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sprout-fics · 1 year

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Stitches (Part Two)

(Simon "Ghost" Riley x F!Medic "Fix" Reader)

Part Three of Snowblind

Rating: Mature Wordcount: 7.2k Tags: Slow Burn, Heavy Angst, Trauma, Found Family, Taskforce 141, Team Dynamics, Major Character Injury, Whump, Hurt/Comfort, Unreliable Narrator, Self Esteem Issues, Referenced Familial abuse, Hospitalization, Self Sabotage Warnings: Explicit Injury mention, Forced sedation A/N: I'm in so much pain

Wakefulness comes in small doses, glimpses of another realm you've yet to enter. There's no physical sensation beyond the weight of your body, the effort it takes for your eyes to flutter open only for a mere moment before being forced to close once more. Like dreams, the world slips through your grasp, colors and sounds wavering like dyed mist. You struggle against it, feeling somehow like you're under water, trying desperately to swim to the surface even as you sink further down. Bubbles float up and away, the brilliant shimmering reflection of the waves above a taunt to your fatigue.

There's voices, spoken like they're warbled through water. There's the sound of waves in your ears, distant, churning and rhythmic. They crash against your thoughts, leave you scrubbed raw, bleached by the sun. Every time you try to wake, to stand, the force of the sea breaks over your head, forces you back down.

Between them, you can hear voices speaking, words indiscernible. You can make out the sounds, hear tones dipping soft and low with concern, mumbled conversations you can't make out.

You don't know how long you last like that, because every instance you get close to wakefulness there's pain, deep and unrelenting. Every breath forces a ragged, wet inhale that summons a docile touch, a hushed reassurance, and once more you're lost at sea.

It's unclear what is a dream and what isn't. You think you hear Gaz's voice, talking for some time, and his words are soft, almost sad. There's a distant, forlorn echo of him that curls beside you in the deep, whispers a sempiternal lullaby to you as you float inside the abyss. You think at one point you can make out sentences from one of your novels. You try and reach for Gaz- and find the calloused grip of his palm against yours moments before you're tugged back under into the evanescent depths.

Soap appears, talks with someone quieter, someone that you think you know. He hovers at the edge of your unconsciousness, skims across your thoughts like passing shadows. Yet the touch of him isn't cold. When you hear him stand at your beside, in the absence of others, you feel the presence of him weigh down on you, as if Ghost too, resides within the abyss.

He's gone before you struggle to the surface.

Soap talks to you like he would a conversation partner. His voice is light, cheery, but it contains falsities. You can hear the strain under it, listen to his words as they sometimes waver in his throat. There's a distant drone of a TV flickering with advertisements that pop with cheery tunes and colors as Soap watches. It summons a rare burst of clarity to you, the realization that you're no longer on base with the limited medical staff and rooms absent of much more than a cot and basic medical equipment. They must have taken you to a civilian hospital, but the reason why remains a mystery as once again you succumb to sleep.

You brush against full wakefulness when the lights go dim, and it's Price's voice that manages to bypass the haze of drowsiness. You hear him talking to someone who doesn't seem to be there, tone low, concerned.

"Yeah. Yeah I know...No. Not yet."

"You...just should have seen her, Kate. Scared, terrified, like some injured, sick animal. I...haven't seen anyone with eyes like that since...yes. You know what he was like. Wouldn't let anyone touch him. Can't blame him. Not after that."

"But that was...there's nothing like that on her file. She's never...no."

"Just...Christ, Kate. What happened to her?"

Darkness drowns you once again.

When you do at last wake fully, it's to the steady beep of a heart monitor, the low drone of a TV, and the smell of black tea.

There's something over your face, and when you reach a hand up to touch it you groan at just how heavy you feel, dizzy and weighed down.

"Jumping Jesus!" The person next to you flinches at your noise, clearly unprepared for your wakefulness. There's a moment before the world begins to focus and Kyle's face hovers over you, face in hopeful disbelief.

"Fix!" He breathes, clearly overjoyed, and the reaction seems severe for what you think you're feeling. The pain is muted now, and when you take a deep inhale there's not as much tightness as there was before. Something inside your chest feels different, somehow, clearer.

You try and talk, but your voice is muffled by whatever is strapped to your face, and quickly Kyle vanishes, talks with someone outside the door. There's a flurry of movement, and it only creates a further dizzying world around you, makes you groan as the lights switch on. There's hands, and when you flinch it's Kyle's voice that keeps you steady, holds your hand in both of his.

"Hey, easy. They're just getting you all settled, doll. Focus on me, yeah?"

You try to, even as the nurse tells you to take a deep breath, and then gently unstraps an oxygen mask from your face. She asks a few questions, which you answer with varying degrees of cognizance, until she makes a note and vanishes.

All the while Kyle talks to you in slow, steady murmurs, draws you back to him like an anchor, tethering you from the fear and confusion.

"What happened?" You manage at last when the nurses clear, voice grinding against the back of your throat like gravel. You wince at the horrific scrape there, feeling like someone has forced your mouth far too wide for far too long. The dry walls of your throat, tacky and gypsum, seals itself together like velcro, forcing a sputtering cough that only alerts you to the horrible, bone deep ache in your chest.

"Careful." Kyle warns you once more, as you try and grip a hand to your chest. Your fingers fist into unfamiliar fabric, an IV taped to the back of your wrist. Someone's changed your clothes. You're only in a cotton hospital gown now, and the knowledge of that alone has your heart racing higher in your throat, seeking reason in the midst of confusion and growing panic.

"Where am I?" You try, hating the way your voice wavers with fearful confusion, the warble of your hoarse words.

"St. George's hospital, off base." Gaz tells you gently. He's caught your other hand between his own, smoothes his thumb over the dry back of it in a paltry attempt to distract you. "There weren't medical facilities on base to handle you."

"Handle me?" You ask, and with every word you feel your voice returning. Even so, your senses feel cloudy, cloaked in a fuzzy, uncomfortably haze. The lights are too bright, the TV flickers with advertisements which feel too vibrant for your sleep addled brain. Kyle himself seems to blur strangely as your eyes adjust to your strange new surroundings. You find him in the midst of it- lost, wary, already ready to flee.

Kyle looks distraught then, as he watches the expressions flicker across your face. Then, slowly, he unravels to you the tale of your journey.

"You tore your stitches." He tells you at first, and you fix him with your stare because you know that's not it, nothing as light as that could have landed you in the hospital like this.

"Your...lung got blocked, somehow. Got blood into it. They had to intubate you and drain the fluid. Something got missed and you..." He swallows then, looks a little sick, eyes a little lost, almost frightened. "You developed an infection. They had to put you under so they could intubate you, and even then..."

He looks at you then, and despite the tight draw of his mouth there's something in his gaze that looks less like the steely resolution of a soldier and more of a friend, someone who nearly lost you.

"You nearly died, Fix." He mutters at last, and his eyes fall from yours, his brow scrunching in clear distress, hands tightening over yours. "You were so pale and barely breathing. We thought..."

You blink at him, and your chest feels a different kind of tightness now, a winding anxiety that coils in your chest, makes the outline of you shiver. It takes a moment for the immense weight of his words to sink into you. Yet when they do you can't contain a dry swallow at the whisper of the reaper across your nape, ghosting his skeletal fingers across the exposed flesh of you, tries to coax you into his cold embrace.

"How long?" You ask, voice rusty with disuse. There's a tremor there you've long since forgotten, an anxiety that lays dormant inside of you, a thing to never be shown to those who might glimpse at the fractured interior of you.

Kyle's face falls, he looks away. You feel your stomach sink with despair.

"Six days."

The world stills as you suck in a breath, so deep it hurts your bruised and battered lungs, feels much too like inhaling the cold, biting mix of frost atop the summit of your own failures. The memory of snow blindness, of huddling in the dark and freezing, praying for your body to hold out a little longer, curls around you like a sheet of white, engulfs you into shocked silence.

Six days.

Six weeks.

All of this, for six seconds of not paying attention.

Kyle must see the distress on your face as something else, as a flash of fear at your would-be fate, because he's leaning over you and trying to gently shake you from your thousand-yard stare.

"Hey, hey, you're okay." He murmurs, hands rising up to your shoulders now. "You're a fighter, yeah? You made it. You're okay."

You swallow, and the stickiness of your throat helps prevent you from speaking. You want to tell him, want for a horrifying moment to admit the truth: that you'd rather never wake up than disappoint them again. The realization summons a faint stab of pain, a distant, obscure thing you've nearly forgotten about. Mourning, for the person that the paralysis of fear has transformed you into.

You wonder then, if when you look in the mirror, if it will still be you who looks into your eyes, and not somehow a stranger.

Suddenly there's footsteps echoing down the hallway, and both you and Kyle startle as not one, but three figures hover in the doorway.

"You're awake!"

Soap manages to push his way past Price, and you ignore the grimace on your captain's face in favor of the pure relief that rolls off the sergeant. He's by your side in two large strides, just as Gaz leans back to give you some more space, not willing to crowd you in after such a rude awakening. You look over his shoulder to Price, and then to Ghost, who lingers just beyond the threshold, as if afraid to haunt what should be a joyous occasion.

"Steamin' Jesus it's good to see you." Soap breathes, and leans over you much like a brother would, takes your frail form into his arms with a delicacy you didn't know he possessed. The embrace lingers as he presses a hand to your hair, tucks you into his shoulder.

It's warm. You can smell his clothes, clean laundry and standard military issued bath soap, can just barely feel the dampness of a recent shower cling to his skin. He feels scrubbed clean, anew and fresh, and it feels far too pristine for the grimy things that dwell inside of you.

He leans back after a moment too long, and there's a part of you that feels like it isn't nearly long enough. His hands clasp onto your shoulders as he holds you at arm's length, head tilting as he looks over your face, brow knotting at the exhaustion he finds there.

"How do you feel?" He asks softly, and your expressions changes before you can help it, feeling an asymmetric thump of your heart at just how concerned he is, absent of disappointment, of any indication of frustration.

"I'm okay." You whisper back and blame the lack of conviction in your voice on the soreness of your throat, the fatigue that draws across you like a shroud.

Soap grins, but the smile doesn't meet his eyes. There's something there that lingers like a bitter aftertaste, something you don't yet know, but the gaze of it sets your heart to flutter in panic.

It almost looks like grief.

"Give her some space, Soap." A voice from behind him declares, and Soap twists to reveal both Price and Ghost. You can still smell the smoky, acrid scent of cigars on your captain, and as your eyes dart down you think you see the outline of the case in the pocket of his jacket.

He leans on the wall in front of you, exhales through his nose. You feel your heart murmur in apprehension at the silent, appraising look on his face. The air in your chest feels too tepid, sickly and warm as his gaze slides over to Gaz, and then back to you.

"Garrick gave you the rundown, then?"

You nod, swallow, wince at the hard scrape of your throat. Fortunately, Soap seems to notice instantly, and after a brief murmur to himself and a turn, he supplies you with a bottle full of cool water, which you suck down gratefully. You ignore the shudder inside of you as he soothes a hand over your back as you drink, nearly splutter as you swallow. It feels like he's touching something small, soft, breakable. Something that isn't you.

Yet you take your time, ignoring the tremble of your hands as Price's gaze never leaves you. With each sip you feel your throat restored, and yet the weight of unspoken words hangs heavy over you all. Oppressive. Imminent.

He knows. A voice whispers. He knows now that you aren't who you say you are. That you're nothing more than a pretender, that you don't deserve this.

Your eyes shift under Price's gaze as you hand the bottle back to Soap with a small murmur of thanks. The smile he gives you doesn't reach his eyes. Yet he stays by your side, one arm pressed in a feather-light touch to your back as he looks up at Price. Attentive, watching, guarding.

Price's eyes flick to him for only a moment, but there's silent words there you don't understand- a meaning conveyed between the two of them that lingers like a bitter aftertaste.

Yet Price relents, strangely, under Soap's stare. He heaves a sigh, drags a hand over his face, and it's only then that you notice the heavy bags under his eyes, a telltale lack of sleep coloring his complexion.

"How's your pain?" He asks instead. "We can get a nurse for you, probably get some pills in you if it's too much."

You blink, press a hand to your tender throat, let it drift down to your chest. You poke and prod for a moment, absorbing, noting, checking in with your body to catalogue the aches there, try to discern the physical from the phantom.

"My...chest hurts a bit." You supply after a moment, hesitantly. "And my throat, but it's...manageable."

Your mind summons the memory of agony before you fell unconscious. Of the horrific, clawing pain in your side that seemed to fissure outwards, clinging to your veins, your ribs, your lungs. This now, the pain that occurs only when you breathe too deeply, the lingering ache that you can't separate from your own anxiety...

You've lived with this pain for a while now.

Price nods, but otherwise remains silent, offering little insight into the dark, stormy heaviness of his gaze as it rests on you.

You swallow, feeling suddenly like Price can see you, can see through you, looking through the transparency of your form.

The whole room feels too heavy, too quiet. There's shifting glances between the men around you as they communicate silently through their eyes, have whole conversations you aren’t privy to.

You swallow, force a nervous smile as you turn from Price to Soap, then to Gaz, meeting both of their hard, averted stares.

"Damn, what's the matter with you guys? Thought you'd all be happy to see me wake up." You try, but your voice wavers, and it betrays the nervous energy that sparks inside of you, barely contained.

"O-of course we are!" Soap blurts out beside you and reaches his hand up to tousle your greasy, unkempt hair. "Was tellin' Gaz you’re a cat with nine lives, hard as shite to kill."

The lightness of his voice seems to shake loose the tense atmosphere between you all, drains the grey and ruin from the room and replaces it with something more vibrant.

Gaz smiles then, and even if it's halfhearted you drink in the sight of his expression like warm, honeyed tea.

"You were the one pacing in the hall and muttering to yourself, Soap." He supplies, and Soap scoffs, taking a step back to wave a dismissive hand at his friend.

"Because the Rangers match was going to shite." He declares, spreading his arms dramatically for emphasis. "I wasnae worried. Not for a single second."

"I had to order you to go back to base and shower." Price grumbles, voice low. Yet there's a fondness to his annoyance that tugs your lips into a smile.

Soap manages a look of mock offense. "Yer' callin me stink, now Cap?" He asks, feigning hurt. "I've smelled your ripe scent in the trenches before and lemme tell you-"

"For a bloke named 'Soap' you really do smell sometimes." Gaz pipes up helpfully, and you turn to see the sly grin crawling across his face, eyes dancing with mischief.

"Oh, smell my boggin arse y-"

"Already have, mate, that's why I'm tellin' you."

"I think you smelled nice and clean." You offer up at Soap, and he turns his eyes to you with fondness before turning back to Gaz and Price.

"Fix is the only one who likes me." He complains loudly, and it earns a chuff of laughter from Gaz on your other side.

"Great, then she can bunk with you next time you haven't showered for three days."

"Three?" You ask up at Soap, who's mouth flaps open indignantly.

"Two!" He bites back.

"And a half." Price offers wearily.

You shrug up at Johnny. "That is pretty much three days."

Soap fixes you with a look of betrayal that has a laugh bubbling up your throat before you can stop it.

"Then again-" You offer, raising your arm and giving a preliminary sniff, nose wrinkling. "I probably smell worse. Haven't showered for a week now."

You pause, face drawing aghast as you turn to Gaz. "Oh God, they didn't give me a sponge bath, did they?"

"Aye." Soap crows, a smirk pulling at his lips. "Had to pull Gaz here away when they said he couldnae help. Tried to insist on doing it himself."

"Oh, now you're taking the piss." Gaz complains, sitting back in his chair with a huff.

You turn to Gaz, feigning shyness, crossing your arms over your chest as you teasingly ask him: "You didn't look, did you sergeant? How could you?"

Soap's bark of laughter is nearly deafening when he watches Gaz straighten and splutter, stammering out an indignant "N-no! I-"

"I thought we were friends." You press, pretending to wipe away a tear.

"I didn't look!!"

"Couldnae take his eyes off you, lass." Soap jibes, voice trilling with laughter. "Man looked as if he were restin' his eyes on the birth of Venus herself."

"Soap!!"

You laugh then too, feeling your chest lighten, something inside of it shaking loose and rising up through your voice, dissipating between you all like a gentle breeze.

"Gents." Price suddenly says. "Will you give us a minute?"

And just like that, the oxygen drains from the room.

You feel it suck the air from your chest, Price's words, stale in your throat as the laughter cuts off abruptly. You can still remember the sound of the gunshot, the one that punched a hole in your side, robbed you of your air and sent you spiraling into unconsciousness. Now, Price's voice sounds very much the same. The toll of a funeral bell, a final, imminent sound from which there’s no escape. Only grief.

Soap sees the tight draw of your face, and it feels familiar to you, the way your lips thin, shoulders tense. You remember it, the sensation of waiting outside an office furnished with oakwood, a glossy desk with papers and ornaments meticulously placed, of the squeak of your father's chair as he turns to you, pins you with his untempered stare.

It shows on your face, you realize, and you jolt when Soap's hand lands on your shoulder. He offers you a smile, but behind his gaze you see the trepidation there. A whisper of a warning. Danger.

"I'll see if I can scrounge you a plate of somethin'." He tells you softly, an entreaty. "You like chocolate pudding?"

You nod a little numbly, swallow as his hand drifts from your side as he paces to the door, Gaz trailing close behind. It's only once they pass that you see him, the large, lurking specter that hovers just beyond the door. Ghost's head turns as he watches the two sergeants pass, only for his stare to slowly look back to you.

It's the first time you've seen his face since that moment where he found you, when you had let the ink-dyed threads of you spill into his palms and spoken the words to him that you'd been keeping hidden as an execrable secret.

"I-I didn't-" You hiccup, and the world is in chaos now, with your cries and your secrets exposed, with his gaze raking over your trembling, injured form. "Didn't want you to see, Ghost. I'm sorry-"

Now, Ghost locks eyes with you, holds your gaze captive in his stare.

"I see you."

You can't look away.

"Just you."

When he turns, you fight the urge to call for him, to ask what exactly he has seen in you, if it is enough to lose his faith in you, to leave you behind and march ever onwards, blotting out the light as you're cast in his shadow. You...you want to ask for forgiveness. To atone for the things you aren't, the things you might never be.

"Ghost-" You try, but he's gone, heavy footsteps fading down the hallway as he vanishes, leaving only you behind.

The silence that follows is unbearable.

"Fix."

You turn your eyes to meet the gaze of your captain, of his smoky, laden stare that feels rife with omens, sinister prophecies that press down on your shoulders.

"We need to talk about what happened."

Ah. This is it then. The moment you founder, feet stumbling from the apex of your achievements before tumbling down, down, down int the abyss that haunts your dreams. The one where you're left alone, empty, with only your failures and regrets to provide you with solitary company.

"Ghost said he found you bleeding out in the barracks, on your way to your room instead of the medical station." Price goes on, not bothering to mince words. Ever direct, forthright in a way that is unmistakably him. "Care to explain what that was about?"

You swallow. Your throat feels tacky, dry. You make a point to reach for the water bottle at your bedside, take a gulp. It's a blatantly obvious move to stall, but you are beginning to realize that no matter what you do, these men, your brothers, will be able to discern you like the rising tides under a full moon. It's futile. Maybe it always has been.

"I was on my way to the medical unit." You reply and manage to surprise yourself with how even your voice sounds. "I was on my way to my room to grab the keys to the supply closet."

"Instead of reporting to the medic on duty?" Price questions, nonplussed.

"Yes, Sir."

"Why was that?"

You swallow, feel a tremor in your hands, try to shake the image of your father sitting at his desk before you.

"I believed my injuries were not severe at the time, and that I could tend to them myself." You reply honestly, ignoring the dragging, haunting childhood memory of tall windows and a portrait above the fireplace, of the smell of your father’s cigars.

"Hmm." Price offers, the sound growling low in his chest, eyes unblinking, pinning you to where you sit. "Ghost mentioned something else too. About how you 'didn't want him to see.' Is that right?"

You should have expected this. Should have known Ghost would spare no detail in whatever report he gave Price, would toss you to the wolves like this.

"I don't recall saying that, Sir." You offer instead, lying, trying to keep your voice even, unwavering even as your heart thumps erratically in your chest.

"So, you believe your lieutenant gave a false report?" Price asks sharply, and you nearly flinch at the sudden shift of his voice.

"N-no sir." You falter, and your fingers fist the sheets under your hands. "Only that I don't remember saying that."

Price only ignores you, soldiering on with his questions. "Some of the squaddies said they saw you earlier that night on the training grounds." He states, and you watch as his finger taps on his crossed arm. "Give me a good reason why you were there and not resting and taking care of yourself?"

You try to remember how the breathe, feel the push and pull of you inhales and exhales, stifling the sensation to run. Run.

"What is going on Fix?"

You remember the first time you were caught in a sniper's snare. Seeing the red dot appear on your vest, looking for cover, finding none, trying to flatten yourself and make yourself as small as possible to avoid the hail of bullets that rained down on you.

Now, in the target of Price's scope, pinned beneath his gaze, you feel very much the same.

Your silence is telling. Too much time has passed already, and you know any answer you give now would be futile, instantly seen as the lie that it is. So instead, you stay silent, force yourself to breathe, imbue yourself in the rise and fall of your chest, the ache that oxygen summons as it flows through your lungs.

Price doesn't waver before you, unblinking, unrelenting. Still as a statue, his eyes gazing at you from below his furrowed brow. Face impassive, but his eyes dark, calculating, discerning.

"I know what I saw." He says at last as the silence drags on, voice dragging in his chest. "I saw a young woman who was terrified of being touched, who tore her own stitches by pushing herself too hard and then panicked and lashed out when someone noticed. That's not normal behavior. Not from a soldier who supposedly passed all her psych evals before joining my team."

You swallow, but the air feels stagnant, filled with ash and ruin. The aftermath of an explosion, where the gunpowder flavors across your tongue.

"I-I didn't-" You try, voice finally fracturing. Yet Price ignores you, plowing onwards.

"Fix." He goes on, and his voice sounds tired now. Weary, and it feels too close to disappointment. "You're a good soldier, a damn good one. One of the best medics I've ever met. But I can't have you risking this team by not taking care of yourself."

"I-I was taking care of myself." You manage, voice trembling down, shoulders shivering. "I was trying to recover sooner so you didn't...didn't have to wait for me."

"And where did that get you, hmm?" Price snaps suddenly, voice rising, straightening off the wall and you flinch, hard enough for him to notice. "You know better than that. You're the bloody medic. Do you have any idea how long it took for me to find a suitable candidate for this team? We've had you less than four months, and you've already landed yourself in the ICU twice. Once for not checking your corners, and the second because you were disobeying orders to stay put and heal."

"I'm...sorry, captain." You force yourself to say, and a traitorous sob clings to the back of your throat. You can feel the dam inside you cracking, feel the dark, ichor of you begin to seep out. It makes words choke your throat before you can stop them.

"I-I'll do better. I'll tend to my injuries better. I'll not tear my stitches again-"

"What you are going to do-" Price snaps, and the panic inside you flares brighter, and you swallow down the sob that threatens your voice, trying vainly to reign in your errant emotions. To not let him see, to not let any of them see. Please- "-is take a psych eval while you recover, and you are NOT going to repeat this behavior again or you'll be off my taskforce."

Off the taskforce.

You begin to shake then, trembling as you sit upright in the hospital bed, eyes glassy, unseeing, feeling the gale howl in your thoughts, and the phantasm of failure and inconsolable loneliness wrap her thin, pale fingers around your neck, starving you of air.

Alone, again. Because of the things you couldn't accomplish. Of never, ever being enough, of wearing a body too big for your meagre soul.

"P-Price." You manage, voice trembling as you attempt one last effort to save his faith in you, to cling to this place of yours you've worked so hard for and to never, ever let go.

"I'll do better." You try, and the words come tumbling loose, like an avalanche you can’t prevent. "I can. I can make it up to the team. I-I worked so hard to be here, I can't...can't fail. I just need another chance, so I can prove myself.”

You try and stop your words, but it’s a useless effort. You circle the drain in an imminent vacuum as it sucks you down, down. “I can prove I’m a good soldier, a good medic, and prove that I deserve to be here. I can prove that you don’t need to get rid of me because I fucked up. I can still do it. I can prove myself, can prove I’m not a failure. So please."

You swallow, but all you taste is bile and regret.

"Please."

The room stills.

In the silence, you think you feel your fragile heart begin to shatter.

"Oh Fix." Price murmurs at last, and you watch as the anger from his eyes melts, his shoulders loosening, uncrunching from their tight draw. There's an emotion that passes over his face, makes his eyes seem forlorn, lost at the sight of you. It's as if he's found not a soldier but an injured animal, skittish and afraid. It takes you a moment to name the sorrow in his expression, eyes blinking and threatening tears.

Pity.

It stabs at you sharper than the sound in your side, flays open the cavity of your chest and renders you exposed, vulnerable under his gaze. Sharp and sudden, it chokes the air in your lungs, makes your ribs tighten, seize as you try vainly to curl away from it, with no ground on which to retreat.

Price lowers his head, avoiding your gaze for a moment as if he's grappling with guilt, blaming himself for this instead of you and somehow that feels worse. Like he's shouldering a burden he doesn't trust you with despite the fact that it's your weight to carry.

When Price's eyes meet yours again they're traitorously sad. Not with disappointment, Price regards you as if he would a frail, grieving thing- something to be treated with a care you don't deserve.

"You have nothing to prove." He tells you, and there's a tone to his voice you haven't heard before, something that suffers at finally witnessing the cracked, broken shadows you fail to conceal inside your heart.

It's too much.

You can't...can't do this. They were never supposed to know, never supposed to see the wreck inside you you've been trying to hide so desperately. They were only supposed to see your triumphs, your victories and not the silhouette of devastation that flickered beyond your smiling form. Never were they supposed to glimpse the raw, rotten interior of you, witness the horrific truth of all those years ago that has since fused to your bones and created a horrible, grotesque reflection of you.

They were never supposed to know.

Now Price stands before you, despairing, despondent at what he's seen, and told to you the words you've feared this entire time. That all this effort has been for nothing, that you've suffered for nothing, that your struggle to stay with him, with Ghost, with Soap and Gaz and Laswell was nothing more than a naive fantasy.

It bubbles up inside you before you can stop it- the searing, scorching hurt and white-hot flash of fury. Like an eruption there's no warning as magma courses through your veins and you sit up in your bed, ignoring the sudden, horrible agony that claws into your side and chokes the air in your throat. Instead, you look at Price through a watery, burning gaze and raise your voice to the loudest you've ever allowed it to echo from the hurt of your chest.

"I HAVE EVERYTHING TO PROVE!!"

Your voice rises and cracks like a whip between you both, shatters the remnants of your composure and leaves you trembling, shaken, clinging desperately to whatever shreds of hope remain inside you.

Price looks stunned.

You've never seen that expression on his face before, you realize, and it's enough to make the anger seep from you, coloring with regret as you watch his face transform from shock to a stony, impassive silence.

Your stomach drops through the floor.

"You are suspended." He tells you flatly. "I'm giving you mandatory three months leave so you can heal and figure out whatever you've got going on."

Silence. Then, the fragile sound of your hopes and dreams fracturing, cracks spider-webbing out further, further, until they seem to consume you, mar your spirit into something that appears as only a mockery of yourself.

"Price-" You try breathlessly, unable to find any other words except his name, absent of his title. Trying desperately to appeal to him not as a superior, but as the thing you dare to dream he is- a friend. "Please."

It softens him, that, makes his face briefly scrunch as if he's the one in pain, not you. Yet he doesn't waver, not even as his voice dips softer between you both.

"This is for the best, Fix. Take some time to go home, see your family, get some distance."

No. You think desperately, paralyzed, unable to speak. That's the last thing I want. Don't send me back to them. don't take me further from you all. Let me stay here, even if I can't be useful, even if I don't deserve it. Let me stay.

Instead, all you give him is silence. Wordless, your voice dying in your throat.

Price looks at you then, and that emotion returns to his eyes- sadness. Guilt. He paces towards you, and it takes all your strength to not press yourself away from him, and yet to crowd even closer, seeking an anchor, a semblance of comfort.

He rests a hand on your shoulder, fatherly, reassuring and yet somehow his touch burns against your skin.

"You're a bloody good medic, Fix." He murmurs to you, softer now. "Might be the best one I've ever worked with."

Hope, vibrant and colorful. You look up at him with a wide, watery gaze, daring to dream of the things that could be.

The things that aren't.

"But I can't have a medic who can barely take care of herself." He finishes, and once again the world sucks into colorless monochrome, devoid of anything remotely related to the thing called joy.

A pat to your shoulder, and it feels like goodbye.

"You get yourself sorted." He tells you, turning away. "We will be here when you get back. Understood?"

You barely hear him, barely hear his footsteps fade from the room, barely hear him talk to someone hidden just beyond the doorway as they vanish together.

Silence reigns supreme in the absence that follows, carving deep into your bones, etching prophecies within the cracks, filling them with ash, runes to be discovered by a future you. The air around you is nothing but a frigid vacuum, sucking up the sound of your own heartbeat, tinnitus singing a wry, shrill sound in your ears.

Failure.

Of the highest degree. You feel the earth shake and tremble beneath you, and atop the mountain of bones from which you stand the chasm below yawns with a dark, gaping maw, threatening to swallow you whole. It feels like an inevitability, an imminent destiny from which there is no escape.

Your lungs must be filled with ichor, you think, because when you breath there's a wetness in the back of your throat that feels like a dark, horrid thing. You wonder if you slice back the layers of you if only ink will spill outwards. Perhaps it will drown you, fill the space in which you occupy alone, clinging to you like tar and taking you down, down into oblivion.

There's wetness on your face before you realize it. Hot, fat tears rolling down your cheeks in the absence of sound. They water your gaze, obscure your vision until the world is nothing more than the liquid haze of your own regrets.

I should have known better. You think, in a final, bitter sacrament. Than to think I could belong.

When you cry, it's with a hand clutched to your chest, fingers gripping at the cotton fabric of your hospital gown, threatening to rip it to shreds just like the remainder of your hope. Sobs crack your throat- broken sounds caught in the wet, putrid vile of your lungs. Pain blossoms like a funeral bouquet across your chest, white flowers symbolizing grief.

White. White. White.

White lace napkins, white sheer curtains, pressed white blouses, white pearls at your mother's throat. Unblemished, artificial, holy and yet somehow blasphemous to the fibers of your soul. Things that are a reminder of where you've come from, where you shall return, what you have to lose.

Everything to prove. Everything to lose.

A cry cracks at your dry throat, and you hate it- a broken sound that seems to show who you truly are, something fracturing and barely held together. You bow into your hands, tears spilling through your fingers, slipping away with the remainder of your composure.

There's footsteps, voices at the door, and a voice calls your name.

You don't respond, caught and ensnared within the silvery web of despair, absent from everything except your own self-hatred, the grief and hopelessness that forces shattered cries from your throat.

"Hey, hey, hey." A voice shushes you, and arms wrap around you. Warm, solid, tender. There's a hand in your hair, tucking you into a chest that feels like a comfort you don't deserve it. "It's alright doll, just breathe. Take it easy."

"I'm- I'm sorry." You choke between sobs, fingers clawing into Kyle's shirt. "Gaz, I-I didn't mean, I never thought. I'm...I'm sorry."

Gaz says nothing, only presses you deeper into his chest and you let him, surrendering to the temptation of just being held even though you don't deserve it, even though you know you'll have to say goodbye.

Briefly, you wonder if you should have let go then, in that grimy, dusty cartel hideout, so that way you didn't have to live with the disappointment, the pain, the hurt.

You continue to chant apologies, and Gaz welcomes them into him, never speaks beyond gentle words to try and soothe your cries. There's another hand in between it all, a voice that tries to speak but finds himself absent of the words needed.

"You're going to be okay, Fix." Soap offers at last, and you don't believe him. You want him to say you didn't disappoint them, that you can stay, that somehow they won't forget about you.

You want him to tell you that you can stay.

Yet he doesn't, only offers hollow reassurances that ring empty in your ears between sobs that you pour into Gaz's shirt.

They're finding ways to say goodbye.

You push back from Gaz's front abruptly, suddenly, the movement enough to dizzy you and shock the two men crowded close to your bed.

"Get out."

Gaz and Soap look at each other, brows knotted, words exchanging through their gazes alone.

"Hey, listen-" Gaz tries, echoing your name.

"Don’t. Don't call me that." You spit back, wrapping your arms around yourself protectively, refusing to look at them, to see the worry in their eyes. That wasn't your name. Your name, your callsign is Fix, even if you can never fix the broken things in your own soul.

"Go." You say again, firmer now. Hurt. Angry. "I-I want to be alone."

It's a lie, you know that. You want them, want them to be here with you, to comfort you in the face of your own insurmountable failures. Yet now, on the precipice of farewell, you can't stand the reprieve they offer you to indulge in. Not when you're about to say goodbye.

There's a pause as both sergeants wait for you to say anything more, pray for you to swallow your words and invite them into you once again, but you can't. You don't. You refuse.

So slowly, they pull away, as they all do, until there's nothing left but you and your own shadow that sems to swallow you from all sides.

It's Soap that pauses at the door, and you look up then, see the brokenness in his eyes. The hurt.

"Come back to us." Is all he tells you, voice barely strained, eyes sad. "Soon."

You blink, and his words summon something like the blossoms you saw blooming in the mountains of Nepal- striving against the harsh, unforgiving rocky outcropping. They turn their petals to the thin blue sky in search of a sunrise you can't yet see. Striving, resilient, hopeful, alive. Despite everything. Alive.

When Soap vanishes, you see them, see the blossoms bloom across your thoughts, roots fragile but deep, awaiting the thaw in which they'll stretch once more upwards towards the heavens. They entwine with your stitches like creeping ivy, hold you fast and refuse to let you crumble further as much as you want to shatter.

They march on, the four of them, vanishing into the blizzard atop a mountain of expectations you'll never meet. Yet in the snow where you've fallen, rhododendrons unfurl in the cracked confines of your lonely heart.

Taglist:

@atenceladusiaawfytbwb @nachtcirce @jujubashow @mutuallimbenclosure @kkinky @trash-boi-4-life @scatter-mind001

#simon ghost riley #simon ghost riley x reader #simon 'ghost' riley #mw2 #cod mw22 #Simon ghost riley x oc #reader insert #cod x reader #fic: shadow and bone #oc: fix

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moonlit-positivity · 4 months

Text

Lets talk about emotional regulation on a deeper level

Here is a wildly controversial truth: your emotional responses actually make a lot of sense considering what you've been through in your life.

The way you react to stress- the way you shut down, isolate, deny, avoid, daydream, escape, use addictions, and/or self harm? Or the way you lash out, get revenge, get violent, manipulate & gaslight, and project your emotions onto others? Or the way you fawn, people please, shut down emotionally, prioritize others before yourself, and freeze? These responses are born out of pure survival. Every last one of them. At some point these responses were there so you could survive an environment that was trying to kill you. If you don't think that's accurate, then consider that your body & mind felt threatened enough to give you these responses in the first place. It actually makes a lot of sense that your reactions to high stress is to revert to what saved you as a child.

Here's the thing though, what saved you as a child is no longer serving you the same purpose now as an adult.

If you're entering new relationships and friendships as an adult under the same mindset of, "these people are trying to kill me," then here's what's going to happen: your partner, friend, etc is going to inevitably make a mistake that is going to trigger you into that primal, neolithic state of survival. And you are going to unconsciously react in the same ways that saved you as a child. But the difference is that, the person next to you isn't actually trying to kill you. They're just making an honest to goodness mistake and now you're going at them like they're evil incarnate. Or, you're withdrawing and hurting yourself and probably gonna ghost them now because you're too scared to communicate what it is that's bothering you. Or, you're going to pretend like you didn't see it and shut yourself down emotionally and just hope that it works out, until one day you're gonna snap and all that pent up anger is gonna explode out of you like Mount Vesuvius on firey steroids.

This is why it's so important to learn how to do the following things:

1. Spend some time reaffirming that what you went through as a kid was absolutely not normal, under any circumstances. That shit was batshit insane and it shouldn't have happened to you. You really need to dig deep and reaffirm that no, most of the world isn't actively trying to kill you, attack you, or make you suffer. What you went through was truly an isolated incident of pure fuckery. And yeah, it sucks but people will inevitably hurt you again. Learning about boundaries can help with this. But the sooner you realize that most people around you are genuinely not trying to hurt you, the better your life is going to get. Trauma therapy can be a great place to unload these kinds of things.

2. Spend some time processing how your parents'/ abuser's reactions, overreactions, abuse, neglect, gaslighting & projections, etc made you feel. This is important. And yeah it hurts like fuck, but this is important because once you actually allow yourself to feel & process the pain and suffering they did to you, your body starts to shift out of survival and you start to understand exactly how your own emotional responses feel for you & others around you. It gives you a deeper sense of understanding. And yes, this works for low empathy disorders like NPD too. If you were abused as a kid then it literally doesn't matter what your diagnosis is. The fact that your childhood robbed you of safe & secure connection, attunement, regulation, trust, and autonomy, is actually 100% the entire reason why your symptoms exist. And it sucks that the current mental health field does not acknowledge this. You can't pour from a cup that has been empty since the day you were born. You need to turn that attention inward and start unpacking all that shit.

3. Find ways to foster empathy and compassion for yourself with gentle parenting. Your childhood guidance is missing. You need to go back and essentially re-raise yourself. This is the hard & laborious work of inner child healing, emotional regulation, DBT, attachment theory healing, learning how to communicate, etc. imo this is what therapy should be about tbh.

4. Find safe ways to be vulnerable in peace. Restoring your own sense of control over who you allow into your life and what you allow them to do to you, is one great way to gain the safety you need to do this kind of work with. But the one hard inevitable truth of this world is that you are actually going to have to learn how to be vulnerable. You are going to have to learn how to foster grace and compassion for yourself enough to be seen on a deeper level. Again, I'd suggest trauma therapy.

I'd say this is one helluva controversial take, because most spaces will tell you things like, "your reactions are the problem." And well, yeah okay fine. You got a point. But how do you actually do the work in a healthy and safer manner that gets you actually motivated to self inspect and change your ways? This is how you do that. Recognize what you went through was pure survival, so you can foster a better sense of compassion for yourself. Finding a good trauma therapist can help with this. By doing this your body automatically gains the regulation needed to process the fact that yeah, okay, there actually is a different way to do things. Everything else comes naturally over time. And I do mean time. This isn't something you can do once and then call it good. You're gonna be doing this for the rest of your life.

🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸

Hope this helps

🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸

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haveyouseenthisskeleton · 7 months

Note

Skellys kid come out as homosexual

What dad allready knew, who's got jokes , who's too bisexual to care

I'm looking for some fluff / dumb dad content

Undertale Sans - He definitely already knew, but he's happy his kid feels comfortable enough to tell him. It doesn't change anything though. That's months he's teasing his kid and their boy/girl/enbyfriend. Coming out won't stop him. Nice try though.

Undertale Papyrus - Really? That's great! And now you said too much and he wants to know everything about your current partner, and inviting them for dinner, and for a sleepover, and for the vacation. You're flushing hard.

Underswap Sans - He had no idea, but he's quite relieved. He thought you had problems at school with how emotionally constipated you looked like these last days. Well... That's a reaction...

Undertale Papyrus - He hugs his kid and says he supports them 200% even though you better not have a partner too soon because there's no way you're leaving the house, he's not ready.

Underfell Sans - "K. Use condoms." That's it. Well, that went better that you thought.

Underfell Papyrus - He doesn't care you're gay, he just wants to know the name, address, phone number, and activity of your partner for no reason at all. Or to make sure they're not going to hurt their precious baby. What do you mean he's overprotective.

Horrortale Sans - ".... you sure you never came out before?" Yeah, he, uh, assumed you were and thought he forgot you told him along the way with his bad memory. Oh well, it doesn't change everything, he knew it already. And for way longer than you, you soon realize lol.

Horrortale Papyrus - "GREAT! ME TOO!" He didn't mean to say the last part out loud. Now Oak, Toriel and Grillby are just staring at him like ?????? and Willow goes out to bury himself in the garden with his love for Mettaton and the face entirely orange.

Swapfell Sans - He looks you from head to toe and just "AND?". He knows it already and doesn't understand why you want to talk with him about that obvious fact. Do you think he's dumb? Because he's not. He frowns at you. Are you trying to test him? He knows you, he literally made you. You can't win.

Swapfell Papyrus - "When I said you need to come out of the closet, I meant for dinner, but it works too I guess." He wants to know everything though.

Fellswap Gold Sans - He doesn't know why you were kinda scared to tell him. He's cool with it. What he is not cool with is your partner, that he is going to cook alive during the dinner he insisted you need to invite them to. He wants to know who dares to try to steal his child from him and see if they are worthy enough.

Fellswap Gold Papyrus - He squeaks with excitement and just starts to dance and hugs you saying he's happy you're telling him and that he wants you to be happy. His baby is growing up, he can't wait to see you go.

#undertale #underswap #underfell #horrortale #swapfell #fellswap gold #sans #papyrus #undertale ask blog #undertale asks #undertale imagines #undertale headcanons

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tohisprettyc00l · 1 year

Text

collector alphabets

A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)

VERY affectionate (Mans hasn't been real friends with anyone in hundreds of years please-)So yeah you being their first friend in a while he is very grateful. They don't have many ways to show their affection besides playing games though. They will still try to do things you want to do as well! It's just their still learning how to talk to people again. Not to mention that they couldn't touch anybody or anything for a fucking while.

B = Best friend

If you're able to become BEST friends with him then your life is so much more fun in every way. Listen he sees everyone he even slightly likes as their friend. But since you are his best friend. Hoo boy. If they're still trapped, he will get unbelievably excited once you show up. He Shapeshifts (or whatever that weird thing he does is) to make you laugh. Once they get out, they're not always by you, but they are enough to the point where people are surprised to see you apart.

C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)

He has super fluffy clothes, so it's very comfy. Despite them usually wearing pajamas, they are always energetic. So it's gotta be a special occasion for them to cuddle. Well for most, not for you <3. They quickly snuggle up to you. It's very warm and comfy.

D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)

(These might be kind of different because I refuse to write romance for them) Anyway not gonna answer the settled-down question. They can just snap their fingers and boom food n clean house. But if they have to do it without magic...well... yeah no he's clueless. Though he's a quick learner (well kinda) so teach him and he'll be able to help.

E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?) Okay wow... They're not great with their emotions, so if they need to stop being your friend, they'll kinda just Don't? Like they kinda just stop talking to you. ALSO, I want to say why they would. I have no idea for when they're free, but for when they're still trapped, Belos probably made him do it. Belos either tells him he won't set The collector free, or he comes up with some bullshit excuse why he CAN'T.

F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)

I really don't know how to answer this for a person who is basically a child-

G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

They try their hardest. I mean he has the powers of a God so, despite what it seems like, they restrain themselves a lot. Cause even the smallest mistake could end with you needing to go to the hospital. When it comes to emotions, he has no fucking clue whan they're mean. Like if you tell him he'll apologize and (try) not to do it again. But he does not know he's being mean. I feel like the dude only knows the basics of right and wrong to like-

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?) Tight and lowkey hurts, or soft and gentle, no in-between. If you have been gone for a while, expect a hug that almost breaks your back. Not to mention in those cases he's almost a blur. But, they don't mind giving you a comforting hug. <3. If they've had a long day he'll just kinda collapses on you and slowly turns that into a hug.

I = I love you (How fast do they use the L-word?)

As soon as they realize, like no hesitation. They are scared of losing you, he knows that humans don't live forever. So they need to tell you before it's too late.

J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they're jealous?)

(Everyone is going to have a healthy relationship when it comes to jealousy, A.K.A they aren't jealous because you have other friends and the other person is actually doing something to somewhat warrant it) Whenever he is jealous he acts like a child. Because they are one. Not towards you towards the other person. They'll stick their tongue out at them, never talk or reply to the other person, and all around br petty. It's pretty easy to tell when he's jealous. Just tell them they're still your Best friend and they'll stop.

K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)

Child. But they do live to both receive and give platonic forehead kisses.

L = Little ones (How are they around children?)

He is a kid. And can't take care of one

Though if you have a little sibling, expect them to immediately become friends with them no questions asked.

M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?)

He doesn't need to sleep so they'll probably be like a cat or any 5-year-old. Either pokes at you until you wake up, or they just stand in your doorway. Ominously.

N = Night (How are nights spent with them?)

Like said they don't sleep. So they probably ask for a sleepover, just so you stay away longer. Would love to watch scary movies with you late in the night, also despite being thousands of years old he will always be more scared than you.

Side note: they will not tolerate you not getting enough sleep. If you wake up early after the slumber parties he will stop having them.

O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?) They take a while to open up. (for obvious reasons.) But the more they get to know you the more they trust you. They will slowly start to tell you about his trauma if you will listen. Though they end up just dumping everything out at once.

P = Patience (How easily angered are they?) Pretty patient with his friends, and also cools down pretty quickly after fights. But, when it comes to people who hurt his friends (mentally or physically) they are screwed. No Patience. Like at all. Not that that is a huge issue when people know you're (best) friends with The Collector.

Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing or do they kind of forget everything?) They don't remember your favorite color but remember exactly what you did for your 7th birthday. Mainly because they find "normal" questions boring. (Not saying they find you boring but y'know)

R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?) The first time you won a game, hands down. It doesn't matter if it was the first try, or if it takes you 1,000 tries. Because he thinks games are a lot more fun if he can lose. (let's be honest with ourselves he barely loses when playing with other people)

S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?) Pretty fumking protective. Not overprotective though. He has seen a lot of insane ways people get hurt, so they will try to get you to be a little more cautious... Whenever they're not around. He can heal and easily protect you when he's around you. Also while he doesn't need protection, he likes to feel protected. Please just hold and cuddle the boy.

T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?) Okay for special occasions they'll get whatever room it is all bedazzled. Nailing all drawings and photos to the walls, have a bunch of songs ready to play, and the room is covered in fairy lights. (please don't ask where he got the lights, he doesn't want to tell you about his crimes on a special day)

U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?) Like I said they only know the basics of what's right and what's wrong. So sometimes they'll do pretty messed up stuff without knowing it's bad, in the slightest. Also when you tell them what they're doing is wrong they'll sometimes get defensive. But a lot of the time he's also trying to convince himself he's on the right more than he's trying to convince you.

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?)

They've been around so long they don't really care. Both about their looks and yours. Beauty standards are always changing. So what's the point of stressing about them?

W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?)

Not necessarily incomplete, just wrong. When you two first met he missed you when you left but didn't care. But as you became closer it felt weird when you left. So anytime they can they can be by you, they are.

X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.) Their favorite game is Hide and Seek. As mentioned earlier they like for it to be 50/50 of who will win.

Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn't like, either in general or in a partner?) Boring people. I feel like I've made it pretty obvious, but he needs a person to be somewhat fun to even be acquaintances.

Z = Zzz (What is their sleep habits of theirs?) As mentioned before, he doesn't need to sleep. But he can if he really wants to. So when they do they are a heavy sleeper. They NEED at least 10 stuffed animals to sleep. Also, they steal all of the blankets. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A ctivities - What do they like to do with their s/o? How do they spend their free time with them? I don't have the energy to say 'they play games' in a different way again.

B eauty - What do they admire about their s/o? What do they think is beautiful about them? Your style when it comes to clothes. It doesn't really matter if it's consistent or not, if it's not that just makes it more to see if he can guess what your wearing. He kinda just doesn't care what you're wearing, you could have the most swagless outfit in history and he'd still love it.

C omfort - How would they help their s/o when they feel down/have a panic attack etc.?

Tries to distract you. And when/if that doesn't work he kinda panics as well. They aren't great at comfort, so all they know how to do is rub your back and whisper 'It's okay.'

D reams - How do they picture their future with their s/o? He never really thinks about the future. In his opinion, it's a lot funner to think of the present.

E qual - Are they the dominant one in the relationship, or rather passive? I'm not going to answer this for anyone because it kinda makes uncomfortable I don't know why 😕

F ight - Would they be easy to forgive their s/o? How are they fighting? Really depends on what the fights are about, if it's anything small he'll forgive after a day or two. But after a bigger fight it would take a week or two for him to forgive you.

G ratitude - How grateful are they in general? Are they aware of what their s/o is doing for them? After being released he's a lot more grateful in general. Saying thank you to strangers more and more, which might seem small but he was worshiped by many people, so it's a big step for him. But after they truly became your friend, hoo boy. He smothers you with attention. Thanks you constantly for everything. You have to tell the boy to stop.

H onesty - Do they have secrets they hide from their s/o? Or do they share everything? already answered

I nspiration - Did their s/o change them somehow, or the other way around? Like trying out new things or helped them overcome personal problems? They are a way better person now (as I've stated before-) But it's not until someone points it out when they realize. Now they also try to help you, granted they aren't the best with human problems or mortal problems. He does try though.

J ealousy - Do they get jealous easily? How do they deal with it?

Already answered

K iss - Are they a good kisser? What was the first kiss like?

✨ Already answered ✨

L ove Confession - How would they confess to their s/o? I know I said I wouldn't write romance for them,but I just got an idea. So this is more of a one time thing. He accidentally blurts it out. It takes them a few seconds to realize what they said. The collector quickly apologized and tried to play it off as a mistake. They just misspoke is all! But when you say you feel the same they freeze. What? Really!? They are ecstatic! It takes at least half an hour for him to stop hugging you.

M arriage - Do they want to get married? How do they propose? What would the marriage be like?

As said before the romance was a one of thing

N icknames - What do they call their s/o? They aren't one for nicknames. Though they do jokingly call you bestie or babygirl (if your okay with it ofc)

O n Cloud Nine - What are they like when they are in love? Is it obvious for others? How do they express their feelings? Does this count as romance? I don't think it really does in this case. Anyway they're like a stereotype when it comes to having a crush. They are a stuttering and blushing mess. You have to be the most oblivious person in the world to not notice this. But of course, you are. Though they aren't that mad about it.

P DA - Are they upfront about their relationship? Do they brag with their s/o in front of others? Or are they rather shy to kiss etc. when others are watching? It romance again. (Though they do brag about you-)

Q uirk - Some random ability they have that's beneficial in a relationship. He has the powers of a god. Enough said.

R omance - How romantic are they? What would they do to make their s/o happy? Cliché or rather creative? You've got to be kidding me

S upport - Are they helping their s/o achieve their goals? Do they believe in them?

They try. Granted he's not the best with helping. So half the time their attempts to help do nothing but like I said they try. Also they 110% believe you can do it. And if someone as powerful as him believing in you isn't a confidence boost then I don't know what it is.

T hrill - Do they need to try out new things to spice out your relationship? Or do they prefer a certain routine?

Surprisingly they like to have a little order in day to day life. That's not to say they like to have everything planned out, it's just they get kinda stressed if they don't have somewhat of an idea of the days going to be life.

U nderstanding - How well do they know their partner? Are they empathetic? They know a kinda creepy amount about you. I'm not expanding on that.

V alue - How important is the relationship to them? What is it worth in comparison to other things in their life? I've said it again and again, but you're like the most important thing in their life. He would ( and basically can) do anything for you.

W ild Card - A random Fluff Headcanon. They have a stuffed animal collection (they are the Collector after all) and all them have unique names. Also when I say unique names I don't just mean they have their own individual names I mean they have names like shampoo, nail polish, and paper bag.

X OXO - Are they very affectionate? Do they love to kiss and cuddle? Loves cuddles and (plationic) kisses <3. It's nice to calm down and just be comfy. They are pretty affectionate! Traps you in hugs on the regular.

Y earning - How will they cope when they're missing their partner? If it's when he was trapped in the walshe just kinda fucks around. distracts himself by shapeshifting. But if it's when he's out, he binge watches shows (mainly kids show obv)

Z eal - Are they willing to go to great lengths for the relationship? If so, what kind of? They will kill anyone who hurts you ❤️. Okay that's a bit of an exaggeration but they will do anything to protect you.

#toh x reader #the owl house x reader #the collector x reader #collector x reader

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the-sprog · 2 months

Text

My friends and I are still on our pokémon nuzlocke bullshit so I'm still poke obsessed.

But separately I'm also on my how to train your dragon bullshit and I realized how similar the relationship progression of Ash and Pikachu and of Hiccup and Toothless is.

They should meet.

Ash getting slung on Berk would have pretty much the same effect as Hiccup ending up in Unova. Going from no electricity to that would probably give the kid an aneurysm before he starts taking pokedexes apart to learn how to build them. I don't think Toothless would scare people as much as they'd probably assume he was a legendary from another region. He'd be Dragon type, probably pure.

Toothless and Pikachu wouldn't be able to communicate, which would probably weird Toothless out since usually he's not this cut out from the rest of the world. I mean, Hiccup and Ash also probably speak different languages here, but it's easier for humans to learn a new language than it is for animals from different universes to do so.

For these kinds of universe shananigans I can always only think of a few main culprits, Arceus being the main one. I mean It does a lot of things for Its self without worrying about who It's using. Palkia and Dialga might not be the teleporting around type, but Giratina might meddle. And the Lake Guardians do some kind of transportation shananigans sometimes but they're not as mischievous iirc.

Thinking about Hiccup somehow meeting Lugia and being all "it's ok it's ok" *hand think* while Lugia looks at Ash and goes "is this kid fr?" And Hiccup has a heart attack because he's never heard a Dragon talk. And pokemon also usually don't so this was a surprise all around.

Them exchanging stories of how they met their life long partner.

"I uuh- I shot him down. He can't fly without the artificial tail fin I made. But hey! He got me back, didn't he? Couldn't save all of me, so-" *points* "peg leg."

*Warble*

"Woah. And you made it? Both of them?"

"Yeah. Took me a while to perfect the design but now Toothless can fly with my help. I... Tried making him one he didn't need me for, but he rejected it."

*nods* "I get it."

"We didn't get along for a while. I was scared and he was resentful. But I was also stubborn and he was curious. "

*chuckle* "Me and Pikachu didn't either."

"Yeah?"

*nods* "He didn't want a trainer, and I didn't want him as my Pokémon. But, like you, I was stubborn. And even though we didn't get along, I never would've let him get hurt."

"Naturally."

"So when a murder of Sparrow attacked us, I protected him. And then he did the same. And I think we started bonding more because of the trust and respect that came from that incident."

"Pikapi! Pi pika pika-chuu."

*nods* "True. It wasn't smooth sailing. But with time, we really came from an understanding."

"And now you're inseparable?" *Smile*

*smile back* "yeah."

I was also thinking about what pokémon Toothless would be if this was a universe fusion and not a universes meeting kinda situation and I came to the conclusion that it should be Zekrom.

C'mon. Night Furies are said to be the "unholy offspring of lightning and death itself". I can totally see some culture getting that idea if they know the original story and lore.

I don't know what the Red death would be in this scenario, but this would be like a Hisui situation with people hating or being scared of Pokemon in general. I have less ideas for universe fusions type crossover.

#me me post #pokemon httyd #pokemon #httyd #how to train your dragon #jadenoryuu if youre reading this i am still writing a response #i wrote this one handed while j had dinner because the parallels wouldnt leave me alone #but im taking the dp one more seriously #as evident by the lack of sources written in this post lmao

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mamamittens · 1 year

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I hope you enjoy Zelda!!! But I do have an ask platonic wise if that’s alright, so sweet child of mine is obviously a reader who’s like 18 to young 20’s I’d say. How would the story have gone if the reader was like way younger? Like a kid the navy came across with the devil fruit abilities, would things have gone down differently, and if so how much? (As everyone kinda sees reader as a kid anyways.)

But I hope you enjoy the game- my sisters got it and I haven’t heard from her since she got it so I’m guessing that it’s amazing

Well, a lot of the story is out of Reader's hands as someone that's kidnapped for literally all of it. So plotwise it's not that different. They wouldn't go to the labs as a kid either because they're not old enough to properly test outside of the field. They don't know how to explain their power or do anything, so real life is the best teacher still.

But for starters there probably would have been at least one more marine at the starting incident. Kiddo would be treated... A little better but not really by their partner since the blow to the ego of knowing you 'awesome power' is because of a tot.

Marco would have been quicker to just snap them up without knowing about the devil fruit after Williams smacked the baby like a dickhead.

Reader as a kid would be a lot faster to cry and get overwhelmed but genuinely believes they're 'meant to do good' in the Marines. Just really sad baby hours that they can't seem to 'do it 'right'' when really it's their partners getting pissy about a literal child being valued more than them.

"Mm not supp'sed ta talk to pirates. Even if they have a cute dog."

Marco smiled softly, crouching down to whisper in the kid's ear.

"If anyone asks, it's all my fault, cause I'm a big mean pirate, yeah?" He suggested playfully, picking them up into his arms while Stefan barked for attention.

The kid giggled, bouncing excitedly as they waved at Stefan who licked their fingers with every hop.

Kid reader would also attach faster to positive attention without the knowledge an older reader would that they're still a prisoner. Though they'd get scared easily and freak outs mostly involve getting upset that they can't leave to go back to their 'job'. By the time plot catches up, reader will mostly have let go of being a marine or having forgotten entirely. Liking being on a big ship where everyone is nice all the time and doesn't snap at them for things outside their control.

Teach would have convinced them that they're playing a hide and seek game seeing as it's the easiest route. Taking them around the islands to distract them from the fact that this 'game' sure is taking a long time.

Meeting Luffy is more positive cause they think his fruit feels cool but no one gets why they keep making drum sounds while playing with him--not that Teach let's it go on for long. He knows Ace is closing in at that point.

Triggering the Dial Down is due to finding out the truth and that Teach hurt Thatch. Wanting to 'ground' Teach from the neat powers he's used prolifically all this time. And then probably not totally understanding what Akainu did at first by melting his head.

Poor Ace and Marco will be so horrified when the last they see of little reader is just a sobbing child, wailing before accidentally "over locking" Akainu's fruit and blasting off.

Still gets saved by Mao and found as word gets out about a miraculous rescue of a child via sea king.

Reader is very tired and more than a little injured when they show up and take the tot home.

Aside from that, a lot more carrying around at every opportunity. Hugs and affection since reader isn't as against it. A lot easier to distract from negative situations and likely didn't realize they'd been drugged so Thatch isn't bullied like before.

Might keep the title thing cause it's funny to think of them trying to argue with a child who just thinks they're cooler than the actual name.

"Sweetie, call me Thatch, please! Or at least big brother! Oh! Just call me big brother!" 🥺

"But your title is soooo cool! Twin-Blade! Twice as sharp and a-sim-metric-al!" 🤓

"...T-Thats nice sweetie but... I wanna be big brother..." 😭

"What about calling me, Pops or Oyaji?" 😃

"But you worked so hard on your moose-stache, Whitebeard!"😃

"Wait! If you're my dad, would I grow big and tall like you!?" ☺️

"...y--" 🥺

"Don't lie to the baby, Oyaji!!!" 😡

(Zelda is going great btw! Ask your sister about Zelda going 'my people need me' on the Hyrule tower. I legit started laughing. Zelda's unexpectedly a damn troll and I love it)

#mittens answers #oh sweet child of mine #child au #ngl its cute as hell lol

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1moremilgram-enjoyer · 8 months

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Muu T1 Cover - Otome Dissection

More cover connections! This time, we have our favorite queen bee herself, Muu, and her cover, Otome Dissection! Honestly, this is probably my favorite cover so far, Muu's voice is so good for this song! I really recommend you listen to it if you haven't.

That said, what, and I cannot stress this enough, the fuck, is happening in this song?

CW Suicide and death, bullying

Otome Dissection is about a girl in a relationship, who loves her partner and is scared by the idea of them leaving.

Good evening, is now a good time? I didn't really have anything specific I wanted to say, but Now there's this and that, and an "it's alright" comes to mind Without you, none of that matters Both of us with our masks on, we flirted

Sorry for calling you so early I must've woken you up, huh? Are you up to chat right now? I had a dream where you fell in love with somebody else Please tell me it's not true. C'mon, love me please?

(Translation)

Got that? Good, because that's about the only thing I could gather the first time I read the lyrics.

The girl does not feel very happy with her life outside of the relationship, but struggles to communicate their pain to their lover. She really does want them to understand there's a problem, but she ends up framing her issues as only boredom.

It's in pieces, without spelling out "love" It's a penalty shoot-out, Feelings vs. Boredom Yeah, there's a kid there, lost in anything and everything, Shedding tears, meowing "SOS" with their eyes only halfway open This disease, the whole package, I'll send it to you as an attachment I don't wanna go so far as to share all the things that cause me pain I just wanna run away from this love...

(... Okay I'm gonna be honest. Different translations have very different lyrics, to the point where a lot of this might not be applicable to all translations. I hope you understand I'm struggling and accept that I have to pick one and run with it)

As you can see, she wants to share the "disease" with her lover, tell them what she's struggling with, but can't get herself to share all the things she's in pain about. No, I have no idea what the "wanna run away from this love" line means, it sorta contradicts literally the entire rest of the song, so... under the rug it goes!

The "kid meowing SOS" is actually the protagonist, because if you look at the video, while that lyric plays, the girl has a cat tail, and you know, "meowing."

DECO*27 try not to relate your characters to cats challenge level impossible.

The point is that she's dismissing her tears, like "yeah there's a kid there, they're kinda lost in the mess, don't worry about them." It comes off as somewhat nonchalant imo. Again, struggles to share her pain.

Let's play [Otome] Dissection! Calling each other by our real names "I don't wanna live" was what I should've said Will I ever find peace?

(Note: The translation I'm using translates 'otome', but since the title doesn't, I don't want to do it here. Don't ask how my brain works, I don't know myself)

She should say she's suicidal, to get her lover to understand her issues before they go too far, but she can't get herself to do so. And because she's hurting so much, she attempts suicide, and her lover saves her. And she finds that... exciting? She finds it's the only way she can get him to pay attention to her struggles.

Let's play [Otome] Dissection! Don't we all want some excitement to get our hearts pumping? I've wanted to feel shame ever since that night when I realized it's good as long as it hurts

Let's play [Otome] Dissection! Pulling burning passion out of each other Feels stupid already, I can't stand you telling me "no!" Will we ever clear up this misunderstanding? Let's play [Otome] Dissection! Smearing drool on top of the "baguette" Let's see if our climax had been a letdown Ever since that night

It's not immediately obvious from the lyrics, but the video makes it much clearer.

... It makes it a bit clearer.

That's what "Otome Dissection" is. Otome means 'maiden', but with the wording of 'playing Otome Dissection' it may also be a reference to 'otome games', a genre of visual novels which are basically dating sims with girl leads. And I assume you know dissection is a process done on dead things. With that in mind, "playing Otome Dissection" would imply "playing at killing the maiden to date the lover", aka attempting suicide and getting her lover to save her. I know it sounds odd, but that is what's happening. You see her 'dancing with death' in most of the choruses.

The singer claims she does it because it's exciting, that nothing else makes her feel as good as it. Again, I believe it's more so that it feels good to have her lover concern themselves with her safety, but she just doesn't know how to express she wants them to do that without "playing Otome Dissection."

Let's play [Otome] Dissection! Don't we all want some excitement to get our hearts pumping?

Let's play [Otome] Dissection! Smearing drool on top of the "baguette" Let's see if our climax had been a letdown Ever since that night

"Smearing drool on the baguette" is vaguely sexual imagery depicting pleasure, though I'm not sure why we're bringing bread into it. Unless... baguette -> French -> Muu? My job is so unbelievably easy sometimes.

She does understand this isn't exactly good, but she can't help the way she feels when she does it.

I've wanted to feel shame ever since that night when I realized it's good as long as it hurts

(Note this all started in 'that night', when she came to a realization. 'That night' likely refers to the first time she attempted suicide, and thus, it seems she didn't know she'd enjoy it the first time. If you follow, that means she had other reasons for attempting suicide, which heavily implies those other struggles she's not mentioning do in fact exist and I'm not going insane. I clarify because the lyrics are very confusing so I gotta properly explain my interpretation)

Her lover also clearly isn't very happy with it, but she wants him to understand it really does make her feel good.

Let's play [Otome] Dissection! Pulling burning passion out of each other Feels stupid already, I can't stand you telling me "no!" Will we ever clear up this misunderstanding?

But there's a big problem. You might have seen it at the start, the lover starts to grow distant towards the end of the second verse.

I had a dream where you fell in love with somebody else Please tell me it's not true. C'mon, love me please? Two times a day, morning and night, I'll sprinkle spices on you The insanity of wrong assumptions has no effect Listen, you've been pretty cold lately

Uh... "sprinkling spices" probably means "making the relationship more exciting", which as we've established is what she feels she's doing by "playing [Otome] Dissection." The "wrong assumption" is probably that the lover is growing more distant and might even be interested in someone else, but the girl denies the idea, calls it "insane." She's in denial over her relationship breaking down.

Which is why she doesn't notice when the lover drifts away so much, the next time she "plays Otome Dissection", they don't end up saving her. She goes too far, and ends up dying.

Yeah, the song's pretty sad.

This was all already only slightly less complicated than the average Milgram MV, and what's even funnier is that now I have to find a way to connect all this to Muu! How the fuck- Yeah this one'sdifficult.

Okay, so there's two ways I think this can work. The first is what I think is more likely; the "lover" is actually Muu's group of old 'friends', and 'Otome Dissection' is bullying other classmates.

[It's Not my Fault] Sorry, sorry, that must’ve hurt. I didn’t mean to though. You got on my nerves just a teensy tiny bit, that’s all. So let’s say this makes us even.

(Using the fan translation here)

Since that lyric seems to be directed at her bullied classmates in the context of the MV, Muu is claiming she bullies them for small reasons ("you got on my nerves just a teensy tiny bit"), though it's very likely she's hiding the real reasons. As you may know, bullies are generally hiding some of their own insecurities by making fun of others', and considering the way Muu speaks of herself in After Pain, it certainly feels like that may have been the case.

[After Pain] If I was gone, If I had just disappeared I overheard, I found out How much I’m not needed There’s no special meaning, I got the short end of the stick I overheard, I found out How much I’m not needed

Plus there's the fact many people have pointed out that in It's Not my Fault, Muu is still represented in her own mind as a monster. Though everyone else in that mind space thing is also an insect, so maybe she just doesn't really think anyone in her school was all that great. Well, except Rei. The lesbian interpretation grows stronger by the day.

So, the same way Otome Dissection's protagonist was hurting in other ways yet claimed she only attempted suicide because it was exciting (and I guess she just expects us to ignore why she attempted suicide the first time), Muu bullied others to feel better about herself, but claimed she did it for more superficial reasons. In fact, the official translation even claims she did it "because of being bored", the exact same reason Otome Dissection girl gives. Admittedly I'm pulling this more from the cover itself than the base Milgram content, and a very specific reading of the song too, which is not always recommended, but still.

This means the end of the song, with the lover growing more distant and possibly taking interest in someone else, is paralleled in the way Muu's friends abandoned her for Rei. While Otome Dissection girl goes too far and ends up dying without receiving help, Muu bullies the wrong person or something, Rei "turns the hourglass" and she's abandoned to suffer for her actions. Get it? I think it makes some sense.

(I will ignore the fact most of this interpretation comes from It's Not my Fault when this cover was released with After Pain, and there's nothing you can do about it)

The second way to read this is... way less charitable, to both Muu and Otome Dissection girl. Basically, you could argue Otome Dissection girl was only attempting suicide to get pity from her partner, and connect that to Muu's desire to be pitied.

[It's Not my Fault] It’s not my fault after all, after all. Everyone wants me to be innocent. What a relief. Can’t be helped. I’m always meant to be pitied!

In this interpretation, Muu "playing Otome Dissection" doesn't refer to a specific action she does, but rather to the way she used to present herself in Trial 1, when she was trying to get pity from Es/the others. However, that doesn't explain what the ending of the song would imply for Muu. Although you could argue Otome Dissection girl's death isn't really referenced in the lyrics, so it wouldn't apply to Muu, maybe?

Alternatively, you could speculate Muu was getting pity from her old 'friends', and that's what Otome Dissection was for her. That way the ending could still parallel Muu being abandoned for Rei. However, I don't think that works too well, since it's never really implied otherwise that the others hung out with Muu out of pity, and in this case "playing Otome Dissection" didn't directly lead to her "death", unlike the song.

Because of all of that, I personally consider the first interpretation I gave the most accurate. Where Muu "playing Otome Dissection" refers to bullying others to get attention from her 'friends' and to hide her pain, and ends up being abandoned for bullying someone in front of Rei. All interpretations are valid, though!

Well, that took longer than usual. Hope you enjoyed anyways! Take care!

#milgram #muu kusunoki #otome dissection cover

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fortunefated · 2 months

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umm this wasn't supposed to be a novel but i started thinking abt aven in relationships -

aventurine is generally pretty polite and he's charismatic enough that, if they don't already have some prejudice against him, he can get people to like him. but he doesn't feel the same way about other people that are easy to get along with, and tends not to trust them.

he really doesn't mind people who are blunt or even a little mean so long as they aren't intentionally poking at a soft spot of his. he'd rather you say it to his face because he can sniff out faux politeness pretty easily and his inferiority complex will prevent him from fully believing real politeness. you can gain his trust over time of course, but aventurine can be quite paranoid despite his lax attitude and history of luck. he works well with ratio because he's not easily offended and ratio sticks to his personal morals at the end of the day. aventurine at this point knows that he can rely on that and respects those particular values enough to basically ignore 95% of insults that ratio could hurl at him.

this is the biggest obstacle between him and a relatively normal, official relationship. it's easiest for him to simply fall into them, abruptly realize the connection they have, and leave it unrequited because he is too afraid to speak up about it. unspoken and unofficial relationships happen frequently. he'll flirt with you unabashedly, even go so far as to establish a friendship or sexual relationship, but if you want more you are going to have to speak up or call him on his bullshit. even after that, he's more private than may be expected from his rather flamboyant persona. he's more drawn to these less friendly or even antagonistic/toxic dynamics because they're more familiar and he knows they're supposed to hurt. he's not used to people being nice to him just to be nice to him.

and then there's the self-destructive behaviors that you'll have to battle with. aventurine is more than willing to place bets on his life, and while it depends on the situation, i can't say he wouldn't do the same thing with a relationship. he will absolutely protect the people he's close to with everything he has, but because he doesn't feel that he has much worth, if his partner disagrees with a decision of his so much that they'd break up with him, he wouldn't put up much of a fight because they're better off anyway right? as long as you're safe, even if you're incredibly upset with him, his feelings aren't particularly important.

and even in the best case scenario where he's learning and healing he is so so scared because yeah he's lucky. but somehow being lucky means that everyone around him is unlucky. and he knows from experience that misfortune can be deadly. it's much safer for everyone involved when he doesn't have anything to lose.

#he makes me ILL #in character › headcanon ╲ such a fine line between the things you are & the things that you’ve been.#anyway. ship with him he's so normal :)

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bowiebond · 2 years

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I'm like enamored by your Harringroveson post where Billy sees Eddie and Steve and the whole gang on the beach etc

And in true spirit of meowmoewfication and angst I raise you this (it's very long but it felt wrong to add it onto your post or make my own even tagging you, sorry):

Because of most of their jobs, the gang has more or less moved to Cali, and they are all more or less friendly and willing to hang out with Billy and take him into their polycule circle

So he starts to hang out with them, pinning over Eddie and Steve like a freaking teenager, according to his inner monologue, (not knowing that they are kind of trying to come up with a way to ask him if he would like to join them) until one day there's some kind of necessary for plot miscommunication happening. Billy ends up kind of snapping, getting back together with an ex of his (Steve and Eddie go like oh alright:C but Max is totally like <_< this dude looks like Neil...). Which, of course, doesn't go well, and ends in a huge fight in Billy's apartment when the guy wanted Billy to stay with him because his family was visiting his wife's family for the day or something, but Billy had already made plans with Steve and Eddie to go hang out, and he really wanted to go

When Billy didn't show up when they agreed and even an hour later, Eddie and Steve start to worry and try to call him, but can't reach him, so they end up going to check his apartment first

They come to see a door that is hanging open and the single room mostly trashed with Billy sitting on the floor with a bit of blood on his face, eyes all red but not crying

And initially Billy startles at their voices calling him but then he's like oh sorry yeah I don't think I can hang out tonight, I couldn't call because my phone kind of broke (it was in fact in pieces) you should go out without me, maybe next time

But Eddie and Steve stay, and help him clean up and even change the locks (very fast actually) because his ex had a key, and make sure he doesn't need to go to the hospital and get food and everything and then even stay the night mostly trying to convince Billy to press charges (they still fail)<3

💙 billyhargrovesupsidedownshadow

screaming, crying, throwing up I -

Hurt me more, please, um, and also: feel free to add to my posts, I love that shit <3 especially from mutuals <3

I imagine his ex keeps bothering him but the boys are always around now, either both or just one of them, checking on him, bringing him his favorite snacks because 'oh you know, I saw them, thought you might like it, and stuff *blushing like an idiot*', and hosting movie nights with everyone.

Neither are against throwing hands either, so more than once, Steve has taken a swing at Billy's ex for talking shit, but Billy doesn't like him fighting his battles or causing 'more trouble', so his ex always gets away scott free.

Thankfully, one day Eddie and Steve finally get the balls to ask Billy out as a couple and he is ecstatic, if a bit scared that it might all go downhill, like he's the one who turns all his partners nasty. He doesn't want Steve and Eddie to reach a breaking point with him, because he's needy and clingy and gets frustrated so easily. He doesn't want them to turn around one day and realize they made a mistake, that Billy deserves every strike he got from his line of shitty exes and more.

They never do, they adore Billy, and with time he realizes they're not going anywhere, not unless Billy asks them too. And Billy will never ask them that <3

(And yeah, he gets the final punch in with his ex, kicks him to the curb, and the guy finally gives up after that)

#harringroveson #billy hargrove #steve harrington #eddie munson #tw domestic abuse #tw abuse

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thisdogpaystaxes · 10 months

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i work really hard and i can't win. i'm doing really bad at work learning my new position that i busted my ass to get and i feel so dumb and i can't even try to talk about it bc i cry bc i'm so sensitive to it bc i really want this and i want a good work life balance but i can't have that if works not computing. i haven't been able to work properly in months and it's bc i haven't been taking my adderall.

i transfer for my new job on monday. I DONT HAVE A CAR! my fucking car is still broken and being worked on. i've poured my savings into this car, my savings that i'm trying to use for school. the one thing i care for most. school. my fucking little dumb seemingly unattainable dream of being a therapist :D how am i gonna get to work bro.

i start grad school in three weeks and i'm so scared. every time i try to get mroe familiarized i'm interrupted by some shit. it's so expensive and i fear nothing will click bc nothing is at work. i'm scared that if it does click, i'll still struggle because i'm working 40 hours and i don't know what i'm even doing. i feel like i'm pouring money into the one thing i want most and i'm gonna fuck it up!!!! this is all i want!!! i just want to be a therapist so fucking bad but there's road blocks!!!

i know i need to be patient and grind for what i want but i'm gonna fuck it up! BC GUESS WHAT THERES MORE

my cyclothymia is doing its thing and i'm really sad and depressed and unmotivated and i can't feel properly. i've been with this guy for a few months and he's awesome. he treats me perfectly, he takes care of me, he gets along with my family- and is also a lot older than i am. but that's not the problem. i just can't do a relationship and ** ***** high key like things just haven't been the same i just randomly stopped feeling the same way about him but he's so in love with me and i thought i felt the same but then i saw my friend and her partner and it made me realize i'm not :) i know what i'm like when i'm in love and immm jsut not. or maybe it's different but he's not the one i don't think and now i'm like oh

but is that me talking or my incapability of feeling that rn bc i'm depressed. i'm also convinced i just won't find romantic love in this life and i've been saying that bc of the love i have for my friend sis honestly enough.

i love my girl friends though like i literally can't get enough of them and they are why i'm alive. they're my favorite people ever!

i would like to add that my body is ruined. it is upsetting. bc even if i make it i will die young. my hips are so fucked i can barely walk. i keep getting infections. and candida overgrowth in multiple ways. and my brain is rotten. my hands keep cramping and having trouble moving bc my bones r fucked. which is giving me tendinitis. i have an eating disorder so i either binge or starve. bc i don't feel hungry just sick if it's even that. and i drink a lot!

but at least i'm trying right.

and like i'm so capable of dealing with other peoples problems like i have a lot of chaos but i really can and that's why i want to be a therapist bc like fuck let me help you!!!

but things just keep happening. and people in my life keep needing me at times when i just need to be alone and detox and try to be okay. my soul is being torn apart by the limbs. all of these things i just talked about are happening consistently one after another, where the physical deterioration is sprinkled between the life situations. and it sucks. things won't stop happening i just want peace so bad like a day of no physical pain or mental anguish bc im in a rough fucking spot and it's just exhausting

this is me trying. i'm trying i'm trying i'm trying like i'm doing my fucking best but i csnt stay awake bc of my brain and my body both being so injured. and i keep hurting the people around me, not all but yeah the men. always hurting men. not my kiggs though he's my angel baby. they don't deserve it, im just destroyed!

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nie-rants · 2 years

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Hi y'all it's me again (yeah we know) Anywho today's rant is really going to be kind of serious so stay with me here okay. So I was kind of reading this, book y'know (what's it's name) it's a book (there we go guys I can now confidently tell you it's a fic) maybe it is but essentially this fic was about an affair let me give it to you like this okay.

There's this guy(let's call him John) he hits on a guy(let's call him Jim) at a bar who's a little stiff at first but soon enough they're back at a hotel have a one night stand that's it. Jim left first before John even woke up no leaving any form of contact, no phone number, no nada. Later in the day John gets a a message from Jim on Instagram saying he'd like to keep in touch, John then thinks long and hard about,(for about a minute or so) and just decided to say yes. They keep talking like for a while then Jim just during one of their conversations just casually drops the fact that he spent the day with his in-laws like it's nothing. John was like what and eventually found out Jim was married to a lady. It shocked him, hurt him did alot of things but didn't mean the end of this relationship. Anywho that's where I think the affair officially begun.

Like that's basically the summary of the story and I know that since Jim and John are the protagonists of this story we're supposed to support them and want them to by together and bless their souls but HECK NO! like under no circumstances do I ever find or justify cheating acceptable. I know sometimes people are in relationships they don't really want to be in like they're compelled to be in but like no. I might sound like some self righteous highly pretentious prick or your some kind of Sunday school teacher who says "kill e'm with kindness" but I'm sorry I don't think I get it. Essentially cheating itself has a whole type if definition because let's face it life unlike movies isn't black and white and not everyone gets their picture perfect happy endings. Like I believe cheating on someone is a situation where you don't tell the other partner in this relationship that you're not wholly committed to them like being CRYSTAL CLEAR that you have something with someone else.

And then again I get it, y'know cause this life that we live in is messed up as fuck. Like I remember being like 8'ish and hearing all the negativity towards queer people, particularly gay people an lesbians, those were the ones I basically knew at the time, and thinking why can't a gay guy just marry a lesbian lady so they can understand each other and never have to face critism for being married or generally liking the same gender without actually giving up what they love. Like they can still secretly date and stuff.

Damn think about it, at such a young age I already was thinking about ways to hide things society didn't approve of no matter how much they didn't seem wrong to me.

Like I'm older now, but even as I grew through a those years I started realizing how much more my attraction for ladies, girls, women, people of the female gender was than for makes an did tell you it scared me I would make a comment like how pretty that lady was and like quickly glance around to make sure it wasn't too much or were people going to read into and realize I was even considering not liking guys men boys males whatever. And I like up to by I still haven't admitted to myself that I might like girls like I still tell myself that maybe I just haven't discovered what my type of guy is.

TO BE CONTINUED... (Cause the whole of this thing is too fucking long for how short we agreed these rants would always be) sorry😬 (so wait for part two please to upload please

your's truly nie's "annoying as fuck"🙄 editor) And me nie,😕 who actually wrote it, anyways byeeeeeee👋. (🙁Yeah what she said)

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daegall · 2 years

Text

[00:44]

pairing: bad boy!hyuck x burnt out!reader

genre: angst, hurt/comfort, tiny bit of fluff

warnings: a mental breakdown, smoking

a/n: yeah i might not be too good rn

netowrks/taglist: @neoturtles @knet-bakery @kflixnet @ficscafe + @soobin-chois <3

"I hate it here."

Haechan laughs at your comment, pulling his cigarette away from his lips. Along with his laughs, comes smoke, sliping thorugh his parted lips. He never liked smoking, he only did it when he was stressed.

And being with you, it strangely helps lift the stress from his body. He never knew why.

"Tell me about it," He chuckles out, bringing his cigarette back to his lips.

"I'm being serious, Lee Haechan."

To his utter surprise, your voice is shaky, duller than it usually is.

And when he turns his head to look at you, his heart sinks when he realizes you have tears welling in your eyes, your lips shaking and very much failing at trying not to frown.

Almost instantly, he flicks his wrist, his cigarette falling to the gravel below you.

It wasn't common for you to cry in these nights, it would always be him. Tired of life. This time, it's you who's looking so fucking done with your life, and you must be really sick of it. It's always be a stone cold face, a mask, nothing but an expressionless feature you'd keep up.

This is the first time you've cried, and you've been having midnight meet-ups like these for about a year now.

"Are you okay?"

You shoot a sour glare at your nightly companion at this, growing annoyed at the phrase you hear everyday. It's stupid, you think, how you could be at your worse state, and yet he still asks the obvious.

"No, Haechan. I am not, if you can see."

Haechan is taken aback. What happened to his calm, collected partner in crime? Well, nightly partner in crime. You don't know each other in broad daylight.

"Do... you want to talk about it?"

You find your eyes rolling instinctively at the question. You've spent how many nights comforting him and the son of a bitch still asks the basic questions.

Truth be told, Haechan is scared. He knows what to do when Jisung or Jaemin cry, but if the salty tears are coming from you, he's blank, because you're so strong, he knows this, and to have you cry, is like having his confidence-his happiness-stripped from himself.

"Yeah," you answer quietly, "I really want to talk about it."

Haechan reaches out to take your hand in his, pulling you towards him. "I'm here to listen."

The moment his hand is slipped in yours, it's gone from your warmth. You've pulled your hand back fiercely, wiping it over your eyes, before you stand up in front of him.

"No, no you're not! You're never there to listen, Lee Haechan!"

You choke on your words halfway, suppressing a sob that attempts to slip through your lips.

The sight of you choking up, trying to keep in your tears, not being able to stop any cries is practically breaking Haechan. His strength is weak, and he can't bare see someone he would consider his other half in such a vulnerable state in front of him.

"Are you there in the morning, when I wave to you? Are you there when I'm struggling with a stupid math equation? Are you there when I'm eating alone in the fucking bathroom because god forbid I sit alone in the cafeteria and embarrass myself while I hope and want you to come sit next to me and tell me your god awful dad jokes!"

Never has he ever been there for you. You're just a punching bag to him, to go to when he's down, when his parents get upset at him for simply having fun, when he gets ditched by his friends.

What different is he from them when he ditches you too?

Haechan realizes this now. And god, does he want to jump off a fucking bridge.

"I'm sick of it! I hate it! I hate you! I hate myself! And don't you fucking dare tell me I shouldn't hate myself because there is only one of me in this world. And it's so stupid when they are all the same! Saying I'm the only me, but they're the ones saying the same goddamn thing! They're being like others, being with others, while I'm just being me! I don't want to be me, Haechan, I don't want to be myself if it means there's only one. I don't want to be left alone again."

At this point, you don't even know what you're saying. There's this one big black void in you that's finally let go. What you've been keeping in for so long is finally free.

Haechan can't believe this is what's been going on under the mask, under the poker face he grew to think it's a normal expression. He's been nothing but a dick to you, and he can't believe he's just realizing now.

"I just want someone to be there, you know? Best, worst, I really don't care. As long as someone treats me as well as I treat them."

In a way, he gets you. He knows what you feel. He understands completely, and suddenly, he doesn't feel so alone anymore.

You swallow down a sob, wiping your arm across your face messily. God, you feel so stupid for showing such a weak side of yourself. "Sorry you had to go through that," You mumble weakly after a few minutes of doing nothing but crying your soul out, flicking off a few particles of sand from your shirt.

Haechan did nothing, but sit there, to your surprise, but you're a bit grateful for that. He listened for once. Though, a hug would be great, but at least he kept quiet and actually let you finish.

"I understand if you'd want to," You pause, glancing up at Haechan's face. "skiddadle, or something." you finish when you see he has a blank face.

"No." he breathes out after a few seconds. "No, I'm not leaving you alone again."

Oh. How funny. It took a whole breakdown for him to realize now.

Haechan stands up, and strangely, you see his arms raise as well. And to your utter shock, he wraps them tightly around you, bringing you into an embrace.

It feels very weird. Not because it's a fake hug like all your 'friends' or 'family' give you, but it's because it feels so... nice. You never thought Lee Haechan was good at hugging.

"I'm sorry." His arms bring you closer, and you hear a small sniffle come from him. "I'm sorry for only noticing now."

Haechan feels much better (or worse? The tears come faster) as he feels your arms circle around him loosely, hanging my his waist. And he can't help but sob when you push yourself further into him, your tears drenching his shoulder.

"I promise you, Y/n," He whispers in your ear, swaying side to side. "if I ever leave you, you can skiddadle or something, and I'll come running right back for you."

This time, you want him to run after you. You want him to be the one to go through your worst with you, your best even. You want him to be there and to finally see you as someone he can count on, and someone he can have count on him too.

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chit-a-to · 2 years

Text

❗❗ TW ❗❗ sexual assault

Her statement scared me... Like... Okay I got it, when I was still a kid I used to like (much) older guys, too, maybe like 10 yrs older or something. But then as I grew up I realized that even though it was a harmless crush, it's still dangerous and morally wrong to build a relationship between a minor and an adult. Still, it is understandable because as a kid we're still learning and cannot really differentiate yet as to what is morally wrong or not.

Now if this Lina person said that when they (sauceribs) were kids they thought Rin was going to ended up with Sesshomaru, shouldn't they be growing out of that mindset? Because they're adults now and they should've learned that romanticizing a minor and adult can be constituted as supporting grooming which is part of pedophilic behavior. Even if she they said that "it's just a drawing! it's not a big deal!", then again every time there's an animation that features POC or people from non-christian religions (e.g. buddhists muslims, &c.) as the main characters, we called them "representation". So, what makes it so different when it's a child or a teenager on screen? Won't it represents children/teenagers/young adults, too?

What I'm afraid of is not her mere statement, but what it might implies. If sauceribs' ways of thinking are like that, and they all now are adult, I'm afraid that they might let that mindset seeped into their every day's life. For example, they see a 20 yrs old something man hitting on a teenage girl and they'll be thinking "Oh yeah, that's totally fine. The girl definitely wants to be with him."

And that's on a very basic and very common example of what grooming looks like in our modern society. But there are also child predators who is unheard of with appearance like a good, law-abiding citizen. Who knows that one of them are a mangaka? 👀 ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I'm not saying that if you support sessrin then you'll become a pedophile. What I mean is that if you couldn't realize the disturbing nature of their relationship, it could potentially blind your judgement towards similar cases, real life or not.

Oh and one more thing. It seems that raisins and proshippers always deflect antis' statement with "So if you think that liking sessrin making me a lolicon/groomer supporter, then by that logic I wanna be a murderer too if I watch anime that has murder scenes huh?"

That's a good analogy and I've been thinking about it, too. But after some pondering, I don't think those are the same thing. Because, in the case of murder, we have been thought ever since we're little kids that it's bad to hurt other living creatures. So, even if we watch anime/movies with the MC being a killer, we'll realized - albeit unconsciously - that that's a wrong thing and we shouldn't do that. Only in some unfortunate (and extreme) cases where people are actually get inspired to murder other people or kill animals after watching anime/movies with that theme.... [1] [2].

Meanwhile, as for the case of grooming &/ other sexual abuse, we learned about all of that only recently, and just bit by bit too, thanks to the increased interest in law protection for women and especially for survivors who are brave enough to share their stories. Most of the time we can't sniffed it out immediately, particularly if we haven't known the couple for a long time or their background stories, because we've been told that "it's not our business" to know what's happening between a couple. That's why seeing a seemingly innocent couple in an anime/movie and being told "that man/woman sexually abuses his/her partner!" feels like a foreign thing to us, and of course for the die hard fans of the couple it feels like an insult hence the denial and deflection.

Again, if you wanna ask "wtf does the anime/movies couples hv to do with rl cases? 👿👿". Then I wanna ask you too, can you look at a teenager or a young adult who has been a real victim of sexual abuse and think "poor little thing..." but then proceed to watch an anime/movie that portrays a character with similar backstory? Will you be irked by the similarity or will you keep gushing over it?

In conclusion, justifying/normalizing sexual abuse in a mainstream media can leads you to justifying/normalizing sexual abuse in real life, too.

#i plead my case #antipedophile #anti lolicon #anti shotacon #anti sessrin #anti rinsess #anti yashahime

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antonhousehold · 3 years

Text

im in love with you, sorry; deku

prompt: there's this boy. he's an angel. he's always helping the people around him, just for the sake of seeing them happy. and when you met him, it's almost impossible not to fall for this boy. the only thing that is stopping you from confessing, is him. "you have constellation in your face"

genre: angst

reader: gn neutral

tw: angst, unrequited love, swearing, deku being totally oblivious, reader is really sad lol, regrets, humiliation (not by deku but the reader gets into awkward situations), injuries (not that bad, reader just faints) mentions of killing reader (just once and it was a joke)

note: hiii, this is my second angst lmao, please don't expect too much. english is not my first language so I'm pretty sure i'll be messing up with some grammar. sorry!!

if you could turn back time, would you have the courage to tell him the truth?

maybe everything would be different.

or maybe not.

you felt the sweat rolling down your face, the weather getting cold and the roughness of the floor. everything was blurry, and the only thing that you heard, was his voice.

"[name] can you hear me?!"

"open your eyes please!". you thought he was crying, and the last thing your blurry vision could see, was those beautiful green eyes, staring at you with so much fear. then, everything became white. the smell of medicine and the feeling of being stuck between your body and your mind, was suffocating. you're in the nursing. there's no noise around you, just a messy green hair that peeks over the couch.

"deku?"

he wakes up almost immediately as you say his name.

"dear lord! [name] are you okay?!" he approached your bed and his bright eyes let you know how concerned he was.

"what happened to me?"

"we were training in the gym, and it seems that denki was going really hard to you" his lips pressed between them and a sad face painted his beautiful features "and you fainted. we were so worry about you".

his voice. his words. everything was magical when it comes about him. you felt your heart ache when his calloused hands touch your face.

how he would react to your love towards him. would he accept it? would he reject you?

you'll never know.

"did I scared you?" you asked.

"i almost faint too. don't push yourself too much. we care about you"

'do you care about me just as much I care about you?' you asked to yourself.

"even kacchan tried to get into the room to check on you" his beautiful fingers were running in your hair, so delicately that you think you're about to fall asleep again. his shining eyes were staring at you. even his freckles looked like a constellation.

"your frackles are like a constellation. you have stars in your face"

and as you pronounced those words, his face painted in a vivid red.

"don't say something like that"

'does your heart beat as fast like mine?'

"please rest a little. I'll be checking on you"

"you don't need to. you have stuff to do, Izuku"

he moves his head in disapproval. "nothing is more important than your health and your life. stuff can wait"

you want to kick him. how is it possible to him to be so kind with you? he makes you feel like you're the most important thing in the world. he makes you feel special, loved. but behind his lovely words and actions, you know that he's being just kind. he's being friendly. he's just a good boy.

your boy with stars in his face.

"can i ask you something?" he nods at your question. your blood rushes all over your body so fast, that you feel your body getting cold. maybe it's the medicine. maybe the pain in your back as you try to reach his face.

"i think I caught..."

the door crashes with all of your classmates.

"[name]! thanks god you're okay!" mina run into your bed almost crashing your bones into a tight hug.

"you're gonna hurt them" kirishima giggles.

then, you see a blonde boy coming to you. kaminari checks on you and your bruises. his face turns pale and his eyes starts to lose the light.

"I'm so, so, so sorry for everything I've done to you. I didn't realize how rough i was fighting. I've never wanted to hurt you. please forgive me" he says, at the edge of crying.

you laugh at his guilty face. "it was a mistake" you smiled at him "and i forgive you. you didn't kill me after all. but I'll get revange"

he chuckles and nods.

"you asshole" scoffs bakugou at the back of the room.

after everyone checking on you, every single person leaves the room, except for Izuku. who takes a little bit longer to see if you fever was rising.

"i'll talk to them and i'll be back. don't move"

"as if I could" he giggles.

his presence fades between the door and the corridor. you rest your head in your pillow, thinking about your almost-confession.

'i think i caught feelings for you. i'm in love with you, sorry'

you were about to open your heart, just for him. you wonder about his answer. you wonder how his hands could cup your face while staring at you with so much love. you want that. you want him to love you. you want him to hug you tight before heading to the dormitories. you want to run your fingers over his fuzzy and messy hair.

you want him so bad that it hurts.

your face turn to your right, just to see mina's backpack in the floor. you think in the important homework that aizawa talked in the class, and you worry about your friend. you try to get up, even with your sore legs. you rush over the door, hearing their voices in the next corner. you were about to yell your friends name, when you hear your own.

"i feel so bad for [name]. i didn't want to hurt them. i swear"

"we know, kaminari. it was an accident. shit happens" says mina.

"talking about [name], how's your relationship with them going on, midoriya" you think this voices is from sero.

"relationship?" asks.

"yeah. you're a couple, right?"

Izuku keeps quiet. you would like to see his face.

"im not in a relationship with them. we are friends"

"i thought you were together. i mean, they're always staring at you like your are the most beautiful thing in the whole world" kirishima voice echoes in your head.

your blood is running even colder than before. even your legs shakes a little.

"we are just friends" he says putting a little bit more of enphasis in his words. "i think of [name] as a friend. maybe a sibling. they're important to me, but I don't think I could ever date them. it's not my thing and I'm not looking for a romance right now in my life. i want to do other things that are more important, than a romantic relationship"

you alredy knew. you knew he couldn't love you, but still, you hoped that maybe, and just maybe, he would feel the same way.

it hurts.

"oh, come on, midoriya. they're a good person. i think they would be a great partner"

"even if it's like that, im not interested. i love them, but in a different way"

you felt the knob choking your throat. the warm and salty tears running all over your cheeks. you want to be alone. so you return to the room, walking as fast as your pain let you. at this point, you don't even know which part of your body hurts the most. your legs. your back. your arms. your heart.

you can't even see clearly with the tears blurrying your vision. so this is his answer.

but you still feel stupid. because you knew. you alredy knew he couldn't love. he couldn't be the izuku that you want him to be. you wish you could change your heart. just for another one. another heart that doesn't love deku so deeply.

you feel again the comfortable pillow behind your head, hugging you or so you felt. you can't stop thinking about his words. you can't even be angry at him, cause he's not a bad person. you can't blame him just for not corresponding your feelings. you can't be that selfish. he's only working over his dreams.

and sadly, you're not one of his.

but his one of yours.

the door opens, his face tired and big eyes stared at you with worry.

"[name]! what's going on? do you feel any pain? i'll call the nurse. don't worry. just don't cry please"

and you can't help but cry more.

he's a truly angel. even when he broke your heart, he still worries about you.

"im in love with you. sorry"

OMG! i wrote that. i hope it was sad enough. i also think I messed up with a lot of grammar, but i think it's understandable lol.

thank you for reading!!

#mha angst #Izuku angst #my hero academia #deku angst #bnha angst #Bnha x reader #deku x reader #bnha fanfiction #my hero academia angst #denki angst #boku no hero x reader #mha deku

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angsty-nerd · 3 years

Text

Meta: Echo’s Big Fight in 3x09

Let's talk about the Big Echo fight. Because wandering around in the fandom this past week, I’ve seen a lot of very specific conclusions as far as what they were or weren't arguing about, and I’m not sure my take on that scene really aligns with other folks. So let me try to break it down a bit and give y’all an alternative perspective on it.

To start with, the scene opens with Max on edge because they're breaking and entering. Liz is singularly focused on the mission, and he's kinda freaking out. Instead of responding to his concerns, Liz gets straight to business.

"Ooh, ooh, this is interesting. Heath left Genoryx two days after I did. Must have realized he didn't need to be working underneath their corporate thumb."

Liz is kinda projecting here. Heath never once displayed any discomfort with Genoryx as a company the way that she did. He wanted her to stay. He wanted the resources there. We know these things as an audience, and Liz would too if she was thinking through the big picture at this point in time.

Max, on the other hand, doesn't know any of that. Here's what Max hears from Liz: he hears surprise. He hears Liz acknowledge that this is unexpected news. And right as he’s processing this unexpected reveal...Max sees Heath's Wild Pony t-shirt.

Weird coincidence #1 from Max's POV was Heath (the guy who is currently so pissed at Liz that he won't take her calls) supposedly rescuing Liz's science out of the good of his heart so that Genoryx doesn’t get their hands on it? This doesn't add up.

Weird coincidence #2 was Heath quitting Genoryx - a decision Heath made that Liz wasn't expecting.

The Wild Pony t-shirt is now the 3rd thing that doesn't add up. And if the t-shirt clue isn't adding up for you, see my post about it here:

The T-shirt is strike 3 for Max. He can't really pretend that he's not suspicious of Heath anymore. So he broaches the subject with her.

"How much do you know about this guy, Heath? How close were you?"

Max is feeling uncomfortable and looking for more information. He's trying to make the clue make sense. Why would Heath have the T-shirt? Does he have a connection to Roswell that Liz doesn't know about? And Liz doesn’t listen.

"This isn't the time to be jealous about a boy I met."

For all that Liz is clinical and on mission, she jumps very quickly to assuming that Max is NOT on mission. Yes, Max is inherently more emotional than she is. But throughout the episode he's been asking questions about Heath and NOT JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS. That's one of the keys to me here. Max really is trying to give her the benefit of the doubt about him.

At Liz's house, he asked about "the boyfriend" but he wasn't doing it in a jealous or judgy way. If anything it could almost be interpreted as concern. He started with "were you happy" and only when Liz kind of metaphorically admitted that any happiness was a façade...that's when he brought Heath into it. And yeah, Liz says that he impacted her life and helped her grow, but she didn't exactly express romantic feelings that would make Max jealous. So when she basically jumped straight to the jealousy assumption instead of actually discussing this with him, he starts getting worked up. Because she is not hearing him. She is not acknowledging that the facts they have found during this investigation are not adding up. So he is honest and blunt about what he's thinking.

"I'm just saying it's possible that he took your one-of-a-kind alien spores and quit, so that, just like you, he could use the research himself, free of Genoryx."

Max is the one who brings the science into this conversation. Not Liz. And he's not criticizing or questioning HER application of the science. He's questioning the trustworthiness of Heath. Because the lies are starting to jump out at him like a friggin’ neon light.

BUT — now that he's specifically brought up the science, he has her attention. Because Max questioning her science is HER sore spot. So what does she say back to him? Something kinda judgy.

"That grand trust speech certainly had a short shelf life."

Side note: I really don't think there actually was a "grand trust speech" in this episode. I can think of a few scenes where there might have been an opportunity for one. In particular during the milkshake scene when he admits to saving her tapes. But they actually don't talk about trust in that scene. They talk about having hard conversations. They talk about moving forward instead of looking backwards. But they don't talk about trust. My guess is that there might have been content cut for time at some point in this episode, that may have included some grand declaration from Max, but that's really just speculation on my part.

Regardless…Liz's response to Max bringing up the science is to basically accuse him of not trusting her. Which is not what he was saying. He was not questioning her use of the science. He was questioning her trust in Heath through the context of her science. So he elaborates on what he IS saying, and as he does, he's getting more and more worked up...because this does relate directly to his personal fears, and, frankly, his buried trauma that he's never properly addressed.

"I trust you. Okay? But I don't trust some guy I have barely met with a secret that could endanger me, could endanger my family and break the frickin' Internet if it came out."

Max doesn't know Heath, and he doesn't trust Heath with a secret that could endanger Michael and Isobel. His emotions are escalating, because now he's thinking about the science that scares him in the hands of a guy that all signs points to being potentially untrustworthy, and he's triggered.

BUT he doesn't back up his argument. He doesn't point out the very specific evidence he's identified that Heath is probably lying to Liz.

And Liz is inherently reactive and sometimes overly defensive (see 1x09 list of Liz's flaws). So even though he's focused on Heath, she immediately reacts defensively and takes it as a criticism of HER.

"You think I would let myself be conned?"

"No, I think you came out here looking for a partner, and it could blind you."

*deep breath* and this is where it starts to get personal. And rough. Max isn't entirely wrong here. But he also kind of is. Liz didn't choose Genoryx for partnership. She was looking for resources, freedom to do the science she wanted to do, and to save her father from deportation.

But partnership? Yeah, Liz wanted that. But she wanted that from MAX. She was looking for partnership in life, not in science.

And now that Max has thrown that direct criticism out there, Liz is going to throw a bomb right back at him.

"Just because you sabotaged me when I thought you were mine does not mean that Heath would take the same path."

Ouch. This is the hardest line in this whole scene for me to work with. Because it is combative. And purposefully hurtful.

BUT…she is NOT TALKING ABOUT HER SCIENCE. She has not said a single word about her science in this argument. She moved past that. She had the epiphany that she was wrong and she apologized (3x03). That is in the past for her.

This argument, for Liz, is about betrayal. This is about her believing that they were going to be partners and move their lives forward together (2x12), and right when she believed in that future, Max made another massive decision that directly impacted her life (just like he did in 1x13) instead of working with her to make big decisions together.

"And just because you changed the wallpaper doesn't mean you've mended your blind spots."

I really hate this "change the wallpaper" line. It feels like they're mixing metaphors. Liz called her life a commercial. Max is saying that she's changed her decor. Like...pick one and stick with it.

That aside… I think this barb is about her arrogance. Earlier in the scene, she seemed baffled at the idea that Max believes she could have been conned by Heath, because Liz is used to always being the smartest person in the room. She thought she was smarter than Diego and he figured her out. She believed her lab was secure, but Diego (possibly) got in. Sometimes, like most scientists, Liz is so bogged down in the complicated, brilliant details she’s thinking through, that she misses simple things that contribute to the big picture. And I think that's what Max is getting at here. In her arrogance, she believes that she can control the Heath situation. But she's not acknowledging the human factor here - that Heath is a person who may have his own unspoken ulterior motives driving him. Just like Diego did. She's just not seeing what Max is seeing.

BUT - again I'll say. Max is also not communicating the scope of the evidence he is collecting. They're both wrong here.

"I have learned my lessons, but you... oh, my God, you sound an awful lot like the guy who blew up my lab. So forgive me, but you're making it perfectly clear why I felt like I had to go and change the wallpaper."

This is the only line where Liz even comes close to talking about her science, but again, she's talking about his betrayal. She's talking about him undermining their partnership. She's talking about her need for a change of scenery from HIM.

And that’s when Max blows out the safe and they put the fight on hold to finish their investigation.

But, to sum it up…the fight was all about trust and betrayal. It was necessary for them to work through it, though frankly? I wish they could have finished the discussion. Because instead of them coming to some sort of peace with their trust in each other, the truth came out about Heath, Liz realized that she was wrong, she apologized, and they moved forward together, on mission.

I can’t help pointing out though…after the fight and Liz's epiphany about Heath, Max and Liz spent at least 15 hours in a car together. And I'm sorry, I refuse to believe that they didn't talk about anything important for 15 hours. Fic writers assemble? 😆

Many thanks to @ober-affen-geil for doing a quick review and checking me on opinions vs facts. Very important.

And for my next trick… road trips, life choices, and Robert Frost! Coming soon to a Tumblr near you…

#rnm echo #rnm season 3 #roswell new mexico #max&liz #my meta #max evans #liz ortecho #rnm meta

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