel get up or moving closer to you. So when he said your name in a worried tone only a few steps behind you, you spun around with a yelp. Stumbling backwards a sob wrecked your whole body. “Woa woa woa,___!” Joel hurried over to you. His big hand grasping your shoulder he bent his head to look into your eyes. His expression was one of pure regret and self-loathing. Being within his vicinity again your sobs came out more violently. Joel just surged forward and hugged you to his chest as hard as he could and dared. Pressing his lips to the top of your head he whispered apology after apology to you while you let out all your pent up sadness, anger and confusion. After a couple of moments your anger took over and you started to push him away. Wiping at your face angrily you stared him down. He was standing up as best he could, no doubt bracing himself. “What the shit happened to you, Joel? Why are you here of all places?!”

“It was the only place I could think of” he said quietly. “Not your own? Or Tess´?” you snarked. He hung his head and shook it. “Tess doesn´t know. We weren´t together.” “Oh! Perfect! First, she get´s you into this shit business and then she doesn´t even make sure you´re not hurt?! Are you shitting me?” You grumbled that last part more to yourself than him. “She´s not supposed to look after me. I asked for a batterie and she told me how to get it. That´s all. I´m…I´m the one continuing what she taught me.” “Why?” you asked him in a whispered, pleading tone. “Why would you risk your life like this?”

“___”, he said a bit louder. “You see what happened to people once everything fell apart. There´s people out there doing worse things than what an infected would do. Doing what I´m doing makes sure I know what´s going on. Gives us supplies.” That did it. “Us?” you said calmly. “ Well, I´m very glad you and Tess have enough supplies while your brother-“

“I´m not talking about Tess an´ me , god damn it!” He huffed out an annoyed breath and started pacing. “Why are you so hung up on her? She didn´t do anything to you.”

“She puts you in danger, Joel. She makes you reckless and by introducing you to that world she took you from me!” Your hand slapped itself across your mouth the moment you said it. Joel stared at you, unblinking. “Take me from you? ___, you were the one who left! I´m sorry I went and met up with Tess. I´m sorry! When you didn´t come home by the time I thought you would I was losing my mind! Tess stayed and made sure I wasn´t going crazy. That is it!”

He looked at you pleadingly, like he was trying to force the truth of his words right into your brain. And it worked. You calmed down somewhat and suddenly felt bad. “You…” you started and swallowed hard. “You said you didn´t want me around anymore.” He came closer again and you let him. Tentatively he reached his uninjured arm out to you and held your face. “You misunderstood me, sweetheart” he said lowly. His face changed into a raw and open expression. One you hadn´t seen since before the breakout. Tears gathered in your eyes again. There he was. Your Joel. Saying what you had wished for to be the truth.

“I said, I didn´t want you anywhere near our plans because they are dangerous. I don´t worry about Tess out there,___. She´s been doing this for a very long time.” He came even closer until he stood only a breath away from you. You closed your eyes and waited. His forehead made contact with yours when he spoke again. “What I am worried about is your wellbeing, your safety, your happiness.” A quiet tear made it´s way down your cheek and he immediately wiped it away. “I wouldn´t be able to look out for you. And quite frankly, that scares the fuck out of me.” You nodded your head gently and grasped his shirt with both hands. “The last six weeks…” he heaved a sigh. “I wasn´t myself. One job after another got my mind occupied at least somewhat. But at night-“ at that his voice broke and you just grasped his shirt even harder. “I need you to understand that I didn´t want you to leave. Or think I didn´t want you around me. That´s not the case…never the case.”

“Then why didn´t you explain it to me? Why´d you let me leave?” you asked pleadingly. He shook his head and with a hushed voice he said, his lips whispering against your forehead “I don´t know, honey. I don´t know, I´m so so sorry. Maybe I saw it as an opportunity to keep you away from all this. I thought….at least she´s safe.” You needed him closer. With still wet cheeks you closed the distance and wound your arms around his neck and burying your face in his neck. His good arm around your waist he pulled you into him as much as he could. “I´m so sorry” you whimpered. “I´m sorry I left. I´m sorry you always have to look out for me”.

“No, no no no no, sweetheart. Don´t do that. I know you can take care of yourself. It´s my own ambition to keep you safe. Keep you with me. I can´t lose you too, I can´t.” You strengthened the grip around his neck for a moment before you leaned back at bit to look at him. “Don´t send me away and I´ll be right next to you for as long as I live, Joel.” You tried to smile at him but it was a grimace at best. His eyes went wide and you could see a definite wetness in them. “You remember before it all happened?” he asked. You nodded. “Of course”, you whispered.

He was still holding you to him, his forehead returning to yours. “Let´s pretend for a moment”, he whispered. “Let me pretend it´s 2003. We´re having a Barbeque in my back garden. You are wearing that perfect blue dress, preparing veggies for…for Sarah.” You saw the wetness in his eyes spill over. He was crying. “We eat, we laugh, we drink and when it´s late and Sarah is in bed…” he choked on his voice. “Let me pretend I finally have the guts to ask you out on a real date. Let me pretend you´d say yes.” Your heart almost gave out. “Yes.” You immediately whispered. “Joel, yes. Any day. Apocalypse or not, I say yes.” Through his tears he exhaled sharply, smiling. “Joel, I´ve been infatuated with you since the beginning. I´ve been staying with you because I´m in love with you.” His head snapped up quickly. Staring at you as if you had grown another head and you found the strength to chuckle. Your hands went to his face, framing it. “Sorry for being so forward” you said sweetly. “But I thought it´s now or never. No misunderstandings anymore. I can´t handle another.” He nodded, still staring at you. “You don´t have to say any-Hmmmpf”.

His lips were on yours the next moment. Your mind blank you rested your hands at the back of his neck and pulled him further into you. His hand at the side of your waist balled up into a fist then relaxed again. Moving his mouth over yours gently but with purpose he let out a little groan. Your head seemed to be filled with air and the blood in your ears was rushing. You had no idea how long you stood there, just giving each other long, open mouthed kisses, touching each other gently. When you finally separated you looked into Joels eyes. They were dry now and shone happily and with so much affection, your throat went dry.

“I´m in love with you,___” Joel said with a gravelly voice, smiling timidly at you. You couldn´t help the grin that split your face. “For five years I wondered what kind of relationship we had. I knew I couldn´t leave you”, he said. “But year after year, relationship worries seemed to become so unimportant and I lost sight of how I felt before everything went to shit. I´m sorry.” You shook your head. “Don´t apologise. I know what you mean.” He smiled. “Nevertheless, I fell for you hard, from casserole number one. Over the years, seeing you adjust to every situation we were in…sticking with me…I really should have more faith in you.” You looked at him softly and kissed him again. “Joel, it´s okey. I understand what you mean. I…I also can´t bear the thought of you being in danger. So, please. Let me stay with you.” This time his hand went to your cheek when he pulled you in and kissed you hard. Almost desperately he held onto you, carefully licking your lower lip. Your heart jumped into your throat as you opened up to him. Gliding his tongue across yours gently he let out a satisfied hum. He pulled back. “Never lettin´ you go again. I swear” he breathed against your lips.

Smiling, you looked him deep in the eyes. “I love you, Joel” you said. The corner of his eyes crinkled in the way you loved so much. “I love you” he repeated. “I´ll protect you. So stay with me.”

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