angellurgy
sillygirl shithead
Allure, adult, it/she, tma transsexual dyke ♡ writer and artist // martryed faggot // divinity machine // your favourite little mousedog ᘛ⁐̤ᐷ
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im so fucking tired i wish any of the friends i was finally talking to before still loved me. idk what i can fucking do bc msging does nothing, im just fucking empty. its like they want me to kick the bucket i dont. get it
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hiiii viscera here, i hate to ask but i am currently struggling with like, an insurmountable amount of credit on top of trying to pay rent I can barely cover, all off a garbage minimum wage paycheck that my body can barely handle working for. i am a tgirl getting just pulverized under capitalism :/
if anyone can help, that would be greatly appreciated. my paypal is here, and if you're in Canada you can dm for e-transfer details.
also if you're interested, i have a fansly for $5/month!! (ill also do customs on there for you if u want :3)
tysm for the support, if you can help :(
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guess who just got covid :] what a great fucking time to be hated by everyone. i feel so ill
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shotgunning hits to her unborn baby through her pussy
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unwashed tgirl hole be tasting good asf when you aint got a bitch in your ear telling you its nasty
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im angellurgy on discord too btw. its much easier for me to respond there. not that anyone i know/need would want to message me there anyway but yea
#gonna start fake normal posting so i can either die and have no one expect it or maybe be given any attention#at all
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i just. need so badly right now to be messaged by people on here just to. know im remembered/thought of ig. even if ive left some people on sent.. idk, its probably too much to ask for since im me, i guess.
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hey so i have literally 4 dollars in my account rn, i know everyones pretty broke right now but um im coming off of spending all of yesterday throwing up n not eating anything and i could really use just. enough to get anything to eat today, at least. sorry.
broke mentally ill tgirl onto my 5th blog now, you may know me as sapphicinsatin
homeless atm, my paypal is here if you can donate, anything at all makes a big difference and is greatly appreciated.
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whats the point? i spend all week attempting or vomiting my guts out or rotting while i wait and nothing fucking happens. nothing works. and nothing fucking changes. no one cares. no one thinks of me. almost no one even remembers my name. i guess im just infinitely worse than those people already have, why would you even think about "allure"?
(Let's just ignore how people caring about me was the only thing that kept me alive before, and now i don't even have that, i guess.)
why do people like az and titania think its fair to abandon (and smear) a girl for being sad? for wanting? why can i not make mistakes? why does 1 mistake = abandonment and utter social exclusion? hell, not even big mistakes. caring about a suicidal girl is just too much, i guess. i fucking WANTED to live, but everyone gave up on me. everyone gave up on me the minute i showed my face. only caring when im gone, just like i knew you would.
if i died now, would anyone even miss me? i dont even think mom would at this point. im just too much of an encumbering nuisance. no one will care that this girl died. shes just a drop in the bucket. you only care when someone you *actually* care about says something. not when i need it. i wish i could be given the care you people pretend to give your sisters.
im sorry. im sorry that i dont know how to handle being unloved. im sorry that i dont deserve your care, or something. i don't know what else i can do. in the moments when i do consider living i am flooded w reminders of how near everyone ignores and avoids me now. how you all hate me. i don't know what i can do except die, when you leave me no other choice. i want to live but its like thats just not something thats meant for me.
sorry for posting again. i know none of you want to hear from me. i know you'd rather i disappeared into the nothingness. sorry.
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journal entry, may 30th 2024
i feel myself rotting from the inside. nothing brings the same joy it once did. ‘once’ being a time i can't even remember.
when i was a kid, i was free. i was alive. i know its common for trans women, we all lose something of ourselves growing up, probably. but the isolation took too much from me. it took my soul.
i used to be so cheerful, so outgoing. so uncaring of what others thought of me, so emotional. being forced into that room, a constant terror, i had nothing to leave the house for, no friends, no hope. i remember sitting on the dining room table, the only place wifi worked, from the moment i woke up to the moment my father came home, talking constantly to the only people i had, my discord ldrs, people who thought i was 16 when i was 13, people who loved me for the face i put on and who would listen to at least some of my cries.
i wish i fucking killed him. i shouldve taken that fucking knife and stabbed him over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over. why was i so fucking stupid, to think me going to jail would change my life at all? everyone i know’s lives would be further improved by my utter absence of it. if i could be struck by a device that erased me from everyones memories, my friends would only be happier. mom would be happier without that breakdown. mutt would've been. all of them would. the only one who wouldnt is knives, and ive accepted that evil (selfishness) of my desire to die
it isnt some attempt at self depreciation, it is an acknowledgement of my place in this world. it may not inherently be better with my absence, but many people’s worlds would be.
its fucking stupid, really, what started this all on. my envy of those with more, my desire for a dad which i knew would never come to fruition, my desire for a family in general, my gradual loss of friendliness with my irl isolation alongside all of it, my failed attempts to make myself message mutuals like dadsmell or femboytorturer (especially stupid, i barely know her, but still. the point was in my general failure of not speaking.) then it all . spiraled. when i felt the cold that first time i was so happy that i might die. the guilt i was wracked with when i lived was so much worse than the terror i felt before it. so i hid, and tried again, and hid, until i had no choice, until i broke, talked to suffer, until i was brought to azriels.
that moment gave me an ounce of hope, hearing that i would have a friend in this city who wanted to hang out with me often and help me some too. its a shame i was a bit rude that one time in the depths of it. and its a shame he used that moment to tell people i attacked him days prior when i hadnt. i missed the show right after, the first show i was ever gonna be able to go to. we were sposed to go together. but. i dont really get to have fun like the other girls. all ive wanted for so long is to go to a show and dance, ive never danced, really. im too scared. it wouldve made so much better. idk why he. why that. had to happen, i actually felt good and tried for a day or two, until that happened.
ever since then its been worse and worse. i remember that nice puppygirl mutual who sent me puppy hugging gifs in my asks when i was sad, i remember miyoria checking in on me, after the cold of not talking for so long, after that server left me to rot. i remember getting to talk to soxy for the first time in so long. i remember trianon almost visiting, i remember us calling. i remember finally getting to dm w piper, and a lot of my favourite mutuals. i remember feeling good from all of that. the little bit of good i could. and now they're gone. the dying girls strife is too much to bear for so long- i already gave mom the worst breakdown, i wouldnt be surprised if i hurt more like this too. and yet i still love them. i guess its my fault, for letting myself fall like this. for killing myself.
when knives came, and helped me with my passport. its presence was so fucking good. but even if the passport goes through, i now have no one i care about who would even take me in, unlike before, when the offers were common. now i am rotten in the eyes of the beasts. this carcass is no good. i guess knives leaving was the nail in the coffin. that it doesn't get better. everyone forgets you, no matter what you do. youre hopeless, girl, all that you could've been is gone now. im sorry i couldnt have been a person . i rlly wanted to be and to try.
allure, you poor poor rotten girl. you were built to die, and nothing more. you were meant to be killed and feasted on. you were right when you said that this would make everything worse, you were right when you said that the world is not yours, and most sadly, you were right when you screamed out, with nothingness in your voice. was “allure” ever even real in the first place. was i? was she? you won't answer, i know you won't.
ive gained at least 200 followers on tumblr since this started. and i havent felt so alone in a long time. my attempts were less lonely than this. the few people who are left, i can barely even message often because of the crippling murderous cloud in my head, brought on by everything prior. i wish i couldve gotten a fucking chance.
i used to be, at least somewhat liked. people liked my little kink posts, i got some mutuals i could comnect w and who i thought were cool, who i rlly wanted to connect with. people thought i was cute, some people even wanted to play games w me, (thanks margo, love her) but now theres fucking. nothing. when i post online with an attempt at talking again i am left utterly hopeless.
and still, this has mostly just been my online strife. not to fucking mention the physical life, the way i have been left stranded every time ive been at a hangout, the way tgirls only think of me as ‘cute’ instead of anything actually tangibly good. not to mention the fucking uselessness of my soul and the rotten pit in my mind. im mentally ill, but in all the ways that make you a faker and an idiot and unloveable and imfuckingpossible, non existent. not real.
i miss you, my life. i miss you. i miss the little things i had, even thought i know that that isolation wouldve still killed me. a girl can only handle having all her interaction being vcing in a server of ppl who willfully ignore her for the more attractive and ‘good autistic’ ppl for so long before something snaps.
i miss you, my friends, the friends who will probably never talk to me again, the friends i havent heard from since this all began, i still miss and love. because i am ruined. god i miss them so bad. i wish i had a chance to have a life irl, hell i wish i had a chance to have a life even just on tumblr right now, but im being killed.
i cant write more. my throat has been torn and my hands have been assaulted. and my head is still dying of fog.
but i hate that im alive right now, i hate that i couldnt die yesterday. i hate that i am even here to write this, disappointing all, especially myself, especially her. fuck i miss her. all i can do now is keep trying whenever i can and let everyone give up so i will fade from memory even faster. its all i have, when no one is present.
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how much love does it take, to keep a girl sane?
is it quantifiable? Is it inordinate?
is it a lake? is it a puddle?
is it breath of air, or is it a hurricane?
can you give her a family? or would it take a village to even dent the exterior?
is a village too much to ask for?
does she know what the love is?
can you wane her off until its easy?
can you starve her until she appreciates what she has? (will she?)
how much love does it take, to make a life worth living?
can you live without love? can you live in a bubble of hate?
can you wade through the masses of bodies and come out sane?
can you dive into the depths, and find something to stay for?
or will you drown, with no one to share with you their oxygen?
love is tangible, more than she.
love is warm, unlike she.
love is friendly, something she can't be.
if love is contradictory to your very form, is it something you will ever see?
is the love she gets real? is the love she gets expressed?
or is it the love of a specter, of a dullahan.
what is the purpose of love, if love will disappear into the night when you need it most? if it'll shatter from the pressure like glass?
is the cage love?
is the maze love?
are the games you play with a straight face, love?
she can't tell
i can't tell.
can you?
how much love does it take, to keep a girl sane?
how much love does it take, to keep her alive?
how much love, until she can smile again?
how much love, until she can feel real again?
how much love? how much?
do you care to find out? do you care to help?
is she a lost cause? is she a rotten husk?
it doesnt have to be all she is, but what choice does she hold
all she wants is an answer,
one she will never have.
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My name is sweetest little angel. I'm 11 years old and my favorite things are not voting and telling strangers to kill themselves
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i love how i just. have urls and names of people im sposed to be friends or like 'cool' with running through my head 24/7 every single day just, thinking dreaming of how nice it would be if any of them at all messaged me. just, waiting in silence for a love that never comes. hoping anyone wouldve remembered me. and they never do. im so fucking pathetic. i didnt want to burn bridges, i just wanted love. but im fucking pathetic. sorry
well, i stayed w the girl til the morning. so now its time to do it. i kept my shit open all day on the off chance one of ya whos supposed to be my 'friend' wanted to talk but i got nothing. not even from my sisters or my mother, for so long. so. im gonna go back and delete all the vent posts and everything else i can that could hint at my death. we'll keep it a snapshot of what happens if you dare to try and end things, i guess. im sorry i couldnt keep your love and attention. i dont want to blame anyone. i dont want to be bad. it hurts so bad to die like this.
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well, i stayed w the girl til the morning. so now its time to do it. i kept my shit open all day on the off chance one of ya whos supposed to be my 'friend' wanted to talk but i got nothing. not even from my sisters or my mother, for so long. so. im gonna go back and delete all the vent posts and everything else i can that could hint at my death. we'll keep it a snapshot of what happens if you dare to try and end things, i guess. im sorry i couldnt keep your love and attention. i dont want to blame anyone. i dont want to be bad. it hurts so bad to die like this.
#you got like. a couple hours ig#i guess. before i get to the park.#maybe. idk#you wont anyway. so its fine
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howdy loves!! would yall be willing to spare some change so i can get food and gabapentin and some jeans buttons to fix my overalls and maybe buy minecraft since its on sale and also get a new charger and also save up to pay the freaking 475 for a neurologist appointment and also i need to find a new place to live!! you know how it is!!
https://www.paypal.me/anzavelle
pls rb! thank you 💕💕💕
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mom? can i come stay with you for a couple days? no, nothing's wrong, i just...yeah. yeah, something's wrong. i don't wanna talk about it. i just don't wanna be alone for a little bit. i can help cook and clean and do chores while i'm there --- or i can just let you take care of me. if that's what you want. okay. okay, could you pick me up tonight? thank you. i love you, mom. i'll see you soon
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