#I've got data on my phone again now at least so that's good. but the phone signal is still awful indoors so it's not that useful
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it's been a month since we moved into the new apartment -
I'm so stressed. everything is stressful. we're still not done building the kitchen but it's getting there (slowly). mostly we just need to wait until we get a couple parts that weren't in stock when we ordered the rest. I'm hoping it'll be done by next weekend.
some of it is very frustrating with my brain specifically. I'm so bothered by all the tiny little things that no one else would even notice - like, some of the handles on the drawers are very slightly crooked (as in, less than a millimeter higher on one side) - but for me it's so obvious that it's impossible to ignore. my husband didn't even know what I meant when I pointed it out to him. there's also been a few slightly bigger issues, but we've solved them now (I think).
my eye has been twitching for like three to four weeks. not all the time obviously, but every few minutes. it's very, very annoying.
we still have no new info about when we'll have internet finally. it could take a while still.
on Monday a guy has to replace something in the electric roller shutters in one room - but we don't know which one yet. so either I'll have to let him into my room (awful, uncomfortable, will have to tidy up tomorrow so he could even get to the window), or I'll have to get both our cats into their carrier if it's the one in my husband's room (awful, difficult, one of them doesn't like that so he'll be scared and I'll feel bad).
also on Monday the electrician will install our stove (if he has time). then we're getting two ikea deliveries. and I've got an appointment with my (new) GP because I need a prescription, and I'm very (verrry) nervous about it.
I miss watching TV. I miss tumblr and YouTube and messaging my friends whenever I want and sending them photos all the time. I miss order and structure and (some level of) routine. I miss using real cutlery (we still haven't found ours lol).
when I was finally starting to get used to the noises in this place, the family above us moved in with their baby that cries all the time very very loudly and most of the time right above my room. so now everything is different again and I'm not adjusting well and once again I can't sleep.
but, I've listened to 14 audiobooks since we moved! that's been nice. it was the same way when we moved the last time (just over a year ago..). my favourite by far was The Thursday Murder Club. I've got the other ones in the series but I'm trying not to listen to them too quickly, so I'm gonna listen to three other books first (one is done already, so I should get there on Monday or Tuesday hopefully).
#long rambly post sorry#I miss talking about the random uninteresting shit that happens in my life on here all the time#I've got data on my phone again now at least so that's good. but the phone signal is still awful indoors so it's not that useful#but anyway.... logically I know I'm doing an okay job with unpacking and everything but it doesn't feel like it#also I'm probably gonna have to try to find at least a part time job pretty soon and I'm really really really scared. terrified.#not just of trying to find something and interviews and all that#but that I won't be able to handle it. physically and mentally. again.#I've only had one full time job (an apprenticeship actually) and I lasted 3 months.#and at my part time job I only lasted a month#like. I can barely get anything done in a day as it is. I have so little energy. everything is so fucking hard and exhausting#I truly don't understand how everyone does it. I don't understand how it's possible.#but if I don't find something we won't have money for food next month sooooo it is sort of kind of important#it sucks so fucking much. I can't stand or walk for long periods of time. can't do too much with my hands. I'm not good at dealing with#people/customers. I panic and can't think when I get nervous (which is most of the time). I can't remember shit.#so like. what job am I supposed to do??? everything hurts all the time already and I'm always tired and I'm barely keeping it together#fuuuuck this#😭#personal
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My family is very rich, but my father's recently gotten into some legal trouble and our accounts are frozen until that's sorted out, which surely won't be too long. Until then I've had to move in with our landscaper and his son. Carlos is so infuriating! He's an uneducated and tatted up thug with horribly ghetto fashion sense who spends all his time lifting weights or getting into trouble on the streets. He's very hard to live with, but maybe I'll end up being a good influence and rub off on him while I'm stuck here?
It's not easy at the beginning. Carlos is such a lazy good-for-nothing. You tell him about the start-ups you've just founded or the ones you wanted to invest in. He doesn't seem to listen to you at all. He's playing with his cell phone, pumping his biceps with dumbbells. He usually doesn't say a word. To improve your influence on him, you accompany him to the gym. It's amazing. Even though he is usually sluggish, he is focused and disciplined here. Of course, the gym is nothing like the health club where you used to train. But there's nothing wrong with staying in shape. So you sign up. If you tidy up in the evening, mop the floor and clean the toilets, you can even train for free and get a few extra dollars. That's great, especially as it gives you more time to exert your good influence on Carlos.
Somehow Carlos is getting more and more careless. The more time you spend at the gym, the less he shows up. You and your bros at the gym think it's all very stuffy. He also wears less cool clothes. He asks if he can wear some of the shirts you've managed to save. No problem for you, you usually wear his old gym clothes anyway. It's not worth changing your clothes either. Either you're at the gym or you're hanging out with your gym buddies. One of them took you to the tattoo artist the other day. You look hot with that tattoo on your chest. But tattoos are really expensive! One of your bros organizes a job for you as a meat cutter at the slaughterhouse. That's great, then you can work there early in the morning, then have a nap, go to the gym, tidy up and clean and go straight back to the slaughterhouse. It's pretty exhausting. But you have your bros around you the whole time. Only Carlos, the philistine, you hardly ever see. Sometimes, when you do train together again, he asks you a few questions about the startup shit. Dude, you'd better deal with that when you're back in your penthouse. Shit, it's going to be a sick party with your bros and the other guys from the slaughterhouse. But you're happy to help Carlos. The little prick doesn't seem to get anything else together. His parents hardly ever get to see him either.
Carlos moves out of his parents' house. Apparently, the second round of financing has raised 200 million dollars. For some fucking fitness plan app. Shit, you used to have a similar idea. How could Carlos the little prick steal it from you? And how did he even know how to create a pitch deck and raise a financing round? And now it's only just come out that this is his second startup. He implemented the first idea and had a modest exit. But at least he was successful enough to buy your old penthouse at a foreclosure auction. His parents say that you shouldn't be sad. You would be like a son to them. And of course you can stay with them in Carlos' room.
Carlos is cool. On the cover of every business and digitization magazine. The rising star in the startup sky. Somewhere you read shit like "Ingenious combination of big data, big business and big muscles". Supposedly he also bought your family's house on Long Island. Fuck that. He gave you that cool necklace for your birthday. And a voucher for the tattoo artist. You got a tattoo of raw meat. To mark you as a stallion from the slaughterhouses. This is your home. And your destiny.
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So. Things are ... going.
My overall emotional state is kinda like when something falls from a high place and lands on something between it and the ground and stabilizes after wobbling: it's not great or even good, but it isn't shattered pieces on the ground.
I have never been particularly good at discerning my own state of mind or distinguishing between the causes and effects thereof. Allergies are still a thing but mostly in check, and while it's fun (after a fashion) to blame the cold and frankly ridiculous early darkness, that's been a thing for years and i don't recall always having an emotional collapse this time of year, so it might be something else. (I hope it's something else: can't really afford to move somewhere less affected by the earth's tilt, and i'd rather not have to deal with this level of depression annually.)
Currently on the new job hunt. Weirdly enough, there's the occasional high of seeing a job posting that sounds really good, but sadly it is often followed by the low of seeing how many other people have also applied for it. I have resorted to adding (*gag*) a cover letter with most applications in the hopes that will make an impact. Next step may be "reaching out to the employer", but i really hope it doesn't come to that.
Computer is up and running again, and my phone has been replaced -- with the latter, there's adjustments to be made in the change to a different model, but at least i can actually use it for phone calls and don't have to worry that restarting it will necessitate a factory reset.
So! Prayer requests:
First and foremost, a new job. I would really like a work-from-home data entry kind of position, but there's multiple factors at play, so just .... anything that would be a better fit than my current job.
That whatever is messing with my emotions would just ... not do that anymore? Tbh i can't tell if i've got some actual mental illness going on or just the garden-variety kind of thing that plagues "normal" people.
Continuing to make progress with helping my sister achieve what independence she can.
I'm going to start going back to the gym this week (haven't been in the last two weeks), but eating healthy remains a problem.
A couple appointments i should be making ... really don't want to.
My mom had a particular genetic (defect? malfunction? unsure of the correct term) that probably contributed to her getting cancer. It's hereditary, so i recently got blood drawn to be tested for the same. Please pray for results to be quick and that i didn't inherit it.
Oh, and there's some writing i really want to do, but it's been a while since i've really been able to find a writing groove, and it's only gotten harder to attempt now that i've quit using Google Docs.
That's all i got for now. Someday, maybe, i will start queuing posts again.
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16x10- detailed analysis (2)
Read the first part here.
Scene 5-
Luke runs again to the screen (and Penelope). I can swear that he was all time near, stuck on worry-mode.
Luke asks her What was that?
She replies What a hero. I think Dave figured out how to mess with Voit's system.
He asks Were you recording it? and she You bet I was. He says Let's patch in Tara and Emily and she nods. They said they would have trough this together and they are. They are just a perfect musical chord.
-
Scene 6-
They are talking with Tara. This is the farthest place Luke can stay to keep his eye on her.
It doesn't last long.
Okay, I... Here's the thing. I have done background searches on Elias Voit and Lee Duval all over the Pacific Northwest, and I've come up with a huge amount of zilch.
Luke suggests, with usual kind way Have you... Have you tried any surviving relatives on his mother or his father's side? And she doesn't snark. I'll give that a shot.
-
Scene 7
They catch Elias/Voit/Lee/Sicarius. The bad guy. But he doesn't want to say where is Rossi. Here we are. The same two couples. And also the positions... on a side, JJ and Will, on the other, Luke and Penelope.
Luke asks her What about his burner phone?
And she is not happy about herself. I-I ran that burner's O.S. through decryption software. It detected my intrusion and... Can you see the surprise/shock on Luke face? He always thinks at her as the best. But no disappointment, not a single sign of that.
It took everything I had to keep that encrypted data from not self-deleting. It... It's gonna take me weeks to retrieve it.
Then JJ has the idea to ask Sydney to talk with her husband. And it works! They save Dave.
-
Scene 8-
Back at the BAU. But what happened just a moment ago? Penelope closed TG file. And then she is here, in the place where she has to. In the right moment. But, considering that we have again the same four people, plus Rossi, I can bet that at least Luke goes with her to the hospital, maybe waiting outside (his room or in the parking). Anyway, Kubrick always wins. On the left, JJ and Will, on the right, Penelope and Luke. In the centre, the survived. And here, they act for real like a couple. Wait just a second.
Luke puts his arm on her shoulder. Nothing really weird, here. But.
THIS. THIS. Penelope arm is also around his waist and they seem more couple than married JJ/Will.ù
They both looking for each other eyes and smiling during all the "happy come back" moment. She even more than him!
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Scene 9-
Where are we? Penelope apartment. We can guess is after Bailey funeral. Then we have little scenes: Luke and Penelope; JJ and Will, Tara, Emily and Rossi. Let's focus on the first.
Too domestic thing. Nothing to add. No, I lied. It's just... he so.. at ease, in this place. And here, now, she seems comfortable, with him, in this moment.
He checks on her, as he always did. How you doing?
But, big difference! This time she doesn't say a white lie (I'm fine - 12x17) or is almost annoyed (G...good - 12x17), nor she avoids his effort (14x3 - no one has time for my sensitivities), and not also tries to escape and gives up with no signs of relief (15x4 - russian stalker) or changes the subject (16x1 - how long has Dave been like this?). No, she just replies with honestly, with a soft voice. And a sad smile.
Mm. I'm... mad, and I'm sad and I...
Oh. I fell into patterns that I promised myself I wouldn't fall back into, but I did.
The face of someone that finally got back the woman he has fallen in love with.
I guess, if people didn't, we might all be out of a job, right? He tries a joke and... wow! She likes it.
Yeah. Tell me this is not the same way he looks at her. I dare you.
But I... I did catch myself, and I did course-correct. ( Sighs ) What's that thing... Can we talk about her soft voice? It's like this is the real first time she is just... her, Penelope, with Luke. I mean, I know they talked about hard themes even before and it wasn't just snarking or joking (she too knew when she said it during their date). But it was like... little frames, while now she is on focus. Totally.
Oh. What's that thing that Emily Dickinson says?
"The heart wants what it wants,
or else it doesn't care."
A lot of thing to say.
First. THE FUCKING WAY HE LOOKS AT HER.
Second. She mentions Emily Dickinson and he immediately catches the exactly quote. I call it... connection. Deep connection.
Third. Do you realize that this was also the official closing quote? Because I just did it.
You know Emily Dickinson? The way she is looking at him here... just kills me. Really. I remember the first time I saw this moment I thought she changed her way to look and also consider him. This is a deep look. Intense. Her doesn't sound like a question. But more like... a statement. And a praise.
And Luke stammers, because maybe... maybe he feels that something is really changed, between them. For the better. I know that quote.
Penelope hits his glass with hers, like in a sort of cheer. Smiling at him. Luke just keeps smiling like an idiot, proud to be.
So, it was a coincidence that last frame we saw from their date was them cheering and the last in this season is exaclty they doing the same, but with a totally different mood? I can say that the kiss would have been the icing on the cake, but... she just closed her... whatever it was, with Tyler, so it's right that they wait. Not too much, though, because I can't wait so long😂
Right now I just want to smile (like Luke) and screaming with happiness. I want to live the moment. Knowing that tomorrow I'll have to find a way to seem less... crazy, at work, because my coworkers can't really understand.
Thank you for reading!
Analysis of garvez scenes
#garvez#criminal minds#cm#penelope garcia#luke alvez#penelope x luke#luke x penelope#garcia x alvez#alvez x garcia#penelope garcia x luke alvez#luke alvez x penelope garcia#criminal minds evolution#criminal minds reboot#16x10#dead end#editing#analysis
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So I woke up to the power out. No storm. No indication of a fried squirrel. I sent a very carefully worded text to my dad who lost his job last month asking if the utilities had gone through, and seemed like they had. With no computer to work on and nothing to shield my ears from the sounds of the cats self administering their morning baths with gusto, I decided to go for a walk.
Now. I'm of the belief that there's nothing wrong with leaving the door unlocked for ten minutes to walk around the block. My father, who believes every stranger is a potential threat, drilled it into me early on in our move here that the front door needs to be locked on every walk, no matter how short (unless it's to the mailbox). He has a doorbell camera, so he knows if I don't. Whatever. I lock the door. I don't have to bring my keys (which was the biggest reason I left the door unlocked) since he got a keypad for the garage door. I can come back in that way and have for about three years.
Well. Those require power.
I pulled the front door shut behind me this morning and immediately cringed. My heat intolerant ass was outside, legs already feeling weak, without a wallet, morning vitamins, water, or food, and no knowledge whether the QT a mile away would take tap to pay on my phone (which I had to set up as soon as I got to the park, and thank the gods my cashapp card has an app function that lets you see its information so I COULD set up tap to pay).
I've busted the door open at my mom's with a credit card a few times and figured I could probably do it our front door, if I only got a card. It was 8 in the morning though, and I wasn't sure who was up.
(On the way to the park I passed a lady getting into her car with a giant dog. On the way back, I saw her front door was open about a foot and two cats were outside. I stopped and called out into the house. No response. I knocked, called again. Nobody home. The cats went inside. I shut her door. I really hope those were her cats.)
My nosy neighbor was out and about to leave, and though it would cost me friendly grilling about my life, my dad's life, and any potential lives that might intersect with ours, I thought she might have a credit card she didn't care about. She at least had a dog, which I got to pet while she explained she doesn't carry any cards she doesn't use and she doesn't give her information to credit card companies because big data is coming for us all.
She's not entirely wrong, but the faded trump/pence bumper sticker on her truck had my visibly queer ass nodding a bit more enthusiastically than I might otherwise.
When I finally extricated myself from her (no, I'm still not interested in essential oils, I have allergies to them, thank you for thinking of me, uh-huh, you too!) I checked the mail. I've been home alone Monday through Friday for weeks since dad got a new job and took the car, and I'm not very good at keeping up with the mail, so I hoped to find one of those fake cards they send you in hopes you'll call and get a real one. No dice. I was proud of myself for that idea and everything.
By then, we were hitting the low seventies and the morning mist was dissipating. The sun wasn't fully out yet, but it was unmistakably warmer, and me in my pants with an antihistamine in me from yesterday (they cause greater heat intolerance). There was a man loading his truck a couple driveways down. Never met him before, but I'd seen him. I approached, gave him my name, and sheepishly relayed the morning to him. Thankfully everyone else's power was out too, so I didn't sound too much like I was asking for him to aid and abet a break-in.
He agreed to help but wanted to be the one to do it - as in, "I'll walk with you" and didn't want my paws on his card. He gave the front door a really good try, but privately I still feel like he gave up before he could get it. Still, I was grateful for him ruining a card trying to help me and we tried the shittier door that led to the inside of the garage. Deadbolted. Goddammit dad.
Fast forward to him showing me a trick on the sliding glass door with a screwdriver - we had built up something of a friendly bond through adversity by then, though I never did get his name - which didn't work but reminded me that even though I'm really careful to lock windows (no cracks for spiders to get in that way) I might have left the kitchen window unlocked from when I opened it for my cat. We both tried using the bricks of the house to hop up and see if the latch was shut before we would try prying off the screen.
The latch was shut, and as I dropped back defeated onto the cracked concrete slab that could and had been very generously described by realtors as a patio, hot and starting to sweat, I put my hands on my hips and squinted up into the yellow porch light. And in a very rare DC 10 perception check, I REALIZED what I was seeing.
I must've made a noise, because neighbor guy looked to me with a little confusion. I pointed. He looked, tipped his head, processed. His whole face cleared. He wasn't the sort to laugh easy - gruff, built like an electric foreman, which is to say like my stepfather - but he shook his head with a little smile and made sure I could get in the garage before pushing up the bill of his cap with a finger and wandering off back to his day with his screwdriver.
My day hasn't even started yet. The email my dad (2.5 hours away) forwarded me before my walk estimated it would be four hours before the power came back. I knew it wouldn't take that many, but I didn't dare hope it would only take two. I told my supervisor then that I would keep her updated and I've still got two hours before that time hits. I spent half of one writing this, and I'm going to take ten more to eat something, and then I'll hop online and get busy.
But man. What a morning.
#I should also uninstall tap to pay/turn off my nfc again#I have a headache#I wrote this from my bed where I am horizontal because stress made me need to be horizontal#I did confirm with nosy neighbor that the one lady did have two cats#And I figure if they were feral they wouldn't have run inside#One had a collar indent#There was an empty bucket of litter outside so it's probably fine but wow that was weird#Mundane adventures
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Does anyone have a good list of resources / communities around how to maintain what few shreds of privacy you still can in a world where it's no longer really possible to avoid "smart" everything?
I know the basics. I use Protonmail and Proton VPN, which is end to end encrypted and no-logs. I've disabled Cortana and Bixby and all that always-listening spyware from my computer and phone, and I keep Google location services switched off except on the rare occasion I need a map to somewhere I've never been before.
The problem is that I just got a new car, and I never really wanted a new car, I wanted an old car made with all new parts. But that's just not available, so now I have this monstrosity with 30,000 electronic components in it and half of them only exist to sell my data. I'm already a target for state-sponsored violence in at least three different ways, and I'd rather make it as difficult as possible for anyone to know where I am or what I'm doing.
How do I effectively hamstring this "smart" shit so it only exists when I absolutely need something from it? Literally the only thing I want when I plug my phone into my car is to play music which consists of locally hosted mp3 files, and very occasionally I might want directions somewhere. But it insists on this Android Auto thing or it won't even recognize there's a device plugged in, and that just wants to track every movement and send it all to Google.
Can you install a VPN on a car? Can you bypass all the proprietary apps and just do shit like it's a windows xp computer? How do I make all this stuff act like it's 2009 again, when things worked on physical cables and filesystems and it wasn't all junked up with walled gardens everywhere?
#help needed#computer help#data privacy#anti internet of things#I will be dragged into the future kicking and screaming or not at all
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Medical/Life Update
Sup duders so I haven't posted a ton of personal info here in awhile but the past 6 months have been wild. Starting in December 2021 I've had a fluctuating rash on my arms, legs, and trunk that at first I thought was an allergic reaction, hence my post about having the worst "hives" ever on Christmas. After an emergency room trip on New Years Eve and month of phone tag I finally got referred to a rheumatologist in February and diagnosed with Henoch-Schonlein Purpura (HSP) also known as IgA vasculitis. Which is an autoimmune disease more common in children but super rare in adults where the blood vessels in your skin and internal organs/joints become inflamed. Usually it goes away in a few months and leaves no lasting effects which is good.
Except now it's June and it hasn't gone away. In fact, at my last rheumatology appointment 2 weeks ago they said my inflammation markers in my blood have started going up again instead of down so we may need to move on to more intense treatment. For the past few months I've been taking a steroid (prednisone) and an immunosuppressant (mycophenolate) to hopefully counteract my dumb immune system, which has made my flare ups less intense than they were in Dec-Feb pre treatment. But even as they've increased the immunosuppressant my skin has not been totally clear in over six months and every time I so much as step outside my apartment, walk around too much, or wear tight clothing I have massive flare ups. The rash itself is not painful but with friction around my feet and thighs it starts to burn and itch which is no fun at all. And unfortunately having this disease for this long could be bad news for the rest of my organs, which thankfully so far have shown up fine in tests.
So basically at my last rheumatology appointment I was put on the max dose of the mycophenolate with the idea that if this doesn't work we will have to move on to different treatment. There are two options if this happens: a similar immunosuppressant called methotrexate that would basically work like the mycophenolate but maybe magically would do better, or a strong iv infusion called rituximab. Now I have been through my share of weird medical shit but the one thing that still terrifies me is an iv. One of the worst experiences of my life was being hospitalized for a week stuck to an iv in 2012 and the whole time it felt like my arm was being broken. I've always been afraid of needles and in fact my first blood draw at the rheumatologist in Feb I fainted and threw up so now I'm famous with the phlebotomists. So just hearing iv I started to panic a little.
Then the doctor went on to describe the procedure being similar to chemotherapy/biotherapy and included the fun fact of a small risk of deadly anaphylactic shock. I ended up having a full panic attack and sitting on the floor of the office next to an open window while my lovely boyfriend fanned me and got me to drink some water. The doctor kept apologizing for freaking me out but I was just apologizing back like "I have an anxiety disorder it's fine not your fault".
So yeah I go back in on July 12th to see how the max dose and potential last hurrah of my og immunosuppressant works out and meanwhile I am firmly camped in my apartment trying desperately to avoid any flare triggers. I have a spreadsheet now where I rate the rash on each area of my body cause ya girl loves data. My boyfriend Sam has been absolutely wonderful taking care of me throughout this, running urine samples back and forth to the hospital when they kept scheduling my appointments a month apart exactly in line with my period. I am so glad this happened after we moved in together rather than before so I don't have to do this alone or move back in with my parents. My family has tried to understand what's going on but I think only recently started seeing the severity. They've at least stopped trying to guilt me into coming over. Being immunocompromised during a pandemic wasn't enough for them I guess, but minimizing flares so I don't have to do hours of ivs worked. Now we wait.
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HAAAAAAAHHH SO IT HAS BEEN A WHILE
Curently in a place where I can finally access battery for my phone, and internet. I really wish I didn't have this take so long, as I apparently...have an audience now? Who actually likes what I have to say and provide? O_O wowzers I am so unready for this love. But it is...you have no idea how welcome it is, to just be noticed by people. It has been ACTUAL AGES OF MY LIFESPAN before I was evr given a proper chance at healthy attention, and positive relations like this. I am so...overwhelmed, but for once, that's in a good way. For once, I can feel glad and good about it.
Which is especially importantin my life, as I have...kind of lost everything I had once known and valued, loved, in my life. My home many years ago that has only gotten worse over time with the strangers owning and tearing it up in ways I vould never even describe, the last places I had which were at least places I tried to relax and enjoy myself in and attempt to start my own life on my own terms, which didn't really happen as I wanted, even any other place which had a bath, private toiletry and no rent pay which was always more my speed of living to begin with, family that revealed their true ugly nature over time. Everything I ever knew got upended and I feel very driven insane. And in this year I was sickeningly and mercilessly kicked out, WITH NO FINANCIAL SAFETY NET OR FRIENDS OUTSIDE OR ANYTHING ELSE TO FALL BACK ON, MIND. I WAS LITERALLY THROWN OUT TO DIE BY THE ONE WHO WAS CALLED "MY MOTHER". But the truth is, I have never in my life had a real mother, or entire family, no matter how hard or how long I've been searching. And there were so....no, too much that happened inbetween then and these few months, up to this month, where I am officially homeless. I have already spent days sleeping outside and it has been both freeing, but terrifying. I can't enjoy the freedom while I've been scared of problems arising from being hit by weather storms. I have had to teach myself and macgyver so many things just to ensure unexpected things don't happen outside, and I still don't know what I'm going to do when I finally need a shower. The only funds I have left anymore are what I have to pay a storage, my phone data plan, and buy food ONLY. Anything else for survival, I have to either rely on what I already own or buy the cheapest possible to conserve money. I was so afraid that I would never have internet or power again and I wouldn't be able to contact you all or ever have fun again, but thank god there's been free wifi spots and charging stations set up in certain places so I can camp out. As fir sleeping, I only have one chair to lug around and it has been SO IMPOSSIBLY TIRING SOMETIMES but at least I have something with a hood over me, and the additional protection of building roofs. I almost...feel both the weakest I've evr been, and physically stronger everyday, and I am so damaged and driven insane with rage and grief and I wantto die because it has been truly unbearable to GO THROUGH ALL OF THIS AND STILL NEVERBE HELPED...RESCUED BY ANYONE. I...just want to be adopted by a good family and brought to a real good home, to stay forever, and forget I ever went through this. Truly start my life all over and begin it like it deserved to be.
So to anyone who has bothered to read this...my god, thank you. I did say once that I wanted to only save this blog for fun happy good things, but so far, my real issues and situations have bled through in my speech anyway, so I think there's no going back now. Now that you know my story, I desperately ask that someone help me out. I live in Canada, around 80ave, in a red chair with a little canopy cover on it. That's all I can really say safely, without being doxxed for my identity. I don't want anyone but the right people to find me now...just to help me, rescue me from this homeless, familyless, friendless, joyless hell I have to face now, without any choice of my own. But for once, I want my choices to matter, AND be finalized, unchanged, unchallenged, unstolen away from me. I AM SO TIRED AND DEAD. I WANT TO DIE EVERYDAY BECAUSE NOONE AND NOTHING IS ALLOWING ME TO LIVE, THE WAY I ONCE EARNESTLY WANTED TO. GOD, HELP. ME.
#yeah I am actually under all this#I am actually crazy...so driven crazy with nothing good in my life anymore#except this#Tumblr...just this place so far#But its not the same as a real house to live in and be safe#I need to live with someone just for free I just can't deal with taxes or rent or anything...#I am not equipped it's like I am a domesticated animal that's been thrown out to become a stray#Or dead#Dear god someone help me#I'm driven insane over all these....every single piece of negativity I have had thrown in my face#And I cannot take any more...yet things keep coming and it nevr stops and I can't take this death life anymore#help
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Honey, please do some breathing exercises. I don't know how wet everything got, but unless it was a criminal amount of liquid, it can be fine. I've had some accidents like this happen twice (my phone slipped once and landed in the toilet. The other time I spilled something on my laptop) and everything was fine in the end. The key (and probably what you have most control over) is not letting it run or supplying electricity while it dries. Removing the battery was a good thing to do but for now just wait. Also remember it's harder for things to dry if they're in an enclosed space than if they were in open air, so it will take more time than what you think should be enough. Things are designed to not last lately so I can't tell you what will happen, but in the waiting game, you just have to find ways to calm yourself down. I've got that (anxiety-filled) tunnel vision a couple times and it's such a bad place, please don't let your mind run like crazy and take it one step at a time. Breathe, you got this.
thank you so much for caring enough to send this, thankfully i'm not left alone by myself and have someone who knows this stuff help me. i'm currently having my disk cloned, i'll see that i'll let my laptop rest after that. the fact that the laptop turned on is already a good thing, although nothing definite about what's to come after. if in the worst case scenario the laptop does die, i'll at least have my data saved somewhere. getting a new laptop after that isnt too big of a deal. things are just inconvenient right now, but not making my life harder than that or seriously putting me in any type of danger (such as financial etc.). thank you again, you take care as well 🫂
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Updates on this page!
Good evening everyone, hope you’re all alive and well. This post is meant to be an update to what I can and will put on the blog and since I love writing so much and always have so many things to say, I thought I should at least give you a proper update.
My daily driver phone
As you all know I use a Redmi Note 10 Pro and I really enjoy using android in general, but lately the phone has given me endless problems and I don't think I can keep up anymore. Why is that?
For starters, my phone was already giving out last year with the MIUI 13 update. When I updated it last year I already began facing problems that quite disturbed my daily routine both in my personal and professional life. For example, the keyboard stopped working and I had to reboot the phone everytime this problem occured. A real kick in the nuts, but I managed to pull through.
Then, I had to wipe the data off the phone completely because for some reason one day when I was off to work my phone stopped working altoghether. Furthermore, when I rebooted my phone it got stuck in a boot loop so I couldn't ever contact my colleagues at work nor tell them I arrived on site.
And finally, the same thing happened again but I managed to mitigate the disruption in a very, very ungodly manner and this happened just today. Luckily I could use my phone to call my mom and whoever was to be called today, but that was when I put my phone in safe mode.
Now that you know about all the phone's history, what does all of it lead to?
Decisions are to be made, and as of right now I'm looking forward into buying a new phone, more specifically the iPhone 11. I know, there are newer models but I just need a phone that works and that will work long-term, and I know damn well the iPhone is the perfect fit.
I also am considering other phones such as the Samsung Galaxy S22 which is in the same price range but I don't want another android phone because having lived with android phones for a lifetime I must say everyone is too quirky and all have their skeletons in the closet. For instance, Samsung tends to be really pushy with their ads, Xiaomi has beefy hardware paired with unoptimized software and so on.
But to be fair, Samsung is the only android phone I could ever trust again because from the Galaxy S10 onwards I have seen only improvements over improvements.
The criteria that is currently leading me to choose a phone is all listed below:
it is powerful enough to produce content on social media such as Instagram, tiktok, twitter and perhaps even facebook.
it has a good enough battery to last me a full day of work (i usually work shifts but you get what I mean, in case you didn't let me put it this way: it gets me through the day without a charger).
it has good enough cameras to take really good pictures and videos.
it has enough storage to store whatsapp, telegram, instagram and other chats.
it can call without having to pray for it to work.
I am not a man with a lot of demands but I sure need the basics covered. A compelling argument would be to be able to use 5G, but as it stands right now I don't even need 5G. I'm quite content on being able to access the internet without a computer. 5G is quite gimmicky and it doesn't work everywhere.
The next best thing I'm about to tell you is...
The next best thing I'm about to tell you is I'm actually giving it all I've got in the things that require all of my focus. I won't disclose what, since it is all personal to me, but just know that my conscience is telling me that I am indeed doing a good job.
One thing I can tell you is that I'm losing weight and my ex colleague showered me with compliments today because he saw that I shed some fat and now I'm slimmer. It's also thanks to my job that I am able to keep up with the weight loss.
What else can I tell you? This is already a long post, but this is a blog after all, so since you're reading this I might as well spill out every ounce of news I can.
Now, with all of this going on will I ever get the much coveted new computer?
To be quite honest with you, the computer became less of a priority for me right now because since my computer is still up and running and I'm not relying on it much as of right now, I can manage using this old laptop of mine. I have no qualms using an old computer as long as it is a working computer with Windows 10. This used to have Windows 11 but it proved to be too much for this 11 year old machine, so I downgraded.
The computer is to be bought when the funds and the circumstances are met. As of writing I don't really see a need for a computer, nor am I considering the idea of it because I'm always away from home and I do a lot of computer stuff on this old laptop that I personally repaired and saved from obsolescence. As for many other things I'm using a 9th gen iPad and it proves to be more than enough.
Conclusions
Dulcis in fundo, I have learned that I should nice things to not buy them twice.
Buy it nice, or buy it twice.
Honestly I don't remember from which Youtuber I got this quote from but he's absolutely right. My old Samsung Galaxy s10 is still going so strong after almost 6 years and is used by my mom for many, many things.
That quite concludes our little talk and I hope I can give more updates, either from a video perspective or maybe some other way. Cheers!
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storytime: instagram hackers
my brother's instagram account got hacked. it's the hackers who go in, reset the account, and then sell it. they messaged me, saying his phone was off and he wanted to reset his instagram so he was gonna send me the code, and then wanted me to screenshot it and send it to him through insta.
the funny thing is i noticed this was a hacker almost immediately because at first i was like "aw i haven't heard from my brother in like a year! i wonder what's up" and then i was like "he would never ask me to do this for him." so i call him to check and yup, his phone is on, and now he's yelling at me "DON'T RESPOND DON'T CLICK ANYTHING I GOT HACKED." and i was like "yeah that's why i'm fucking calling you." anyway im now asking all my friends on insta to mass report the account.
besides the hunch, i noticed a couple of things that made me realize it was hack-y right away:
ive had multiple friends' accounts get hacked and received messages from those accounts while hacked. they tend to send "???" without context. like i said "yes" to a question and their response was "???"
they wanted to reset the account, which is an odd thing to do. i could see some people doing this, but most people i know would just delete and make a new account. also, he is not the kind of person to do reset or delete his account.
they messaged me to reset it, despite no close conection between us. i already said i know we aren't close, but there is also nothing on his instagram suggesting we are close enough for him to ask for such a favor.
there were many grammatical and phrasing errors in the messages. my brother is consistently a proper speller, and he has a personal syntax when typing. pretty much everyone does. i know how he types, and this was very different.
on his story, which he rarely uses, someone had posted a video of a dodge charger. now, my brother is a car guy so that's not weird, but the text on the video was (again syntax style). also, the video looked like it was shot from behind bushes and was very grainy, but my brother has a good phone camera. so it was just odd altogether. it made it look like he had not posted the video. this story was still visible when i started receiving the messages.
and a side note on hacking instagram accounts:
this got me thinking about the patterns of hacking i've seen. if you haven't received info about hacking, phishing, and other privacy scams before, here's a quick list of recent ones i've seen.
some hack to spread info about crypto currency or loans or whatever as a cover so they can get your bank data and/or have you send them money. you'll suddenly see this account's stories, posts, messages, and/or comments on other posts only talking about this finance stuff. they'll usually @ someone, too. they'll tell you this person changed their life and they got money so fast thanks to them.
there's the reset ones, like my brother's. now, if they need a phone number to send the reset code to, they could just use their own. but i think they ask for other people's so they can try and log in to the insta account for that phone number next.
i've also seen some where they hack to spam messages with links. these are likely phishing scams, and i've mostly seen them on facebook. a lot of the links i received said "look, is this you on here?" NEVER CLICK THEM. these links may either download malware or collect any data you type in. boom, now you're hacked.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: CHANGE YOUR PASSWORDS AT LEAST ONCE A YEAR.
this is not meant to be comprehensive or in depth, just some things i noticed recently on insta hacking specifically. im also sick and very tired right now so i was kinda too lazy to go in depth.
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watch me burn - pierre gasly
illicit affairs, part seven
summary: “oh baby, I've been thinking about it, you know that I've been dreaming about it” watch me burn / michele morrone
a/n: hi:) still a few more parts to go but i went a few chapters without smut and this was needed so enjoy:) also if u listen to the title song while u read its a whole new experience lmfao
warnings: 18+, nsfw, smut, semi public sex
2 months ago, to the day
Your eyes met his piercing blue eyes in the garage once again. It had been a month since you slept with Pierre and you haven’t stopped thinking about it. The way he stared at you as he fucked you was the exact same way he was glaring at you across the paddock. Needy and desperate.
You shook yourself back into focus and listened as Max’s strategist reiterated today’s race strategy but you couldn’t help daydreaming about what that man could do in bed.
You drowned out the conversation about tyres and looked over to Alpha Tauri at the perfect time. Pierre had his bottom lip between his teeth while he examined his car. He ran his hand slowly over the chassis seductively like he knew you were watching. His fingers grazed the metal in painstakingly slow circles. After he removed his hand from the car was when he caught your eyes. He gave you a smirk, not even a smile, and turned away. It was good to know that you weren’t the only one thinking about what happened.
The race started and you were in the garage, cheering on Max. He had started second on the grid but due to a first lap incident, he was fifth. He was not going to be happy after the race. He can tolerate if he fucks up but having other people interfere with his race is something he takes particularly hard.
Pierre’s car came up behind Max’s around a corner and got too close for comfort. Max jerked his steering wheel too much as he tried to turn, sending Pierre’s car straight into the barriers.
You stood up out of your seat and gasped. Everyone in the garage was relieved to see Max still racing and no one seemed to be concerned about Pierre. You took off your Red Bull Racing branded headphones and slammed them on the table before rushing over to the Alpha Tauri garage.
Anna was seated in her chair, looking worried, but not enough for you. She should be close to tears like you were.
“Have you heard anything from him?” You asked and Anna looked up, almost annoyed.
“He’s conscious,” his race engineer said, “but hurting.” You heard the groan come through followed by a bunch of curse words. He apologized profusely for his move but it was all Max’s fault.
You watched on Alpha Tauri’s monitors as the race was red flagged and decided to head back to Red Bull’s garage. “Let me know when you hear something,” you said to Anna. She nodded and looked back down to her phone. Fucking bitch. Her attitude made you not even feel bad about sleeping with her husband. She didn’t deserve him.
Max walked back to the garage looking like a life size bobble head with his heavy helmet swinging around. “Is Pierre okay?” He asked, sounding genuinely concerned.
“He’s conscious. He took a nasty hit.”
“I know, I feel bad. I didn’t mean to, the steering wheel just got away from me. I saw him crash in my rear view mirror.”
You were visibly shaken and Max always knew the right things to say when you weren’t feeling okay.
“He’s gonna be okay,” Max said, rubbing your back.
You nodded in agreement. “I know he will. I’m going to check on him at the medical center once the race starts again.”
Max smiled at you. “That would be good. Make sure you tell him I’m sorry.”
An engineer put his hand on Max’s shoulder and shoved a spreadsheet full of data in his face. He shrugged his shoulders and walked with the engineer to the monitors.
It wasn’t long before the race got underway again. Max made it up to third, podium position, but there were still at least 30 laps left. You started the trek through the paddock and over to the medical center. You were just a bit too late as you saw Pierre walking out down the ramp. He smiled when he saw you approach him.
“How ya feeling champ?” You asked him.
“I’m a bit sore thanks to your husband.”
Your face fell. “He sends his apologies. I promise he was actually remorseful.”
“Max? Remorseful? What did you do to him?”
You laughed. Max did have a temper and tended to be extra competitive but he had formed a special bond with Pierre these last few years. They weren’t friends by any means but they helped each other out whenever possible. This was one of the times that it wasn’t possible.
“He does genuinely feel bad, Pierre.”
“I know he does, it was a racing incident. I saw the footage.” He limped slightly through the paddock and winced when he put pressure on his left leg. “I think I should go lay down for a bit.” He took another step and lost his balance. You grabbed his arm and held him, making sure he stayed steady.
“This is it right here,” he pointed to his motor home.
“Do you want me to help you up there? I don’t want you to fall.” You said with a soft smile on your face. How could he resist your offer of help?
“Sure,” he limped over to the door and you aided him up a few stairs. “Shouldn’t you be watching the rest of the race? Last I checked, Max was doing really well.”
He sat down on the luxe white leather couch in exhaustion and you sat at the table across from him. “He wanted to make sure you’re okay. He’ll be fine.” You looked around the motorhome, observing your surroundings to seem busy. “So Anna’s nice…” you said, followed by a laugh. You had known Anna for a few months now. Their wedding was right before the season started and you really hadn’t known her much before then either. She tended to keep to herself and you wanted to respect that.
“She can be a bit…”
“Yeah, I know. I went to check on you after the crash and she looked like she wanted me dead.”
“In her defense, she caught me checking out your ass this morning. She was not very happy with me after that.”
You leaned forward to give him a light smack. “Pierre!” You shook your head in disappointment. “What did she think of the way you were practically fingering your car this morning?”
He played fake shy. “Oh, you saw that?”
“You make my heart beat crazy fast.” You admitted, putting your hand to your chest. “That didn’t help.”
“Well, as long as you enjoyed yourself.”
Enjoy yourself you did. He was in his same fireproofs from earlier and you were sure he didn’t know how turned on they made you. They were pulled down to his waist, the sleeves hanging low off his hips. His white undershirt was tight to his body, putting his abs on full display. His legs were spread wide, inviting you in. Was it hot in there? Was the air conditioning on?
He ran his hands over his abdomen and leaned his head back, staring at the ceiling. He groaned, sounding like he was in pain, frustrated, and horny at the same time.
Why did he have to be so unbelievably irresistible to you? When you were around him it was almost impossible to contain yourself. There was a magnetic force dragging you to him constantly. You moved yourself to sit next to him, earning his attention and popping his head up.
“You look really hot right now,” you giggled to yourself. He made you feel like a teenager experiencing her first love. The nerves were through the roof.
“Well, I feel hot.” He looked around the walls of the motorhome. “Where the hell is the air conditioning and who turned it off?”
You let out a sigh of relief. “Oh thank god it’s not just me.” He looked over at you examined your face. He placed his hand on your red cheeks. “You’re flushed.”
When he touched you, a chill ran through your body. Your body felt on fire and he had the power to send a freezing cold chill through it all.
“My cheeks get really red when I get nervous.” You blushed even more having to admit that. It was your least favorite characteristic of yourself. Everyone always knew flat out when you were nervous.
“I can’t tell if it makes you look cute, like I want to hug you, or if I want to fuck you.” His hand still rested on your cheek as he looked back and forth between your eyes and lips. “You look so god damn innocent. Like I could totally ruin you with just a few minutes alone.” His thumb ran over your lower lip and you instinctively stuck your tongue out to meet his thumb. He took the opportunity to put his thumb in your mouth and you suctioned around it, keeping eye contact with him. “Y/n,” he breathlessly begged, “please.”
His lips crashed to yours, feeling warm and secure the moment they touched. His hands held your neck and you moaned into his mouth, forgetting what it felt like to be touched by him.
He hoisted you onto his lap, wincing a bit when you grazed his knee. His hands fit perfectly in the curves of your waist as he pulled you closer to him, grinding your hips. “Don’t do this to me,” he said into your neck.
“Why not?” You said cheekily.
“We don’t have much time.” You almost forgot that there was a race going on right now.
“I can be quick.” You hopped off of him and locked the motorhome door as he undressed out of his fireproofs. He looked so good in his white suit but he looked even better naked. You slipped off your underwear and hoisted your sundress up to your waist before going back to his lap.
He guided your body on top of his, settling you down as you took all of him in, deep. “Shit. A condom.” You said, after the bare feeling of him inside of you set in. God did it feel good but it wasn’t right.
“I don’t think I have any in here.” He said. “I promise I’ll pull out. I need you so bad.” He lightly bit your nipple through your sundress.
“I will kill you if you’re lying to me.” You started to move your hips and moaned at the sensation. He felt so good filling you up all the way.
He took your ass in his hands and started to bounce you up and down on his cock. “That’s it baby, just like that.” He said, admiring your movements. “Fuck me like a good girl.”
Your head fell forward, the feeling running through your body getting almost unbearable to handle.
“Jesus, Pierre, you feel so good.” You pulled your hair into a makeshift ponytail and arched your back, feeling like all eyes were on you in the best way possible.
He watched you in awe as you rode his cock without a care in the world. “Your pussy is so tight baby. So tight for me.” A breathy moan escaped his lips and his face looked like he was in pure bliss. There’s nowhere else he would rather be.
“Shit, shit, I’m gonna come.” He said, panicking. You rushed to get off of him as you saw the liquid pool on his abs.
“Did you…?”
“I don’t think I got any inside of you.”
You took a deep breath to collect your thoughts. God, you hoped not.
next part
#f1 imagine#f1 smut#f1 x reader#f1 blurb#smut prompts#f1 fanfic#max verstappen imagine#pierre gasly smut#max verstappen smut#pierre gasly imagine#pierre gasly fic#pierre gasly fanfic#pierre gasly fanficfion#max verstappen fanfiction#pg#mv
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F/O February Day 7: Fae AU
F/O: Overlord
Media: Transformers IDW
Lias was starting to worry. Normally they're excellent at navigating forests, even ones they've never been in before, but for the first time in their life, they got lost in the woods.
Even when trees all look the same they always notice some kind of mark or something different, and they've noticed that here too, but they seem to have circled around three times because they keep seeing the same exact mark on the same exact tree. They don't know how many hours have actually passed because while their phone is mostly working, the clock on it seems to have frozen up.
They don't have cell service or Internet data access either. It's a good thing they at least brought a few bottles of water in their backpack for this hike. They decide to sit down at the marked tree and rest a bit, sipping on some water.
They start to get the feeling that they're being watched. They figure some animal is probably roaming about, but it still makes the hairs on the back of their neck stand up. They put the cap back on the water and put it away, slinging the backpack on as they stand up and get ready to venture onward.
They head further into the forest, expecting to go in a circle again, but end up in an area they haven't seen yet. Although they can't really say they're thankful for it, as this part of the forest seems to be filled with dying trees with twisted branches. All of these trees almost look like they have a bunch of faces screaming in terror on them.
'Creepy…' They think to themself.
The sky also seems darker here, despite it still being day time.
They notice a small desire path between some of the trees and decide to follow it. A desire path means there might be other people somewhere out here, right? They could ask for help out of the forest. They walk the path for what seems like forever, going deeper into the twisted woods.
The feeling of being watched intensifies and they can't help but feel like they're being followed now. They try not to show any panic but slip their hand into their pocket to grab their knife. They flip the knife up and start to walk with it in their hand when they hear a chuckle echo through the woods behind them.
They break into a sprint but find themself going in circles once again. They know they passed that exact tree three times already. They stop and bend over, trying to catch their breath, when a shadow begins to loom over them. Their heart beats wildly in their chest as they feel a presence behind them.
The being behind them leans down pressing it's lips next to the human's ear, "Boo." He whispers.
They jump forward, and turn around, pointing their knife at the person. They look on in shock as they see a very tall man-goat-like creature covered in blue fur from the stomach down, he's very muscular and a light tan. He stands on a pair of hooves and has sharp claws at the end of his hands and has curled horns protruding from his head. He has short, curly, messy blue hair and crimson eyes. He chuckles and flashes a grin, exposing his sharp fangs, "Lost are we, little human?"
"What are you?" They whisper out.
He turns his plump lips upward in a smirk, "Oh? Have we fae really become so obscure in your world now? I would assume you humans still tell our tales."
'Shit!' Lias thinks with a worried look.
The fae gets a twisted grin, "Ah, so you do know of us."
"What do you want? I'm supposed to offer you something right?"
He laughs, "Oh, my dear," He begins to circle around the human with his hands behind his back, looking them up and down, "I want you."
"What?"
"I've been watching you since you first stepped foot into this forest. Not many people notice my marks, I found it intriguing that you did. You even seemed to notice the same twisted tree while I toyed with you." He says, stopping in front of them and lifting their chin up with one of his clawed fingers.
'Oh so this asshole is why I looped around.'
"I am Overlord. May I have your name, little human." He asks, crimson eyes boring into them.
"No, you can't have it. But you can call me Lias." They respond and he smirks.
"Clever little thing aren't you. Very well Lias," he holds out one clawed hand, "You have two options, take my hand and come with me, or stay here and never escape this forest."
Lias stares at his hand for a moment before hesitantly raising their own and placing it in his hand.
He grins again, showing his fangs, "Wise choice." He remarks, as he begins to lead them through the forest to his own home.
#fofebruary#fo February#f/o February#self ship#self shipping#my writing#elias.txt#Transformers#Overlord
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The Unknown Journey Continues
Part 1
I know it's been a while... but I've been going down a rabbit hole with @starlight-samurai regarding time loops, Jenova, Minerva, and more fun. So I figured I'd try to put it into one post to get the insanity out of my head. Everything in here is based on things we've found by either going through more obscure Ultimanias, learning more about Dirge of Cerberus and trying to decipher what the hell Jenova is by putting together various sources - including other Square Enix games - and how they handled freakishly similar scenarios.
Did you know there is a companion mobile game for it that was out on the good old flip phones? Did you know there was an online mode in Dirge of Cerberus only available in Japan, but had story elements that were not in the main game?
The sad part is, there's still so much to go through...
(I've also had various discussions with @ourfinalheaven, Manu, who doesn't have Tumblr, so here is her Twitter. and Somebody's Nightmare (here is her Twitter). So I wanted to tag them here, as it's much more fun to discuss these ideas as a group, since it'll only help you build on and strengthen your own ideas.)
Please be aware, there will be Spoilers for FFVII - Almost all Compilation titles, Xenogears, and NieR Automata throughout this.
So let's go on a journey where we explore what actually already exists in the compilation - including the idea of the whispers and timeloops - how Minerva may play into everything, and what exactly Jenova is capable of doing.
I asked Sesi if he'd ever played any of the NieR games, because he'd said something that made me wonder if they were going to take a similar approach. As a very, very quick high level summary: NieR Automata deals with a time loop type of idea. The androids will be rebooted and repeat the same things over and over again. This is broken when 2B is killed by A2 because she becomes infected with a virus. That being said, you have the option after Ending E to either erase all of your data and end the cycle OR you can try again. The Pods have a discussion, and one asks, "But won't they just do the same thing again?" and the other replies with "Maybe. But it could also be different this time."
Here's Sesi's message back to me when I asked him about this (cleaned up a bit since we were having a casual conversation over Discord):
Maybe I could just guess based comparatively on the Dirge storyline, because that was sort of SE's first flirtation with “robots and androids” since they’re all programmed and locked behind like task managers and shit that can shut them down. The story of the online mode for DoC that came out in Japan, we never got to see it, you’re basically an Android OC and you have to get to “the end of the level” and then essentially die, and a new one takes its place. This keeps happening until Weiss is essentially freed from being able to be task managed by the guys who are suppose to be able to control them and I know from tons of years with Square games that they’re verrrrry bad at differentiating their narratives they tend to just keep “ripping themselves off” so is it anything close to that?
Cuz if so I think I kinda know what you’re saying and yeah, I agree, I think with CC bringing in its poetic symbolism and LOVELESS, and DoC bringing back the cyclic nature of the lore, whispers, premonitions and future visions, proto-Materia and the perversion of this next cycle since the planet can no longer cleanse and protect itself and its will is weakening lesser and lesser to the point where it’s fate is “in a true sense of jeopardy This time essentially it’s all tied in together and sort of played as though it's a fated track; a cycle of events and something has hitched it, thus the whispers manifesting and Sephiroth's higher implied control over his destiny.
Of course, even all that is just their new red herring game, but it’s definitely a part of the lore they want to play with, in order to go back and reMAKE the OG with the comp inserted from inception. Also gut punch a lot.
Time Loops
I was somewhat surprised to find out that this concept is NOT new to FFVII's universe. It's discussed in Dirge of Cerberus... probably one of the least played and least understood of the compilation. (Trying to sell a third person shooter with terrible controls to a market of mostly people used to turn-based combat wasn't going to go well.)
On top of it, we didn't even get all of it, since online mode was never released outside of Japan, and the Dirge of Cerberus Lost Episode was on Amp'd Mobile and Verizon flip phones back in 2006. Were you around for the cell phones in 2006? I had the ones on the list, and how somebody could play a game on those blows my mind.
Square has a tendency to reuse themes from their other titles. Probably one of the most blatant is the similarities between Xenogears and Final Fantasy VII. They were both being developed at the same time and a lot of ideas that didn't make it into FFVII ended up in Xenogears.
NieR
So how does this work? In NieR (both Replicant and Automata), you play the same path multiple times. Each time, it's slightly different depending on what side quests you did your first and second playthrough, but there's also other subtle differences throughout the story. In Automata, you get to play as 2B your first playthrough and 9S for your second. They follow the same path, but you get it from his perspective the second time and it reveals a bit more of what is going on. However, even with some slight differences, the main plot points stay the same and the ending result it also the same.
Then on your third playthrough, you wake up in the Bunker, and you're getting ready to go on a new mission. This time, though, 2B is killed and shit hits the fan. Things get crazy, you play as a new character: A2. In the end, pretty much everyone "dies", but you can choose to "reboot" and try again. You also can say you are done and let them all rest and delete your save data (the game gives you the option for both Automata and Replicant, and with Replicant, it actually leads to a new ending).
The striking thing for me is... There are certain events that will always happen, no matter what.
Fixed Points in Time
It's been years since I've watched Doctor Who, but there was something that stuck with me, and that was the fixed points in time. You can read about all of them here, but here's the basics:
Now, of course Doctor Who goes into this with much more detail and it's a recurring theme. However, as you read through that page, you'll probably find many aspects that have been used in various JRPGs that you've played. And Doctor Who most likely pulled some of the idea from classic Science Fiction novels. Each story puts its own spin on it.
How does this relate to FFVII Remake? Well, when they say that the major plot points will stay the same, it reminds me of this. No matter what, Cloud must fall into the Sector 5 Church, the Sector 7 Plate must be dropped, Aerith and Zack both must die, and Meteor has to be summoned, to name a few. So, with a time loop, those things would still have to take place in order to prevent a complete collapse of reality (at least in how Doctor Who uses it).
Therefore, the Whispers are ensuring that the Will of the Planet is followed.
One of the major themes in FFVII is that of loss. People die and they do not come back. Yes, other FF games do allow this to happen (FFX, FFXIII, FFXV), but VII is not those games. It was written with that idea in mind, that once a person dies, they, just like in real life, are dead and cannot be brought back.
I've previously written that I think they'll make us believe we are able to change fate, but we will eventually be slammed with the reality that we can't. That is because the planet has determined that certain events are fixed points.
Xenogears
Xenogears takes a bit of a different approach to the loop idea. Instead of repeating the same time period over and over, it has the characters reincarnated, and the same outcome happens each time: Elly dies. However, each time it's different. After all, they're in various time periods, in some cases thousands of years apart.
In all of the lives of Fei (who will have a different name in each time period) and Elly (who is always Elly/Elhaym), Elly will end up dying trying to protect Fei and the others. In one life, she is a religious figure at a totally not Catholic church, in another she's the wife of a scientist who was working to create children from nanomachines due to mass infertility issues. But she is ALWAYS with Fei, even if his name changes.
In her Mother Elhaym time, this is when Lacan (Fei) finally snaps. Though he's not fully aware of his past lives, he becomes aware, the anger consumes him, and he becomes Grahf. Fei is then reborn into the time period you play the game in.
There's a lot to unpack with this, so I won't go into it. Grahf wants to destroy God (Deus) because he thinks if he does, then it'll stop the suffering (his suffering).
If you do want to read more about Grahf, you can do so here, but it probably won't make much sense unless you've played Xenogears up to that point... Since it's much later in the game that this is all explained.
Lacan's desire was to stop the cycle of Elly always sacrificing herself for his sake. Though Grahf is not a perfect existence - he's not fully "The Contact", he sacrifices himself in order to let Fei move forward, and hopefully stop the cycle, by destroying the Deus system. (Elly also tries to sacrifice herself here, but Fei goes after her and stops her.)
Now, some people may think I'm saying that Cloud or somebody is going to do this in order to save Aerith or Zack (or his village or mom), but in FFVII if they do the loop method, I don't think Cloud, Tifa, Barret, and the others are aware of it. Most likely, it's only 'Sephiroth' and Aerith who are aware of it.
How this Could Be used for Final Fantasy VII
I'm stressing could because there's so many different possibilities on how they use this (if they are using this), so please, don't take this as fact. This is based on speculation based on what we know.
A time loop is a great way to explain away the differences in the story that we've seen: Biggs being alive, Wedge living for longer than he should have, etc. Since these are not major plot changes, they can simply say that this time it'll be slightly different... but your fixed points (major plot points) will remain the same.
It's a way to pull in some of the more obscure themes from Dirge of Cerberus and also play with the LOVELESS lore.
It could all simply be a big red herring and it's really just a remake of OG, but with the compilation tied together nicely... since it works much better when it's combined and not in 50 different games, books, movies, etc.
I don't think it's a "sequel" per say, not in the way I generally perceive a sequel. It's more of a loop of the same thing. The question is, when is the loop started and what will cause it to end? When will the planet (if it even is the planet) determine that it's good enough to begin moving forward?
JENOVA, Sephiroth, Genesis, and Minerva - Oh My!
Let's be real... Genesis isn't exactly the most popular character in the FFVII Compilation... but what if they make him one of the most important to the story? //Ducks as various fruits and vegetable are thrown in my direction//
I think what Genesis is probably most known for is his love of LOVELESS. He has the entire thing memorized and randomly says lines from it throughout Crisis Core. LOVELESS lore is still something I'm trying to grasp, so I am not going to comment much on it. Once I understand it more, I'll update this.
...And then this happens. The secret ending for Dirge of Cerberus, where Genesis picks up Weiss. Weiss, who has now been introduced along with Nero in FFVII INTERmission and is an optional ridiculously hard boss in the Shinra battle simulator in chapter 17 of the main story. There is some lore associated with the battle sim - so if you don't plan on beating it or you just can't, you can look up the pre-battle and post-battle cut scenes on YouTube. They're very short, but interesting. (I beat this asshole last night - it's a hell of a fight.)
....To Be Continued because apparently Tumblr won't allow more than 10 images per post now.... Next will be more on JENOVA and Sephiroth along with Minerva.
#ffvii#ffvii genesis#ff7 genesis#ff7 intergrade#ff7 intermission spoilers#FFVII intermission spoilers#FFVII Intermission#Final Fantasy VII#Dirge of Cerberus#FFVII Weiss#Xenogears#nier automata#final fantasy vii#ff7r#final fantasy 7#timey wimey
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Haunted by the Past Part 78
Hi friends and family! I know it’s been a crazy couple of months, but things are on the up and up. I did have to get a new number so if you get a message from a stranger claiming to be me, it is actually me! I promise I’ll explain everything when I can. Much love!
And, yay! I’m not a wanted fugitive anymore! *slow applause*
For the first time since I started living with Jake he let me post to my social media with a selfie even! Granted he turned off all of the location data and wiped the meta information from the photo, but it was a start! Comments started flooding in, but I stayed stalwart in not answering specific questions. I'd tell my story when I was ready.
“I've finished copying your contacts over,” Jake sat down on the couch next to me and handed me my phone back.
We had stopped off and picked up a new SIM card for me before we left Colville. Jake had spent the better part of the last hour copying information from one SIM to the other, complaining about the sheer number of contacts as he went. I can’t help it if I have a large extended family!
I sighed, “I feel like messaging everyone is like opening a can of worms.”
“You don’t need to start conversations with everyone. Only respond to those you deem worthy of responding to,” Jake suggested.
“Hmm... any word from Rick yet?” I questioned.
“No, he says he’s still working on it. Not surprisingly the bounty has gone up,” Jake slouched.
“Because the Senator has been dethroned,” I nodded.
“It’s not necessarily the Senator behind it, but definitely one of his allies,” he explained.
“So what do I tell my parents when they demand I visit them?” I asked curiously.
Jake smiled, “Soon?”
“That is so like you,” I shook my head.
“Until that bounty is gone, we can’t risk it,” he reminded me. “But I don’t think you want to be telling them that.”
“Oh yeah, my wanted fugitive boyfriend is no longer wanted, but has a black-market bounty on his head now,” I laughed. “My dad will definitely try to take advantage of that payday.”
MC: Hi Mom and Dad. How’s it hanging? I had to get a new number, but at least I’m no longer wanted! – Your overachieving daughter
Within seconds my phone started ringing.
Jake patted my leg and stood up to leave the room, “Good luck.”
“What? No moral support?” I frowned. I took a deep breath and answered the call, “Hi Mom! So sorry I couldn’t make it for Aaron’s birthday dinner!”
--
Well over an hour later and two ears talked off (I had to swap sides after a while) I finally managed to get off the call with my parents. I dragged my emotionally abused self into Jake’s office and leant over to rest my head on his shoulder.
“That was absolutely the most painful conversation ever!” I groaned.
“You want some good news?” he grinned.
“Yes!” I pleaded.
“I've got my bank account back!” he turned and beamed at me. “I'll need to visit the bank to arrange for a new card, but I can access it again through the internet banking!”
I looked up and saw Jake’s bank account summary, “H-how much were you being paid in your old job?”
“Enough,” he smirked and logged out. “No holding back anymore. We can finally get a TV! And another machine and more monitors...”
“And I can buy a new wardrobe,” I teased.
“Let’s stick with the essentials for now,” Jake teased.
I poked him in the gut. “Ah, I should contact your sisters and the others! Well you should check in with your sisters, but I'll make sure they have my new number.”
I sat down in the chair next to Jake and saw Cleo was online.
MC: Hi, it’s MC. I had to get a new number.
Cleo: MC! Hang on, let me reinvite you to the group chat.
MC has been added to the group chat.
MC: Hi everyone! Just letting you know that I've got a new number.
Dan is online.
Dan: Holy crap! What the hell did you two get yourselves into?
Lilly is online.
Thomas is online.
MC: It’s a bit of a long story, but the short explanation is... we’re no longer wanted!
Cleo: OMG that’s great!
Lilly: No more running and hiding?
MC: Well... almost. Jake’s got some enemies still that we need to shake.
Thomas: And what about MWAF?
Cleo: Oh come on, Thomas! Not being wanted fugitives is kind of a big deal.
Thomas: But it won’t help Hannah
Dan: Look, I want MWAF dealt with just as much as you! But getting the fuzz off their backs is just as important!
MC: Thomas, I understand, I really do. We just couldn’t operate well enough constantly having to deal with multiple fronts.
Thomas: While you've been off playing vigilantes, he has continued to harass Hannah!
MC: What are you talking about?
Thomas switched to the private chat between us.
Thomas: He keeps sending her photos of when he had her tied up and unconscious!
MC: So block the number? Block the email!
Thomas: Of course I have done that! He’s left photos inside her car and in the mailbox!
“Jake...” I covered my mouth.
He looked over at me concerned, “What’s wrong?”
“Hannah...” I couldn’t bring myself to tell him.
“Oh, the photos,” he sighed.
“You knew?” I frowned.
“They already blocked the number and blacklisted the email address by the time I saw,” he explained.
“He’s been leaving her photos in her car and mailbox as well!” I emphasized.
“Oh,” was all Jake said in response.
“Is that all? ‘Oh'?” I said annoyed.
“What do you want me to say?” he asked puzzled. “We are not responsible for what he does. You want to take him out now?”
“I’m certainly feeling inspired to!” I argued.
“Well we could go to the library and get the maps,” Jake sighed. “I thought we could use a day off.”
“Everyday we're not challenging him he’s harassing your sister!” I responded exasperated.
“You want to divert his attention back onto us?” he raised an eyebrow at me.
“Hannah deserves a reprieve!” I stressed.
“She won’t get a reprieve until he’s gone,” Jake painfully pointed out the harsh truth.
“Then we go to the library!” I pushed. “We get the maps! We take his sick ass down!” Jake smirked at me. “What?”
“You’re very attractive when you're giving orders,” he admitted.
“Keep it in your pants!” I frowned. Before he distracted us both.
“Yes ma'am!” he straightened up.
MC: Thomas, I promise you, our efforts are 100% focused on him now!
--
Entering the Duskwood library was a surreal experience. I wondered if Jessy was with us. She must've been. I know she wanted to take me there.
I glanced behind me at the mess of a man who was maskless in public for the first time in years. I let him keep the hood for now, but I warned him he'd have to ditch it by summer. He kept eyeing all the cameras and turning his face away from them.
I walked up to the front desk and asked the lovely older woman where we might find detailed maps of Duskwood forest. We are after all post-grads working on a project. She directed me to the reference section to the survey records. Flicking through, I found the most recent one conducted a few years prior, then proceeded to make high quality copies.
“Anything else?” I asked Jake as the copier printed.
“Animals. It’d be good to know what lives in the forest,” he commented.
“Are you afraid of bears?” I teased.
“Uh, they’re very territorial and can rip you apart in seconds. That’s not fear, that’s a survival instinct,” he corrected.
I handed Jake the copies and put the maps away before heading to a computer to check to see if they had anything on the animals of Duskwood. They actually did have a book and thankfully it was in and on the shelf. Of course, being a new resident to Duskwood, Maeve still hadn’t set up her library account. Filling out the form took a few minutes, but I was granted a new account and borrowed my first book. Jessy would be so proud.
--
After dinner, I sat on the couch skimming the book on Duskwood wildlife while Jake looked over the forest map at the table.
“Foxes. You think you can handle foxes?” I questioned.
“Have you heard what they actually say?” Jake raised an eyebrow.
“Well I know what they don’t say,” I laughed.
Jake typed away on his phone and brought up a clip of what sounded like a screaming woman, “That’s a fox.”
“No way!” I said in disbelief.
“You can look it up yourself,” he shrugged and went back to the map.
I did look it up myself on Youtube and heard the same terrible sound, “That’s awful!” I put my phone down and joined Jake at the table. “Well bears don’t hang around these parts and wolves aren’t native to this area so the worst predator are the foxes.”
“They’re tolerable if we stay away from their dens,” Jake commented. “Ok, if we follow down this way east from the dare house, the slope isn’t too bad and the trees shouldn't be too dense, but dense enough for cover. It’s too late now, but we can go have a look in the morning.”
“Oh, wow, that’s certainly a change,” I smiled.
“Hmm?” Jake looked at me confused.
“You preferring day to night,” I pointed out.
“Aside from being able to see your surroundings better in the day, you realize he's greatly restricted in his activities during the day? We are not as restricted... although we shouldn’t be seen too publicly,” he explained.
“We do need to decide how we’re going to draw him out and what we do with him,” I sighed.
My phone rang suddenly. I hadn’t given my number out to many people yet so I was confused as to who could be calling me. I went over to pick up my phone from the couch and saw it was Lilly.
“Hi Lilly! What’s up?” I asked while looking at Jake.
“Welcome back,” the unmistakable voice raspy spoke on the other side, then hung up.
Jake looked at me concerned, “What’s wrong?”
I lowered my hand slowly, “We don’t have the freedom of planning. He has her."
#duskwood#duskwood jake#duskwood jake x mc#duskwood jake x player#duskwood fanfiction#Haunted by the Past
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sorry this isn't a fic related question.. i was wondering how the first year of college was for you? im not graduating highschool until next year but i've been worried about choosing courses and how to make new acquaintances haha
omg don't apologize anon you don't have to stick to fic related questions on my blog !! also my first year of college was actually rlly fun 😳 (at least a semester and a half were fun bc we got sent home when covid hit LOL)
but i was also worried about making friends initially ! it's scary when you move to a completely new place, but during the first two weeks, everyone is SUPER social bc everyone's in the same place as you: new school and has to make new friends. i had three roommates my first year and we were pretty close, but i was worried because i didn't click with the first group i met :'') but again, everyone's super social the first few weeks so you're gonna meet a lot of ppl. i kept my dorm door open and ppl would just drop by and start talking. i ended up making this whole group of friends that did like everything together and we hung out individually sometimes too <3 you can also make friends in your classes !! i meet a few people during group discussions and share my phone number in case we wanna do a study group sometime, and there are ppl who make groupchats and add a good amount of ppl in the class. you can also join clubs and organizations to meet more ppl (i actually think this is the best way to meet people) bc i've met rlly good friends doing so ♡
as for choosing courses, i was super set on biology all throughout high school. i had some giant revelation during college apps and realized i wanted to do psychology, so i went for it !! i dont regret it one bit, but also remember it's okay to not know what you want to do at first. a TON of people switch their major, and ofc it's harder to switch to something like engineering/computer science if you're under liberal arts or smthn, but it's still manageable!! also your major doesn't necessarily correlate with what you end up doing for your career !! like my dad's friend was an english major but now he's a senior architect, and i'm a psychology major but i was a data analyst intern LOL there are also colleges that make you take general ed courses for a few years before declaring your major, and then there are colleges that let you go in undeclared, so that's also a possibility!!
#💌 : jayflrt love notes#anon#my laptop is overheating in my lap at 7% as i write this#but i hope this helped anon !!
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